I no longer run on Dunkin'

Not sure if there are any Daily Show stans in this crowd, but Trevor Noah’s departure is officially slated for December 8, so he has more time to make out with Dua Lipa.

So I thought it would be fun to talk succession! These are my poorly thought-out predictions:

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Rough Cut

Movie review, TV binges, etc.

The number one movie on Netflix this weekend was the new drama “Luckiest Girl Alive,” which I for some reason chose to spend the Monday holiday watching.

If this was starring like, Kate Mara, I probably would have skipped it, but I’ve always had such a soft spot for Mila Kunis. I think it’s because I love her hair. 

Fair warning, *this review contains heavy spoilers*, based on the assumption that you either already watched this or never will.

And also trigger warning!

The logline: Ani is a certified cool girl sex editor at a prestigious magazine who’s weeks away from her wedding with her hot old money fiancee – until a documentary about her high school shooting threatens to unravel her meticulously engineered social climb. 

What else? 

This movie has two drastically disparate tones, and not in a clever way like Barbarian (my horror girlies know). 

The first act is giving Erin Brockovich – so many deliciously bitch one liners, like, “Give me something skanky to keep the lights on!” and “OnlyYou Pro is the font of a trash slut who doesn’t know how to pass the salt and pepper shakers together.” Love it!

Ani is killing it at her job and she has her fiancee wrapped around her finger from pretending to be satiated by four bites of pizza and by looking like Mila Kunis.

Having already orchestrated a meteoric rise from scholarship kid to Tribeca Society Woman, the last piece of the puzzle is getting her dream editorship at The New York Times, so she can ditch her Cosmo BJ stories and finally write about Important Issues like Afghanistan. Personally, I can never relate to this trope. If I were a journalist I’d pick the clickbait beat every goddamn day!

All that said, we’re alerted within the first 57 seconds of the movie that despite how things look, it’s not all rainbows and Cartier for Ani — there’s more nuance to the story. Which is why we’re constantly bombarded with completely un-nuanced hallucinatory motifs of bloody knives, signaling to us that Ani probably shanked someone in her past (spoiler: she did!). It was very Florence Pugh dreaming of macabre ballerinas every five minutes in Don’t Worry Darling – don’t worry, we get it! 

Around halfway through, we switch gears from Gone Girl to After School Special. Heavy, awkwardly placed flashbacks detail the horrible sexual assault and subsequent trauma that Ani endured as a teen and has since repressed. Which, at the film’s lukewarm conclusion, eventually prompt her to drop the facade, leave her fiancee on their wedding day (classic), and finally be her authentic self (or something).

In the final sequence, Ani pens an unflinching and unfiltered op-ed for The Times about her assault, and then we get these cringy-ass voiceovers from women of all different walks of life describing how moved they are that she shared her story.

I just don’t understand how we went from “Wet-Seal-wearing gutter rat” in Act 1 to sanctimonious Sarah McLachlan PSA as the credits roll.  

Some misc. thoughts: 

• Connie Britton plays Ani’s trailer park mom, but I think she had no place in this movie. She is a real actress, we all saw White Lotus!  

• This is the one instance where you don’t choose your career over love. Marrying a BlackRock trust fund baby can buy you any career you want. It’s not worth slumming it at 90K just so you can say you work at The Times. It’s like the reverse of “she’ll always be known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris.” 

Watch If You Liked: Promising Young Woman, I Care A Lot, Girl on the Train  

Closing Thoughts: The most fulfilling part of this movie for me was the sass. And you can find sass in other places, like in Selling Sunset, or at Erewhon on a Sunday morning. 

★★☆☆☆

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

I came across a clip from the BFF pod on TikTok the other day, and they were talking about how Charli D’Amelio has been dethroned as the most followed person on TikTok.

I guess this happened like a month ago, but it’s new news to me.

If it’s also news to you, I did a quick overview of the new Monarch of Tok, 22-year-old Khaby Lame.

What’s his elevator pitch? While the rest of TikTok is making Get Ready With Me videos or pranking their boyfriend with fake phone calls, Khaby never utters a word. His content is purely physical comedy, like a Gen Z Charlie Chaplin.

