It's the future I can see
2023 Pop Culture Forecasting
Last week, we talked about some of the most memorable moments and mishaps from 2022. This week, we’ll dive into predictions for 2023 — who will live, who will die, who will win Dancing with the Stars?
In addition to my own predictions, I sourced outside takes from friends of the pod to gain some additional perspective. That said, it’s mostly more white women with brown hair.
EmRata gets temporarily canceled. And that’s what she gets for stealing my podcast idea. But pods can put you in hot water — you think you’re in control, you get too comfortable, then BANG! There’s a viral soundbite of you saying migrant workers have it easier than Victoria’s Secret models.
Olivia Rodrigo & Sabrina Carpenter collab. Olivia got famous off of nobody boy Joshua Bassett dumping her for “that blonde girl,” spawning her hit single Driver’s License. Then the blonde girl made an album about it, too.
They’ve both moved on from the baby-faced D-Lister, and it’s time to have a Hailey/Selena moment with a John Tucker Must Die duet that profits off surface-level feminism and #girlpower.
Lea Michele and her son do a campaign with I Can Read! Books. Do I actually think this will happen? No. But it would be what dreams are made of. Lea has been combatting the not-so-rumory rumors that she’s a mean girl diva after taking the stage in the Funny Girl revival, which includes developing a sense of humor. She finally got in on the “Lea Michele can’t read” joke with a cheeky TikTok earlier this year, so now it’s time to capitalize on her self-deprecation.
Kim K starts dating a political powerhouse. Pete was cute when Kim was bored and DTF, but we all know she’s a strategist at heart. With law school, her prison reform work, and her new private equity firm, it’s clear that she’s working double overtime to reposition herself in society as more than the girl who lost-her-diamond-earring-in-the-ocean-and-it’s-gone nearly two decades ago.
And when you’re the most famous woman on Earth, canoodling with a Brad Pitt type does nothing for you. She needs political capital, which is why she’ll pull a George Clooney and join forces with a high-status attorney or a diplomat.
Zendaya snags an Oscar nom. Look, back-to-back Emmy wins are all fine and good, but they can only satisfy you for so long. Zendaya’s team will go hard for the Challengers movie — Z didn’t take tennis lessons for three months and slum it in Boston with the Emerson College kids just for a Golden Globes nod.
Jenna Ortega hosts SNL and it flops. She’s having her It Girl moment, and I’m happy for her! Wednesday is sort of getting Stranger Things treatment, and with SNL trying to appeal to younger audiences (cough: the Jack Harlow show), I could see her getting the call next year if she’s a little bigger by the time her next project rolls around.
But as good of an actress as she is, she’s adopted this weird, self-serious persona that she uses during press — she talks about the Netflix show with the same reverence as if she was starring in an Aronofsky movie. And it’s like, relax, you’re in Riverdale territory.
The appletini finally has its comeback. True friends know I’ve been trying to mastermind this for as long as I’ve been drinking. I became obsessed with appletinis when Justin Timberlake ordered them for the table at a swanky Manhattan restaurant in The Social Network, my favorite film of all time. It felt like such an “I’ve arrived” moment. But by the time I arrived in New York, appletinis were an embarrassment to the cocktail industry and a cursed symbol of tackiness and general shame.
However, according to a recent article from Grub Street, cocktail critics are hypothesizing that with the over-saturation of the espresso martini, 2022 has marked the end of the cocktail gatekeepers’ reign of terror. Novelty cocktails are back with ardent fervor, customers are shirking societal norms, and the appletini shall strike!!!
Vera Bradley makes a cheugy return. As far as the aught’s fashion revival goes, things have to get worse before they get better. Enter Vera Bradley. When quilted, the Lilly Pulitzer–hued, paisley textiles take on a chunky but smooth-edged shape. Small ones like a classic mini bag would genuinely be cute with so many outfits and styles. Maybe a collaboration with Baggu? — Julia B., Columbia PhD candidate & RENT the Musical superfan
Alison Roman becomes Ralph Fiennes in The Menu. I’m a New York–adjacent millennial, and like my not-all-that-problematic fave Alison Roman, I wear Bermuda shorts in the summer and encourage my hot friends to eat ham in the winter. Alison is back from semi-cancellation and the time is ripe for next moves.
Personally, I don’t think her Bloomville property will be a restaurant-grocery any time soon—restaurants are financially risky and time-consuming and she already has a good thing going. Plus, her brand is home cooking, not dirtbag chef, and she’s already infamously stated that she isn’t down for a product line of tomato-shallot jam or wooden spoons.
My guess is we’ll be hearing rumblings of a Catskills supper club in 2023, probably called “Supper Club.” It would have to be expensive and infrequent to fit in with her other projects but I think it works, and Alison, if you’re reading this, I’ll exchange design consulting for an invite. — Katie J., my sister & Yale art school phenom
Taylor Swift sees #SnakeGate 2.0. We’re overdue for another wave of T Swift backlash. She’s getting too powerful and fans spent a lot of money on Eras tickets and are poised to be disappointed when she does something annoying, tone deaf, or the set list isn’t exactly what they’d hoped for. I’m envisioning her becoming a bit of a laughing stock or culturally reviled figure again in 2023 (a la “Please Welcome to the Stage!”) which will go away in 2024 when she either 1) disappears, 2) gets married, or 3) both. — Mackenzie P., a literal executive
Paris Hilton debuts a mini me. 2023 is going to be the year we finally get a little Hilton baby to follow in her mom’s footsteps (sorry to Nicky’s kids). Paris has stated she’s trying for a family and pregnancy has never been a bigger money maker than it is today, so what better time for the queen of money-making herself?
While I personally would have loved for Paris’s daughter (she’s obviously having a girl) to have been old enough to hang with North and Penelope as the next-gen It Girls, she could still feasibly run with Stormi and Chicago which I’ll accept. Or, better yet, she’ll skyrocket ahead of the Kardash klan (sorry Emma) and reclaim the Hilton name as HBIC. In any case, I’m anxiously awaiting baby content from Paris in 2023. — Simone G., publicist and Alyson Stoner lookalike
Thanks so much for reading Uncultured this year! I watched The Banshees of Inisherin last night, and this low-quality newsletter has been my equivalent of Brendan Gleeson trying to compose a good fiddle tune before he dies — largely inconsequential, but gives you the illusion of spending your time on Earth doing something other than having inane chats at the bar over $16 appletinis. I’m just trying to leave behind a legacy of reality TV reviews that makes my great-grandchildren proud, you know?
I’ll be back in January — merry christmas to all you slime puppies, gauche goblins, and grimy sluts!!! Xx — E