Everybody's affected by predatory lending
Thanks to everyone who voted in the Ficus name poll last week — Armand was the runaway winner. Except I think he got heat stroke from the unrelenting NYC sun, so he’s currently on a 24-hour Blue Gatorade IV.
I had a week FILLED with content — I finished the most recent seasons of the Amazing Race and Alone, binged all four episodes of Black Bird on Apple TV+ (very high brow of me), started Rap Shit on HBO, dipped a toe back into F Boy Island, and went to see Nope in theaters.
You could say I should go outside more, but everything I want to do is inside! Sue me!
Kardash Korner
You don’t think I feel bad, I feel sad!
Shockingly, I still found time in my weekend to carve out two hours for Kris Jenner’s MasterClass on Personal Branding.
I’ve probably taken five or six MasterClasses, and no matter how much they pay these A-Listers to teach them, they are almost always really bad. They assume the viewer is the lowest common denominator with no prior knowledge of the topic (if you’re taking Aaron Sorkin’s screenwriting class, you’ve never seen a movie before) which means you walk away with really generic takeaways like “find an interesting hook” or “believe in your worth.”
But if you know me you know I love the KarJenners, especially Kris, and as an avid consumer of SKIMS (yes, I snagged the Swim drop this morning) and a reformed follower of Kylie Cosmetics, there was no way I could just ignore new content from the famed Momager herself.
I knew going into this journey that my expectations should be low. In episode 8 of The Kardashians on Hulu, we saw BTS footage of Kris preparing for the class with a bubble bath and a gin martini — knowing Kris is nervous, Khloe half-heartedly reminds her that “life is life,” which Kris thinks is a brilliant mantra that needs to trademarked and hot glue gunned onto merch immediately.
It was foreshadowing at its finest, because in a way, that’s all she really says.
Some key takeaways include:
Make a vision board for your brand. She talks at length about how to physically make a vision board, in so much detail that I had to switch to 1.5x speed, and all I could think about was that one episode of Pretty Wild where Alexis Neiers and her sisters make vision boards as part of their “home schooling.” [The clip from this show isn’t even on YouTube anymore, so you can watch its recreation in The Bling Ring instead].
Become an influencer and use hashtags. I kid you not, these are her keys to a successful brand on social media. Your free White Paper from HubSpot will tell you to use hashtags. She also talks a lot about how it’s important to film selfie-style videos where your audience can see your face and hear your voice while you share “something interesting” about your product. This literally only works if you’re famous. I do not want to see anyone else face or hear anyone else’s voice, especially if they’re trying to sell me a monogrammed kombucha koozie from their boyfriend’s garage.
My constructive feedback: I think what annoyed me the most was that Kris kept talking about how the reason that KUWTK was so successful was because they rarely edited out the uglier aspects of their lives — they kept in the immature fights (don’t be fucking rude!), the messy divorces, the disagreements about parenting, etc., which made viewers feel closer and more connected to the family.
This course is ironically the complete opposite. She speaks solely in vague platitudes, never offering that peek behind the curtain (constructed or otherwise) that has historically been The Family’s “secret sauce” for staying relevant all these years.
We should have seen:
An actual case study from inside of one of their brands. What was the thought process when Kylie collabed with The Grinch or when Good American decided to distribute with Zara?
A communications strategy for how they handled a business mistake. I want to see inside the room when Kim changed Kimono to SKIMS.
An example of how your personal narrative impacts your brand narrative. Kris talked a lot about how when watching the show, viewers could easily find a family member to identify with. So how did Khloe leverage being the “fat, funny sister” to build a size-inclusive denim collection?
The most vulnerable tidbit Kris ventured was when she talked about how embarrassing it was that they partnered with Silly Bandz in 2009. But pretty iconic in retrospect.
MasterClass was such a missed opportunity for Kris to prove that her family actually is savvy, despite the uphill battle they’ve had to climb to shrug the narrative that they’re just reality TV airheads. This was a win for the haters. As a Kardashistan, all I can say is, Tiffany, we were all rooting for you.
