I'm Chanel Number One, obvi

Happy Halloween! I tried to get in some good horror movie viewing in this week — I saw Ti West’s X, which honestly was not for me, and watched the original 1978 Halloween for the first time, which I loved! It weirdly felt cozy, like the same feeling you get watching Gilmore Girls on a chilly fall day, except it’s a slasher.

For more spooky movie recs, my October guide is here, but more importantly, here’s this week’s poll:

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Rough Cut

Movie reviews, TV binges, etc.

The first season of Love Is Blind premiered in peak pandemic, which meant I was too busy harassing journalists with coconut shaving cream pitches to give it a watch.

When the second season rolled around I had already decided I didn’t care, but when the third installment dropped last week, I took the plunge.

LIB has fully entered the pop culture pantheon at this point, but for the uninitiated, the essential premise is that men and women date each other in separate, isolated pods, so they can hear but can’t see the other person. After ten days, those who have formed an enduring connection get engaged, then meet for the first time IRL in Malibu honeymooner suites with the aim to get married four weeks later.

When I first heard about this show I thought they LIVED in the pods for two weeks, but turns out they only go in them for dates lol.

It’s kind of the like The Bachelor on steroids. Or maybe Molly is more apropos, considering the contestants seem perfectly comfortable gushing, “I love you, Derek! I will marry you!” after spending a couple days talking through a wall about what their favorite big cat is.

Five couples made it out of podatory, so I’m breaking down their odds of making it down the aisle in the season finale, based on episodes 1-5.

Zanab & Cole: 11,000 to 1.

Cole, a 26-year-old realtor, and Zanab, a 31-year-old flight attendant.

To immediately put things into context: Cole is 27 and has already been married, but that holy union ended after four months, which offers you a sense of who we’re dealing with here.

Cole has the maturity of a Barstool Sports intern, and Zanab is both Type A and detrimentally insecure. On an early date playing corn hole and table tennis, the duo trudges about like they’re prisoners on their rec hour.

Most damning, at the couples pool party, Cole proceeds to spend the entire afternoon telling anyone who’ll listen that he’s just not that into his fiancee!

Raven & SK: 3,000 to 1.

Raven (27) is a pilates instructor who is def mean to the newbies that don’t know how to use the reformer machine. SK (34) is a data engineer.

Normally when you see “passion for fitness” on a dating app, you think she’s hitting Barry’s before brunch or he’s hiking with the boys on the weekend. But for Raven, it means a fervent round of jumping jacks while her blind date pours his heart out to her about past trauma on the other side of the wall.

After leaving the pods, Raven’s not attracted to her new fiancee SK, and chooses forcing him into a grueling garden pilates session rather than engaging in any pilates in the bedroom ;) ;)

SK seems like he’s willing to work through their awkward, sixth graders in the movie theater parking lot waiting to get picked up by their parents energy, so the jury’s out on if they’ll be keeping the zirconia ring.

Nancy & Bartise: 5,000 to 1.

For the love of Nancy! She’s a 31-year-old speech pathologist, he’s a 25-year-old analyst — aka every guy in my Hinge DMs.

I’m not saying that Bartise is an unattractive guy, but he seems to think that he’s Michael B. Jordan and it’s simply just not true. Like, you work at Citi and you’re scared of your Slack status switching to yellow.

For a fleeting moment, it appeared like he and Nancy might have an okay shot post-pods, until he gets to see his “ex” Raven in the flesh. And the man is obsessed with how hot she is, and obsessed with talking about how hot she is, including in multiple conversations with Nancy.

He seems fixated on the idea that people should picture him and Raven together because they’re both the most attractive people in the room at all times, both in their Malibu bubble and the real world. Maybe Raven runs away with that title for the girls, but for the boys, it’s not as cut and dry as he fancies believing.

Nancy, meanwhile, wants babies now, and is willing to look past Bartise backhandedly calling her homely and unfit every five seconds if it means she gets a husband and offspring. This steadfast resolve only increases the fear in his eyes with every hour that passes.

Colleen & Matt: 2,500 to 1.

Colleen (25) is a ballet dancer AND a digital PR strategist. So maybe she does ballet at like, a community dance center. Matt (28), is an aerospace manufacturer.

Did Colleen tell you that she’s a ballet dancer? Because she’s a ballet dancer, and a lot of guys in the real world are attracted to her when they learn she’s a ballet dancer.

Despite being a ballet dancer, Colleen faced a lot of rejection in the pods, mostly because she wasn’t interested in having a “deep marriage.” Guys want a girl who can do both: Blue Apron Instagram sponsorships and trauma bonding.

Matt seems really excited to be with her (maybe too excited), which is probably soothing for Colleen’s anxious attachment style, so I see this working out short-term.

Alexa & Brennon: 500 to 1.

Alexa (29) is an insurance manager, while Brennon (30) is a sales manager. Dinner table conversation must be riveting.

I can’t remember what these two bonded over in the pods, but they seem to have the most natural and genuine connection in real life — or as natural and genuine as you can be after committing your life to someone you’ve known for less time than your seatmate at Driver’s Ed.

I don’t know if their marriage will last, especially since it seems they have opposite family dynamics and might be misaligned on critical parenting strategies, but I anticipate that they will deliver their trite, “I vow to be your partner in crime” I Dos for the cameras at the very least.

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

Kylie Jenner, who’s forever been on-again-off-again with her two-time baby daddy and Astroworld rapper Travis Scott, has found herself on the receiving end of an infidelity scandal.