Huh? You sort of have to see it to get it. He speaks Italian and limited English, but through non-verbal comedy, he’s able to resonate with viewers across the globe, which might account for his whopping 150 million followers. Basically the ultimate marketing strategy.

Surely this isn’t all unbridled capitalism! Does he have a heartwarming backstory? Much like an Amazing Race contestant, Khaby does indeed have an inspirational backstory. He got started on TikTok after losing his factory job in the early days of the pandemic. Now, he reportedly makes $750K for a single sponsored post, raking in ten million dollars a year. Who’s laughing now, factory?!

Is there beef between Khaby and Charli? As much as I love a TikTok feud, there is sadly no beef. Charli’s incredibly media trained answer about getting usurped was that “it was time” for someone else to take over, and that she’s happier with less pressure.

TL;DR: If he doesn’t appear in your TikTok algorithm, I’m sure you’ll see him pop up in a Super Bowl ad. And then you can be like, “that’s the guy from TikTok!” making you seem oh so savvy and in the know.

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Money Talks

Credit card debt intensifies. . .

You know in the first week of school when you wear all your cute outfits from your back-to-school shopping? And then the next week you’re like, now that I’m out of neon pants from deLIA’s, what do I wear?! That’s kind of how I’m feeling now that I’ve worn all my new fall staples.

• Uniqlo Wide-Fit Pleated Pants in Beige — these are all sold out now in every size and color, so clearly I was onto something.

• Los Angeles Apparel High-Waist Sweatpants — PERFECT for curvier gals who need sweats with STRUCTURE. They’re oversized but not in a boxy way and they’re high-waisted enough to make me temporarily stop searching for Cool Sculpting Groupons.

• Kith Women Nylon Cap — I debated getting this and it was the wrong move. I kind of think I hate it, but they have a shady return policy so at this point it’s a sunk cost and I’ll have to make it work.

• Steve Madden Vegan Leather Boyfriend Blazer — this was on a huge sale at Nordstrom Rack. And I’m not above that!

Skinny Soundbites

Half-baked mini thoughts

Let’s talk celeb feuds! They were plentiful this week:

• TJ Miller vs. Ryan Reynolds: Irrelevant TJ Miller tried and succeeded to get headlines by alleging that Ryan Reynolds bullied him on the set of Deadpool by doing a bizarre meta take of a scene where he insulted TJ in character. TJ called this “horrifically mean.” Ryan then DIGNIFIED THIS claim with a response, the two made up via email, and now TJ is like, false alarm ha ha we’re all good guys.

• Chris Colfer vs. Lea Michele: Lea Michele’s reputation tour is derailed at every turn! Yesterday, her former Glee cast mate Chris Colfer (the guy who played the gay dude who loved Wicked) was asked in an interview if he planned to see Lea in Funny Girl, to which he replied, “My day suddenly just got so full. . .I can be triggered at home.” Can someone commission a Glee tell-all documentary retrospective? The people want to know!

• Dunkin vs. The People: Lastly, Dunkin’ rolled out a new rewards program this week, and the Ben Afflecks of the world are throwing their Munchkins. In a union negotiation gone wrong, the updated program raised the threshold for a free drink from every $40 spent to $70, and the free birthday drink has been kiboshed. Angry redditors are boycotting: “I no longer run on Dunkin.”

Prekend Wrapped

What the fuck is a prekend?

• Watching: The Watcher (Netflix) — This is a dramatization of that viral story from a few years ago about new homeowners in NJ who started getting mega ominous letters from a person called The Watcher who was apparently stalking their house. But this is a Ryan Murphy production, so we have a right to be suspicious.

• Reading: “The Clapback Tee is Making a Comeback” (ELLE)

• Drinking: Negroni Sbagliato With Prosecco in It

Sound On!

Hit me with your best thot.

Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:

1. If you were a reporter, would you rather cover sex or politics?

2. What side of TikTok are you on? (e.g. dogs, Christian couples, kinetic sand)

3. What’s your current signature cocktail?