Happy October to this rollicking band of Gauche Goblins!!
I’ve become a bit of a horror movie connoisseur over the years, which I largely attribute to the fact that I’m an incredibly boring person, meaning that for me, the light adrenaline rush that accompanies a slasher film is akin to a normal person gumming some surplus coke on a Wednesday night.
To put my knowledge to good use, I created a spooky movie guide to help maximize your October viewing — whether you’re a certified scaredy cat or one of those psycho McKamey Manor weirdos.
Enjoy, and we’ll be back with our regularly scheduled programming on Thursday!
A Gauche Goblin’s Guide to Horror
For the purposes of this guide, I’m denoting the scare factor of each film with little skulls: 5 Skulls = Hash It Out In Therapy; 1 Skull = A Gentle Chill Down the Spine.
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Best Entry Level: Scream (1996)
A masked killer known as Ghostface terrorizes the teens of a suburban California town — leveraging tropes from the horror movie genre, the friends try to stay alive and identify their pursuer.
You know the vibe! It’s the film that inspired this iconic Halloween costume that all the boys who grew up to be popular in high school wore when they were 8.
For all its slasher inclinations, Scream is often more comical than scary. It’s a great Horror 101 experience, drawing on its predecessors while also paving the way for the future.
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Best Ghost Movie: Paranormal Activity (2007)
When hot millennial couple Katie and Micah start noticing suspicious activity in their new home, they set up a bedroom camera to monitor their situation — this is official business, it’s not that kind of movie.
I was obsessed with this franchise growing up. I went to see the second one in theaters (which is the best one) and lied to my parents when they dropped me off and said I was going to see The Help (as if).
It boils down to a series of escalating jump scares, but paranoia will certainly bleed into the rest of your evening. Legend has it that Stephen Spielberg believed an early DVD screener of the film was “haunted” after he watched it at home and his bedroom door mysteriously locked on its own the same night.
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Best Psychological Horror: Get Out (2017)
Chris, a Black photographer, takes a weekend trip to meet the parents of his white girlfriend, who are very intent on proving to him that they aren’t racist.
I’ve never had an SO so I’ve never had to meet someone’s parents. But I think a weekend trip is way too strong of a start — like, let’s trying splitting the bagel tower at Sadelle’s before we take our relationship to the next level.
Get Out is a perfectly constructed movie. It’s 2022 so if you haven’t seen it by now, you probably at least sorta know what happens, so I’m going to say nothing additional because the less you know going into it the better.
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Best Indie: Green Room (2015)
After finishing a gig in Portland, a punk rock band witnesses a murder backstage. Major wrong place, wrong time energy.
Put your phone in a drawer and allow yourself to get fully immersed in this chaotic, horrifying fever dream.
It’s tense, claustrophobic, and gruesome. Take a page out my book and watch the next time you’ve run out of drugs and need to feel something.
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Slowest Burn: The Invitation (2015)
**Not to be confused with “The Invitation” of 2022**
A reunion of old friends at an intimate Los Angeles dinner becomes increasingly awkward for Will, whose grief and paranoia dampen the evening’s spirits — re: he’s not the guy you want to get paired with for charades.
This movie always ends up on my personal Best Of lists — it sticks to your ribs, you know?
The Invitation is like killing a frog by slowing raising the temperature of the water until it’s burning alive without ever realizing it. Each awkward moment, tense exchange, and second guess escalates your heart rate in tiny increments until the credits roll and you can finally stop holding your breath.
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Best For Families That Drive Camrys: Coraline (2009)
Through gorg stop-motion animation, Coraline tells the story of a young girl who discovers a parallel universe in her new home where everyone has buttons for eyes!
The button people are lowkey kind of hot. Who doesn’t love a femme fatale?
I’m not sure how many parents with children 8-12 read this newsletter — if I had to guess I would say 0. So feel free to pass along this rec to parents of tweens if they happen to be in your life.
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Most Advanced: Hereditary (2018)
Following the death of her mother, Annie must contend with the aftermath of their emotionally-fraught relationship, as well as an unwanted inheritance much more sinister than your typical vintage tea sets and dusty costume jewelry.
Stefan voice: This movie has everything — demonic possessions, family trauma, Toni Collette screaming, and more I can’t say to keep this spoiler-free.
I originally saw this at an AMC the summer I interned in New York, which meant I only had one friend in the city who happened to hate horror movies, but I still made him go with me! Which to this day is one of the most selfish things I’ve ever done. Anagh, you’re a real one!
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Just Plain Old Scary: Hush (2016)
A Deaf-mute horror author attempts to finish her latest novel in a remote, isolated cabin, when a masked serial killer arrives at her window.
I watched this last Halloween and it has everything you want from an edge-of-your-seat horror movie. What sets it apart is that there’s barely any dialogue, which makes it even more gripping because of the heightened tension that silence creates.
The scenario it presents is probably every person’s worst nightmare, and the reason I deadlock my door every night.
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Incredible tysm
I'm de facto adding the Saw franchise as best horror series for 14-year-olds who are too dorky to do drugs but still want to feel something
Love this list <3 Hush is also the reason I lock my doors and always let people (aka: my mom) know when I get home!