The rats are absolutely going to hate this announcement

The Starbucks holiday menu arrived this morning. For the sake of my craft and my craft only, I tried the new bakery item, the Chocolate Pistachio Swirl.

It didn’t taste bad by any means, but calling it a bakery item is a stretch. Like, you sprinkled some freeze-dried pistachios on one of those canned Pillsbury doughs and marked it up by four dollars.

Anyway, I’m two Pedialytes and one Cold Brew in, ready to “take on” what’s left of the day.

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Rough Cut

Movie reviews, TV binges, etc.

I’ve never believed in ghosts — I don’t judge people who do, I’ve just never personally encountered something that could be interpreted as paranormal. But when it comes to ghost content, I’m generally very in. The cinematic masterpiece that is Paranormal Activity changed my life as an 11-year-old, and its allure stayed with me ever since.

So when Netflix released a new ghost-hunting reality show, 28 Days Haunted, I was obviously on board. I consume a lot of reality tv both out of genuine interest and for the purposes of this newsletter, and I had high hopes that this spectral twist would breathe new life (or death, haha) into the genre — TBH, I don’t know how many more iterations of 22-year-old flight attendants finding love in a European villa I can sit through. Unless it was like, a Below Deck style show specifically about flight attendants only, called “Last Boarding Call For Love” or something to that effect. I should send that to Hulu.

Anyway, I schlepped my way through three whole episodes of 28 Days Haunted, which was two and seven-eighths too many.

The logline: Three teams of paranormal investigators, mediums, and demonologists spend 28 straight days in mega-haunted locations across the US, with the goal of piercing the veil between the dead and the living.

What else?

When the first episode begins, we’re promptly met with a trigger warning for extreme isolation and trauma in a hostile paranormal environment. As trigger warnings go, this one felt promising. Paranormal trauma isn’t something we have the privilege of witnessing every day.

At the jump, the three teams are blindfolded (for LITERALLY no reason) and stuck in vans. They get dropped off at their new homes, which include some creepy-ass inns and an old dry goods store.

The contestants allegedly know nothing about their assigned locations or the ghastly events that happened there — but I’m calling bullshit. The fact that in a first attempt at communicating with ghosts, they’re already walking away with the names of victims and the cause of death is - as the kids say - v sus.

And it only escalates from there. These people take themselves so seriously, and they’re constantly popping off about the “energy” that they’re feeling: “I feel the energy of a woman named Sharon who hurled herself down the stairs after her husband impregnated their maid.” You feel the energy of that? Or did you sneak a peek at this Denver inn’s Wikipedia page?

There’s very little skepticism among these ranks, which erodes any semblance of credibility, and ultimately makes for a boring watch. When you think everything is scary, nothing is scary!

Monday morning quarterbacking:

If I didn’t make PowerPoints all day for a living, one of my great and important skills, I would be a reality TV producer. These tweaks should be considered for season two:

• Cast regular people instead of mediums and psychics. The current contestants are all whack-jobs and I frankly don’t believe a word they say. If we were dealing with normies, watching the experience unfold would feel scarier because we’d be getting more genuine reactions, versus “experts” who enter the experience with the pre-determination that they’re going to encounter violent spirits. As it stands, the stakes start off too high so there’s nothing to build to. It’s like Nicki says — you’ve gotta prep them for shit like that.

• Gamify it with challenges. Currently we’re getting a sort of documentary take, but I’d like to see more of a Fear Factor angle. Like, sit blindfolded alone in the basement for 25 minutes, hold a midnight seance, that type of jazz! This way we would see more of people pushing themselves to their psychological limits and there would be more structure, versus the poorly packaged disorganized chaos we’re offered instead.

Closing Thoughts: 28 days! That’s promising. That has the potential to be like Survivor, ghost edition. But this isn’t even worth a hate watch. Time poorly spent by me.

★☆☆☆☆

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

The celebs did not hold back on Halloween this year — they said, we’re thin, we’re blonde, and our coke is from Cuba. They were giving us multiple costume changes, so there was a lot to keep up with, but let’s break it down with some good old superlatives.

Best Kid’s Costume: The West Children

North as Aaliyah, Saint as Snoop, Chicago as Sade, and Psalm as Eazy-E.

Kim K crashing Tracee Ellis Ross’s birthday dinner dressed as Mystique didn’t make the cut for me this year, but her creative direction of her children’s Halloween shoot? Top-notch.

I initially thought this was a Tommy Hilfiger ad and I was like aww, North’s first brand deal! And then when I realized it was a Halloween thing, all I could think about is how when I was 8, I dressed myself as Dobby the House Elf and carried around an old sock as my version of artistry.