Last week, IG model Rojean Kar posted photos from a Travis Scott video shoot to her stories, implying that the pair were galavanting about under Kylie’s nose.

I’m not trying to sound like a gross, Mark-Zuckerberg-coding-FashMash type specimen, but it’s obvious that Rojean is a less hot Kylie wannabe. She’s filled her lips to the gods just like the King Kylie era instructed. And who can blame her? We were all influenced! At one time in my life, I probably had eleven Kylie Lip Kits because I stanned so hard.

In her Instagram profile, which hosts more than 400,000 followers, Rojean’s bio clarifies that she’s “not a fit tea pusher.” (There go all my classic flat tummy tea jokes). Her gram presence has been the stage for most of her multi-year narrative surrounding Travis — separate shoots at luxe ski resorts and casinos that were posted in suspiciously close windows of time have perpetuated speculation that when Travis is bored of playing house with Kylie, he’s jetting off on lover’s retreats with her Costco clone.

Bold caption for someone literally cosplaying as Kylie every day. Pack it up, ComicCon.

But anyway, following Rojean’s most recent spicy hint, Travis tried to put the rumors to rest, with a statement that boils down to a combo of Mariah’s iconic “I don’t know her” and Bill’s “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

What’s interesting about the situation is that for the past few years, Kylie and Travis’ relationship has been largely ambiguous. For starters, they’ve never lived together despite sharing two young children. Are they simply friends and amicable co-parents? Are they in an open relationship? Are they secretly married but protecting their privacy?

Rojean was insulted that Travis denied knowing her, resulting in an Insta rant that included: “You cheat on that bitch every single fucking night. The whole fucking city sees it!”

I’ll never forget the discomfort of watching Trylie’s 2018 couples interview with GQ, where they played a questions game and Travis couldn’t remember Kylie’s dogs’ names and struggled to name more than one product in the billion dollar Kylie Cosmetics portfolio (“I don’t know…a palette?”) The aloofness alone foreshadowed so much that came after.

But is Travis finally taking a stand in an effort to rebrand as a devoted family man? Is he cleaning up his act because we’re about to see a Kylie Baby x Travvy Daddy merch drop? Either way:

Kardash Korner

You don’t think I feel bad, I feel sad!

Sorry for the oversaturation this issue, but there’s too much kontent to ignore.

• Kim’s 42nd birthday party was derailed by inclement weather, turning a visit to Vegas’s Carbone and an Usher concert into a humble night at In N Out when Kylie’s private jet was forced to turn around. For Kim, this was probably a net W — she never gets to eat fast food and she’s probably completely unfazed by the spicy rigatoni at this point in her celebrity tenure. But for her friends? Majorly depressing.

• Kravis just bought Conan O’Brien’s ocean-view California home for $14.5M. If only you could buy his sense of humor, too! I’m kidding, Kourtney has her moments.

• After his fall from Balenciaga grace and termination from Adidas, Kayne showed up at none other than the Skechers headquarters, trying to shill some Yeezys. They declined his overture, but part of me thought that Skechers would be desperate enough to take the bait — it’s like the football quarterback inviting one of the dweebs who eats lunch in the computer room to smoke weed with the cool kids during free period. Hard to pass up!

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Skinny Soundbites

Half-baked mini thoughts

• What did I say about Christine Quinn? If we treated her like a real celeb, she would turn into Morbius and devour the city of Los Angeles. Yet low and behold, this week she launched a Marc Jacobs partnership and had a huge spread in PAPER Magazine. So it’s time to take a page out of the prepper book and build a bunker just in case.

• The View co-host Joy Behar nonchalantly mentioned on the show last week that she has “had sex with a few ghosts,” when the panel was discussing a story from a woman in Texas dealing with sexually deviant apparitions in her home. Joy would not elaborate further on the details of these spectral escapades, but the people need answers. Let’s get her on the Otherworld podcast, stat!

• The James Corden Balthazar saga has come to a close. After denying allegations of poor behavior in The Times, Corden decided to take accountability during his Monday night monologue, admitting to making. a rude comment, which he regrets, while blaming it on his wife’s food allergies. Keith was sure to get the last word, lifting the Corden Ban and imposing a two-week self-ban at his own restaurant, because he too has made mistakes so he doesn’t want to be a hypocrite.

• This week Charli D’Amelio released her debut single, “If You Ask Me To.” I don’t fancy myself a music expert, but people are saying it’s not that bad, and anything would be a step up from her sister Dixie’s infamous 2020 track “One Whole Day,” which sounds like it was recorded by one of the girls from Dance Moms during the pop star arc.

• Lastly, this morning we found out that Prince Harry’s — say it with me — “raw, unflinching memoir” is slated for an e-retailer near you on January 10th. It’s called Spare, but will he truly drop “bombshell after bombshell” as his good friends at the Daily Mail predict? TBD.

Prekend Wrapped

What the fuck is a prekend?

• Watching: The White Lotus S2! (HBO)

• Listening: The new Rihanna song.

• Reading: “LoveShackFancy built a pretty, skinny, rich-girl dreamworld. The fantasy was impossible to live up to.” (INSIDER)

Sound On!

Hit me with your best thot.

Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:

1. What Halloween costume do you think will oversaturate the streets this weekend? (e.g. Cassie from Euphoria in the Oklahoma scene).

2. Is anyone from this season of Love Is Blind likable?

3. Which fast food restaurant would you want to cater your next birthday party?