I don't wanna be christmas forever
Earlier this week Nor and I were discussing the word aficionado, and how liberally it can be used.
I’m in the camp that you can use it to mean someone who is very familiar with something, even if they aren’t an “expert.” So I’d call myself a reality tv aficionado, even though I haven’t studied the history of it, have never worked in it, and have honestly ignored the Bravoverse.
She thinks it runs deeper than that — you have to have some credentials, you can’t just really like the thing.
Rough Cut
Movie reviews, TV binges, etc.
You know how on Spotify, after a new album drops, you’ll get a pop-up that’s like “you were among the first 0.1% of listeners to Midnights.” (Which I was, and if you missed my album review, it’s here).
I want Netflix to give me a pop-up congratulating me for being in the first one percent of viewers for Lindsay Lohan’s return to cinema, Falling for Christmas.
The logline: In a classic Overboard plot line, hotel heiress Sierra Belmont (Lindsay Lohan), hits her head after falling down a ski mountain, waking up with total amnesia and no idea who she is. Luckily, nice but impoverished widow Jake (Chord Overstreet from GLEE!) gives her a room at his family’s cozy ski resort.
What else?
Sierra has fuck-you-money, which is so hot. She wakes up every morning and eats caviar for breakfast while her team glams her.
I would have been perfectly happy to just watch Lindsay Lohan be ridiculously wealthy for 90 minutes. I think that’s why I find The Kardashians to be such a comfort show, money just calms me. I don’t really need to see the rest of the movie where she cosplays as poor — just accept your dad’s Vice President of Atmosphere job offer like Connor Roy would have wanted!
Key plot point: Despite owning a luxury ski resort, Sierra doesn’t know how to ski, which breaks the code of rich people. This leads her to fall down a treacherous Black Diamond slope right after her gay boyfriend proposes with the ugliest ring Aspen has ever seen — I would have fainted, too!
Much like a Days Of Our Lives character, Sierra wakes up with amnesia, with no idea who she is. Jake, the owner of a charming but less boujie ski resort takes her in, and Sierra basically ruins his cabin by trying to help with chores. She full-on Amelia Bedelias the place, but Jake falls in love with her anyway, partly because she is base-level nice to his daughter but mostly because she is hot as fuck.
Lindsay does her best with the material — we get a lot of physical comedy, and she even recorded a performance of Jingle Bell Rock for the credits. Is this comeback giving Jennifer Lawrence in Causeway? No, but A) that movie sounds like a mega downer and I’m not watching it and B) this is a massive step up from Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club where we saw her last.
The Lohanissance is well underway, and hopefully we’ll see her hosting SNL again soon per her wishes.
Watch If You Like: The Hallmark Channel, The Lifetime Channel
Closing Thoughts: This is the type of movie where if you were seeing it in theaters, you could literally leave to pee at any time because you know every plot point nine beats before it happens.
★★☆☆☆
Villain Edit
Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.
Conservative blonde D-Listers are up to no good! This week we had not one but two Hollywood has-beens stirring up trouble.
Exhibit A: Melissa Joan Hart vs. Lena Dunham
Uh-oh. Sabrina the Teenage Bitch has ridden her broom into the throes of Deux Moi.
When normal celebrities see blind items about themselves on a social media profile that’s about as credible as your 11-year-old niece’s Wattpad account, they share a bemused chuckle with their entourage while they wait for their appetizers to come out at Nobu. For Melissa Joan Hart, she was so excited that her name was in the “news” that she all but held a full-fledged press conference.
I can absolutely picture Lena Dunham and MJH fighting about the morality of child drag queens (RuPaul’s Drag Race Junior, anyone?!) at some dumbass rich person dinner in Malibu. Lena would totally be like, “my nephew Angus can tuck like a mother fucker!” and then Melissa would accuse Lena of turning kids gay.
Anyway, Melissa denies any of this ever happened, writing:
We have no beef, and as far as I remember we haven't even had the pleasure of meeting let alone having enough of a relationship to warrant any time to discuss drag queens.
Lena has yet to dignify any of this with a response, and the jury is out on whether she is game to “share a latte one day” as Melissa suggested.
As for the beef, I find it hard to believe that Melissa hasn’t been talking mad shit about Lena over the years and now it’s making the rounds — she’s just too niche of an actress to choose out of thin air for a fake blind item.
Exhibit B: Candace Cameron Bure vs. The Gays
How Candace Cameron Bure, washed-up Full House actress, got a feature interview with The Wall Street Journal is unclear to me. Maybe her publicist was in a Final Club with the journalist, I don’t know.
According to the article, Candace recently abandoned her post as Hallmark’s Christmas Queen to take on faith-based Christmas projects at the Christian network Great American Family.
When asked if GAF would produce any films that featured LGBTQ+ narratives, like the Hallmark channel has started to do, Candace replied, "I think that Great American Family will keep traditional marriage at the core.” Yikes.
Who was first on the scene to call BS? Of course none other than Gen Z gay icon JoJo Siwa, who publicly feuded with Candace earlier this year.
She gave her response prime real estate with a grid post on Instagram. . .this isn’t Stories territory, this is a full send!
Candace responded to the backlash with the following PR:
“All of you who know me, know beyond question that I have great love and affection for all people. It absolutely breaks my heart that anyone would ever think I intentionally would want to offend and hurt anyone.”
Uhm. . .this coming from the same woman who said that “we do have the right to still choose who we associate with” on national television in defense of the bakery refusing to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple?!
What's that? A hat. Crazy, funky, junky hat! Thank you to Alyssa for bravely modeling the Uncultured hat in the office bathroom. To look as hot and quirky as her, get ur own hat at the Etsy store.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
Pete Davidson is truly the Cousin Greg of Hollywood. He broke up with my queen, then hopped into bed with none other than EmRata?! Obviously I think Emily is a step down from Kim, but on Pete’s personal Date Ladder, she may be higher because she is more likely to bear his children and continue the BDE legacy.
Taylor Lautner got married to a woman named Taylor Dome, so they are now the Taylor Lautners.
In a letter to the judge in the Elizabeth Holmes trial, Holme’s husband chose an anecdote about how their infamous dog Balto was “carried away by Mountain Lions,” and that Holmes, in true girlboss fashion, “searched for 16 hours in brambles, and poison oak to find him. It was only once she saw his lifeless body that she could come to realize that he was gone.” She really said “Do or do not, there is no try.”
Shut up! Anne Hathaway turned forty and we got confirmation of a Princess Diaries 3 movie.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: Fleishman is in Trouble (FX)
Listening: Ruined with Alison Leiby and Halle Keifer — I wish this had been my idea lol!
Reading: “Margot Robbie is Nobody’s Barbie” (Vanity Fair)
Sound On!
Hit me with your best thot.
Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:
Have you ever had a meet-cute?
Give me the logline for your own Hallmark holiday movie.
Would you marry someone with the same name as you?
it is deeply unsettling to me that Taylor Lautner's wife did not keep her maiden name.... I truly cannot fathom