Not bad for a girl with no talent

The other day my friend Annie was telling me about someone she knows who met her boyfriend via the movie app Letterboxd, a romance that sparked from an astute, spellbinding comment she left on a film.

I said I wasn’t opposed to meeting someone in this capacity (Raya has still never accepted me), to which Annie replied, “Yeah? What insightful commentary do you have on the Bratz movie?” Which was frankly just mean. Obviously I could concoct lots of fun one-liners about the Bratz movie.

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Rough Cut

Movie reviews, TV binges, etc.

Any time we get a reality show where the primary objective is to lie to people, I shout, “Stefano! Clear my calendar!”

Last week, Netflix dropped The Mole, a reboot of the 2001 series of the same name, originally hosted by CNN Zaddy Anderson Cooper.

The logline: 12 contestants are dropped into the jungles of Australia, where the successful completion of team missions adds money to a shared pot. The twist?! A mole is hiding among them, covertly sabotaging their efforts to win money for themself alone.

What else? 

An adventure show at heart, missions range from faux bank heists to jailbreaks, with lots of prisoner dilemmas, double-crossing, and double bluffs.

And it’s not only the mole who’s effing things up — non-mole contestants have strong incentive to make themselves look shady in the eyes of the other players. Because each weekly elimination is determined by an individual quiz, assessing how much you know about the mole’s identity, with the lowest score getting sent home. So making your fellow players think you’re the mole when you aren’t can make them fuck up the quiz, ensuring your own safety on elimination day.

It sounds complicated, and it is. When you lock a dozen people in a house who all think they’re strategic masterminds, they’re going to self-implode. It’s like the non-horny version of Too Hot To Handle, where money was deducted from the prize pot every time contestants dry humped — it’s impossible for The Mole players to make any substantial earnings because they’re all overwhelmed by their desire to appear the snakiest or the smartest.

Which makes the dominant strategy as the mole, IMO, to just operate as a team player the whole time, having the confidence that everyone else will invent their own demise.

Nobody’s perfect! Some light critiques:

• Similar to The Circle, episodes typically end “off-cycle,” meaning they choose a dramatic cliffhanger over sticking to a consistent format (re: always ending with an elimination ceremony). Bachelor Nation famously threw a tantrum when the Rose Ceremonies were pushed to the beginning of the following episode, so maybe I need to organize support on Reddit for this one.

• While we never see the full elimination quiz as contestants complete it, we get snippets. Some questions are tied to how the mole was operating during a mission (e.g. which team were they on, were they sitting or standing), while some rely on minute information about their personal life, like “what’s the name of their current pet?” Which means not only do you have to be uber observant during the challenges, but you also have to uncover and memorize small talk facts about your competition. As someone who hates small talk, this would be the end for my game.

Watch If You Liked: The Imposter, Snake in the Grass, Survivor

Closing Thoughts: I hope they make more seasons of this! Fast-paced, easy viewing, and they consistently think up new twists so the game never gets stale.

★★★★☆

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

Last week, 44% of you picked Hasan Minhaj in response to the poll about possible Daily Show successors. But now, what are he, Nobel Prize Winner Malala Yousafzai, and former Miss Universe Priyanka Chopra all doing in the same headline? I’ll tell you!

In Hasan’s new Netflix comedy special, The King’s Jester, he continues to ride out a joke that he’s been recycling in various forms for months about not following Malala back on Instagram. Which was a decision he definitely made for the sake of comedy, because being mutuals with Malala?! One-way ticket to international clout town.

Evidently, on top of all her degrees and prestigious awards, M-Girl also has a savage sense of humor, because after the special dropped, she blasted Hasan on Insta, polling her followers if she should unfollow him, with a third option simply asking “Who Is This Man?”

Last week, Hasan made an elaborate plea to reinstate her follow, while acknowledging that he’s likely still too petty to follow back.