Best Mean Costume: Frankie Jonas & GF

Trolling your siblings is always a win, but like most things in life, it’s more meaningful if they’re famous.

Non Jonas Brother Jonas Brother Frankie Jonas and his girlfriend took a cheap but powerful shot, mocking Joe’s peak teenage stardom with outfits (and purity rings) from his performance with Taylor Swift in the 2008 film Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience.

But doing improv in character is what takes this from cheeky tribute to calculated shade, and I appreciate that extra mile!

Best Literary Costume: Janelle Monae

If I wrote for People Mag I’d be like, “The White Rabbit might be famously late, but Janelle Monae was right on time with this wonderful Halloween masterpiece!”

The slutty bunny called — she wants her dignity back.

This is class, this is ingenuity, this is the true meaning of Halloween, Charlie Brown!

How much did this cost? How many artists were employed? If you have to ask, you can’t afford it!

Best Couples Costume: Kravis

Last week I was shaded by multiple individuals for having a chocolate bias in my Halloween Candy poll, and this week I’m going to be dragged for my Kardash bias. But guess what?! I’m not a journalist, so I have no ethics — I’m a loose canon Substacker who doesn’t play by the rules. (Also, if I had to give an award for worst costume, it would be Kris Jenner as Wonder Woman. You’re so rich that you’re under a Ferrari ban, but you bought your costume off the rack at Spirit Halloween? Pathetic.)

Anyway, I’m not even a huge Kourtney fan, Travis was the hero of this look. And it’s not like they had a lot of competition — MGK and Megan Fox were horrifying in a bad way as they try to convince us they aren’t broken up, while Emma Chamberlain and Role Model were too private to give us the full effect of their Shining Twins collab.

Best Film-Inspired Costume: Ariana Grande & Liz Gillies

Yes, they filmed this in May, but perfection takes preparation. While maybe not technically a Halloween Costume, they delivered us a full montage of professionally produced re-enactments of Jane Lynch and Jennifer Coolidge in Best in Show, timed to Halloween, and it deserves a People’s Choice Award.

The forethought is inspiring — instead of frantically scanning a HuffPost roundup of 10 Best Last-Minute Halloween Costumes they already had winning content banked and uploaded to HootSuite.

Best Gross Costume: Heidi Klum

Is the Pope Catholic? OF COURSE, Heidi Klum wins grossest costume. It takes moxie to opt for slimy over sexy, even when you’re an international supermodel.

Worm Heidi is going to live on forever, among the likes of the Lady Gaga Meat Dress and Angelina Jolie’s slit. To quote Taylor Swift, “that’s a real fucking legacy.”

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Today’s Uncultured Award goes to Kyle, the inaugural wearer of the Uncultured baseball cap. If you want one they’re avail here. DISCLAIMER: these are wholesale prices with zero profit margins (AKA the sharks would not be impressed). I am simply honored to have any friends sport the brand in public — or private, IDK your hat-wearing preferences.

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Skinny Soundbites

Half-baked mini thoughts

• My queen Lindsay Lohan was on the cover of Cosmo this week. She’s still friends with Nancy Meyers, is tight with Al Pacino, and is gunning for another hosting gig on SNL.

• I hate how much I have to talk about Glee, but it feels like every week it’s popping back into relevance. Like many other one-hit-wonders before them (I’m looking at the office ladies…), two Glee alums have started a podcast about their time on their show. Their first episode with Ry*n M*rphy revealed that the role of Mr. Schue was initially written for Justin Timberlake, and that the character was supposed to be addicted to crystal meth. So like, Breaking Bad meets Camp Rock?

• In the fifth grade, one of the special class projects was designing your own wooden model race car. I have a vivid memory of my friend Shoshana making hers an Archuleta Mobile, in homage to American Idol finalist David Archuleta, who we all thought was cute as fuck. Yesterday, he just came out of both obscurity and the closet in an interview with People, where he disclosed that he’s taking a break from his devout Mormon church and is part of the LGBTQ community. Love to see it!

Prekend Wrapped

What the fuck is a prekend?

• Watching: High brow alert! I’m going to see Tar on Sunday.

• Listening: This Blew Up, a six-part podcast from The Ringer exploring how social media stardom is made.

• Reading: “Selena Gomez Wasn’t Sure She Was Ready To Tell This Story” (Rolling Stone)

Sound On!

Hit me with your best thot.

Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:

1. Have you ever had a paranormal experience/encounter with a ghost?

2. If you had the money and resources of a celeb, what Halloween photoshoot would you love to do? (Mine would be Andy’s outfit montage in The Devil Wears Prada).

3. Who was your first celebrity crush?

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