The 2023 Golden Goblin Awards
Plus M&M drama, Paris Hilton's baby, and more.
I’m not usually a rewatch person on account of the sheer volume of content and the finite years of life we have to sift through it — like if I died tomorrow, I’d never have finished Ozark.
But due to the looming sense of dread I’ve been experiencing as of late, I’m giving Arrested Development a revisit, which is also Jason Bateman content without the gloom and doom.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
The Senate is secretly full of Swifties. At the Ticketmaster hearing this week, senators made it their mission to make as many lyrical Swift references as possible. Unclear if they were looking for social media attention (they got it) or had instigated some sort of behind-the-scenes bet with one another, but there was no reason for this tomfoolery: “Ticketmaster ought to look in the mirror and say, ‘I'm the problem, it's me.’” Dad, you’re embarrassing me!
Moms are horny for The Wiggles’ new cast member. Fruit salad? Yummy, yummy. John Pearce, the new tatted, buff, “Purple Wiggle” has moms thirsting in the comments and discarding their kids’ screen-time limits.
And speaking of motherhood, Kylie revealed her baby name. I took a short social media hiatus over the weekend, so imagine me finding out about this fifteen hours late. After axing Wolf, they decided on Aire (the “e” is silent), which, okay. I guess it kind of goes well with Stormi, like storms and air are both in the atmosphere? Lol.
Plus, North West signed on for her first voice acting role. Kim infamously participated as a voice in the Paw Patrol movie to get her kids to notice her, and North will be joining her in the sequel. She can make sure to stow away the earnings in her college fund.
Lastly, we have official news on the Anna Delvey reality show! It’s called Delvey’s Dinner Club, showcasing intimate, A-list dinners at her East Village apartment, all while she’s still on house arrest. In a world where everyone needs their angle, she’s definitely found one.
M&Ms. . .take a klonopin.
Almost a year ago today, Mars made the controversial decision to swap the canonically sexy Green M&M’s Sharon Tate go-go boots for sensible sneakers, in an effort to be more reflective of current society, or something like that.
The internet jokingly called to stop slut-shaming candy, it dominated the news cycle for a couple seconds, and we moved on with our lives.
Then, because they couldn’t leave well enough alone, in October 2022, M&Ms introduced a new Purple M&M (despite no physical purple M&Ms actually being produced) to hammer home how inclusive they are, since purple can be interpreted as a gay color in some contexts.
Purple was the star of M&M’s recent International Women’s Day packaging, spurring fresh backlash from famed vore artist Tucker Carlson, who felt the mascot was too obese for his liking.
On Monday, M&M published a lengthy statement, pictured below, outlining the decision to “take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies” (how can you say that without laughing) due to the division they’ve caused, replacing them with Maya Rudolph.
And I hope they paid her a LOT because this is an L for Maya. . .like, “we picked you because our A/B testing showed that you’re both diverse and elicited neutral reactions from the American public. Please save our candy business and heal the nation’s wounds.”
This is so embarrassing!! Having spent my short career working with brand bozos, I think you truly get tunnel vision and start to believe that all eyes are on your candy company — it’s imperative you make a statement because your silence is deafening and the world needs answers!!!!
I bet they spent weeks writing this dumb address and then right before they posted it, they dramatically hovered over the Tweet button like they were the journalists from Spotlight about to expose decades of allegations against the Catholic Church. “This is big,” they thought to themselves solemnly, not catching the fact that they used the descriptor “beloved” twice.
What brands should really do in these situations is hand over the keys to an outside, third-party observer who will be like, no one gives two macarons about your gay spokescandies, save the $7M dollars on Maya Rudolph and invest in something boring that actually drives conversion.
Regardless, if every person Tucker Carlson bullied closed up shop, we would be living in the equivalent of a soulless Walmart parking lot, which would mean zero candies that Tucker wants to fuck. Everybody loses!
The stuffy Oscar nominations came out on Tuesday, followed quickly by the mean-spirited Razzies, who just had to apologize for nominating a 12-year-old for “Worst Actress.”
Which got me thinking as the self-appointed Vice President of Operations of low-brow Substack, why not throw my proverbial hat in the ring???
Please enjoy the first-ever Golden Goblin nominations (or the Goblies, as it’s known to industry insiders).
Best Picture
Ambulance
Barbarian
Do Revenge
Fresh
Top Gun: Maverick
Best Performance By a Food Item
The LGBTQ+ chocolates, Bros
Harry Styles’ unboiled potatoes, Don’t Worry Darling
The hot dog hands, Everything Everywhere All At Once
The cheeseburger, The Menu
The sacrificial Instagram pasta, Triangle of Sadness
Best Random Celebrity Cameo
Bad Bunny, Bullet Train
Sophie Turner, Do Revenge
Shailene Woodley, The Fallout
Hugh Grant, The Glass Onion
John Mayer, Vengeance
Best Performance by an Animal
The Banished Tulkun Whale, Avatar: The Way of Water
The Party Elephant, Babylon
Jenny The Donkey, The Banshees of Inisherin
The Homicidal Monkey, Nope
Puss in Boots, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish
Best Outfit
Margot Robbie’s orgy party dress, Babylon
Maya Hawke’s makeover, Do Revenge
Kate Hudson’s mesh mask, The Glass Onion
Lindsay Lohan’s ski suit, Falling for Christmas
Sandra Bullock’s jumpsuit, The Lost City
Best One-Liner
Hello, college! Babylon
Your parents are upper. middle. class. Bodies Bodies Bodies
I don’t do coCAINE! I don’t know what it LOOKS LIKE! Do Revenge
Tortillas. The Menu
Balenciaga! And H&M! Balenciaga! And H&M! Triangle of Sadness
Best Vacation The Actors Had While “Shooting A Movie”
The Bubble
Fire Island
The Glass Onion
The Lost City
Ticket to Paradise
Best Song
Sunny Side Up Summer, The Bob’s Burgers Movie
Jacob Elordi’s lounge piano, Deep Water
One Way or Another, Hocus Pocus 2
Jingle Bell Rock, Falling for Christmas
Apartment For Sale, Tár
Best Out of Pocket Moment
Amateur spleen surgery during a high-speed car chase, Ambulance
Biting off a girl’s finger at a sleepover, Bones & All
The infamous jig, Don’t Worry Darling
The s’mores, The Menu
Pretending to be present for a terrorist attack, Not Okay
2023 Predictions Update!
Before break, I enlisted some of my most trusted pop culture friends to share the headlines and trends they thought would dominate 2023. And as of January 24th, we already have our first winner.
Paris Hilton did in fact have a child, a baby boy via surrogate.
You can revisit Simone’s initial prediction here, and please join me in giving her a gauche goblin screech of approval.
I’m a little concerned about what name she’ll end up with, especially given her history with dog names (e.g. Slivington and Harajuku Bitch). But there’s definitely a world where she picks something traditional and rich-sounding, like Malcolm or Nathaniel. Kind of like royal baby, Malibu edition.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Milf Manor (TLC) — Review forthchoming!
Eating: Sweetgreen’s winter menu arrived last week, and the barbecue dressing is amazing. Swap it for the hot sauce in the buffalo chicken bowl. . .incredible.
Reading: “Apple Martin is Now a Chanel Girl” (The Cut) — New It Girl unlocked. The Vogue beauty secrets video will drop any day now.
all winning takes here except I would never swap out the sweetgreen hot sauce