Then Priyanka, who was probably feeling salty about Hasan making fun of her marriage to inferior Jonas Brother Nick Jonas (“who marries Nick Jonas unironically?”) decided to get in the mix with a pointed unfollow, being like, I got you girl, lolz XD girl power!!!

Being a C-list celebrity must be so fun. Hasan’s team probably had a whole brainstorm on how to respond to Malala and then someone wrote a script and then someone produced and edited it, all for shits and gigs. You have enough money and resources to make elaborate internet responses to fake beef, but you aren’t famous enough that you get harassed by fans every time you buy a Vitamin Water from the corner store. The American Dream in its purest form.

For some additional insight from the Malala camp, I texted my roommate, a comms representative at the Malala Fund, but she could not be reached for comment, since we currently aren’t on speaking terms after I left too many empty Amazon boxes in the hall.

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I am majorly behind on my growth KPI this month! Share Uncultured with a friend, lover, or enemy.

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Money Talks

Credit card debt intensifies. . .

Some recent purchases.

• Laneige Lip Mask — my friend Julia swears by this and was kind enough to share it when the desert air of Joshua Tree was drying everyone out (humblebrag). It was heavily discounted on Prime Day so I snagged one!

• Fake Hydrangeas — I’m pretty sure these are for like, a budget wedding, but I got some for my apartment. They look nice!

• Parade BodySuit in Rose — literally god bless the Parade Insta girlies and their discount codes. This was already on a major sale, and then I got 30% off from a #ambassador.

Skinny Soundbites

Half-baked mini thoughts

• After getting booted from Twitter for anti-semitic comments, Kanye is reportedly looking to purchase Parler, the conservative social media app that’s home to the MAGA masses. Cringe.

• In less dire social media news, Instagram is exploring adding songs to user profiles. Apparently this was a thing on MySpace, but obviously I am too young to know about it.

• A “bombshell interview” in the one and only Daily Mail with the former nanny of Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis unearthed new “information” about the couple’s dramatic disintegration following Olivia’s alleged affair with Harry Styles. This includes Jason hurling himself under Olivia’s car after he found out she was making her “special salad dressing” for Harry. The duo released a joint statement that the allegations are false, but that just makes me think they’re real, because if they were truly so outlandish, why would you dignify it with a coordinated response?

• Remember last week when I asked for a Glee documentary? Well my prayers were received and addressed because it is coming to Discovery+! Bets on if Lea Michele declines to interview?

• Professional shit-stirrer and restaurant mogul Keith McNally publicly banned James Corden from Balthazar, describing two incidents of “abusive” behavior towards staff. One episode included the “tiny Cretin” berating a waiter over an improperly made “egg yolk omelet” (??). After the viral post, Corden called McNally and apologized profusely, so now he is un-banned and peace is restored in the realm.

• Lastly, Variety New Power of New York honoree Julia Fox shared on TikTok that her Birkin bag was the victim of a “machete attack,” with no further details. In a follow-up, she posted texts from her dad who said that the machete cuts looked more like a razor blade (“anyone who knows machetes knows this”), but stood firm that it was in fact a machete because she “knows what she saw.”

Prekend Wrapped

What the fuck is a prekend?

• Watching: Triangle of Sadness — it’s giving White Lotus, cruise edition.

• Listening: Midnights, duh! This is the second Tay album in recent herstory to be released while I’m home in coastal Massachusetts, and what better way to listen for the first time than walking down a dirt road with autumn leaves falling like pieces into place?!

• Reading: Tomorrow is Kim’s birthday, so I’ve compiled a Kyllabus in her honor.

  • The Immense Powers of Kim Kardashian Are in Transition, Not Decline (Vulture)

  • Kim Kardashian Bares All (Interview Magazine)

  • Kim Kardashian on her Legal Ambitions, Social Media Efforts, and New Spotify Podcast (The Hollywood Reporter)

Sound On!

Hit me with your best thot.

Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:

1. What’s your IG profile song gonna be?

2. When you make a home-cooked meal for your prospective lover in the early days of dating, what’s your signature dish?

3. Are you a cruise person?