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
I tried F Boy Island season 1 last summer and fell out of it, but Season 2 has really found its stride.
The logline: Three smoking hot birds date a pool of SoundCloud rappers who came to the island with a hidden identity of either an “F Boy” or a “Nice Guy,” with a $100K cash prize on the line. The last F Boy(s) standing who successfully capture the hearts of the women can take the money and run, while Nice Guys will split it 50/50 with their partner.
Let’s meet the ladies: Louise, Tamaris, and Mia are single, ready to mingle, and incredibly adept at looking both skinny and glam while sitting on awkwardly tall stools.
Unlike this season of The Bachelorette, where having two leading ladies has been more of a Russian psychological torture experiment than a lighthearted romance romp, this trio plays off of each other really well. It’s fun when we get scenes of them in the kitchen with their serial kill string board doing detective work on the guys and girl talking about their crushes — it sort of evokes the same feeling as listening to a podcast when you’re eating lunch alone so you feel like you’re part of a conversation.
The journey: The series offers standard dating show fare with a whodunnit twist — cocktail party antics, dramatic revelations, lots of boobs and abs, cool girl ATV dates. . .if I was a lead on one of these shows, I would stipulate that my dates had to be boring AF in my contract. No dancing, no skydiving, no horses or tractors. It’d be the equivalent of that episode of The Kardashians where Kylie just wants to be a normal girl for once, so she goes to the grocery store and the car wash.
I’ve always found the 1x1 dates to be the dullest part of dating shows, but in episode 6, the screen cuts to black with text informing the viewer that Tamaris’ date was too boring to air, so they’re skipping ahead. More shows should read my mind!
I think what further sets the show apart from its predecessors is its self-awareness. It fully embraces reality TV tropes by building its premise around being “there for the wrong reasons,” and lots of playful editing keeps you reeled in just when you were about to reach for your phone to watch people slap each other with Tortillas on TikTok.
Closing thoughts: This is a fun summer series, good to throw on with roommates or want to watch something casual while you pregame. I’m giving it four stars, but it will get five if one of the women ends up being an F Girl in a surprise twist and takes all the money from her guy. They hate to see a Girlboss winning, but I love it.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
JoJo Siwatch alert: Participating in a viral trend where TikTokers quickly flash photos of the meanest/hottest/nicest celebs they’ve ever met, JoJo Siwa deemed Candace Cameron Bure of Full House fame the rudest she’d encountered — crazy coming from someone who recently revealed she has a bald spot due to the stress of Abby Lee’s Dance Moms. Fans speculated this was due to Candace’s right-wing tendencies clashing with JoJo’s gay icon status, however JoJo clarified later that it was based on a red carpet snub when she was an 11-year-old CC superfan.
Sydney Sweeney got candid with THR about how despite her dual Emmy noms, she hasn’t made enough money to take a break from filming projects, or to afford a gate for her new LA home. Some light internet research reports her Euphoria salary to be around $400K a year, which means SVPs at Panera Bread Corporate are probably making more than her.
But Keke Palmer, who told Wired this week that she pitted Disney and Nickelodeon against each other for the fattest check as a child actor, remains flush. She’s starring in a new series in partnership with Meta to teach people about the “boundless possibilities” of VR. They think Keke’s infectious charm can make us forget that they’re the real life equivalent of the evil Buy N Large company from the Wall-E movie.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Drinking: The Ninepin Sangria Cider from Trader Joe’s.
Reading: Tacky by Rax King. This is a collection of essays about low brow culture (how on brand!!!) that my friend Collin generously gave me for my birthday, but he is too busy following in my footsteps running PR for Big Razor to ever read this newsletter.
Watching: You know that I am tuning into Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin on HBO Max tonight. Take me back to wearing business casual to math class by day and solving hometown murders by night.
