I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me
Whodunnit Streaming Recs, Melissa Joan Hart's "ex," & The Weeknd vs. Rolling Stone.
Happy Women’s History Month! As a radical act of feminism, you can share this newsletter with a friend to support #womeninmedia.
We have an inordinate amount of headlines to get through this week. I think Selena and Kylie’s eyebrow-lamination scandal may have thrown our collective chakras off their axis and now everyone is acting up.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Melissa Joan Hart chases clout once again. The last time we talked about Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina the Teenage Witch) was when her alleged feud with Lena Dunham came to light via DeuxMoi, which she was quick to jump all over for attention.
Now, she’s reminiscing about her teenage fling with Ryan Reynolds during their child actor years, who she says bought her a Bulova watch (you can basically get those at Sears) and visited her in New York to try to woo her away from her then-boyfriend, which she shut down.
This is all kind of feeling akin to when your Grandma is like, “Frank Sinatra winked at me once outside of Studio 54,” and you’re all, “I know Grams, you’ve told me 127 times.”
Keke Palmer had her baby! It’s a boy, and she named him Leodis, Leo for short. No notes, just letting you know.
The Weeknd feuds with Rolling Stone. Yesterday, Rolling Stone published an exposé (def worth reading) chronicling the chaotic decline of HBO’s new Sam Levinson series The Idol, which after several departures and rewrites, has devolved into eight-figure “torture porn.”
The show stars Lily-Rose Depp and The Weeknd, with The Weeknd tweeting “@Rollingstone did we upset you?” alongside an unreleased clip from the show where his character lambastes the “irrelevant” Rolling Stone name for 54 seconds. Tag yourself, I’m Dan Levy anxiously spinning it as a “heritage brand.”
Jon Hamm is off the market AGAIN. He’s engaged to “actress” Anna Osceola who he first met during the finale of Mad Men, when she had a bit part as a receptionist. Probably the highest ROI on a $500/day piece of extra work of all time.
Michael B. Jordan has the most awkward red carpet interaction. While promoting his directorial debut Creed III, MJB encountered a reporter he went to grade school with, who he immediately called out for calling him “corny” back in the day.
She says she never said it, but there are literal receipts from her podcast where she discusses how everyone teased him as a kid because he came to school with headshots. Which is objectively corny and dumb!
MJB was salty during the whole interview, and I’m kind of like — you’re you and she’s her. Once you ascend into A-List actor / People’s Sexiest Man Alive territory, you just have to let stuff like that go because otherwise, it’s embarrassing that you care. You’re gonna fly out of this premiere drinking Patron on the PJ, and the highlight of her day is going to be eating Halo Top alone in her studio apartment, so I think you can relax.
Travis Scott allegedly punched a sound engineer at an NYC club. He’s cooperating with authorities, but apparently caused $12,000 worth of damage at Nebula.
And speaking of Kylie’s exes, Jordyn Woods shades her former bestie. Amid eyebrowgeddon, she posted a Snapchat video applying Selena’s Rare Beauty lip liner, followed by a close-up shot of the product, ironically named “Kind Words.”
We’ll never get anything concrete from Jordyn due to an NDA crafted by Hades himself, but she can still get creative with sending us signals.
The Golden Age of Whodunnits?
Whodunnits are in their It Girl era right now!
If you’re on your Agatha Christie shit, I cooked up a list of newish mystery shows to stream, plus some underrated favorites from recent history that you might have missed.
Poker Face — (Peacock)
The broad strokes: Charlie (Natasha Lyonne) leads a humble blue-collar existence despite one extraordinary skill: she has an innate ability to tell when someone is lying.
Poker Face is an elevated procedural, with a case-of-the-week format that drops Charlie into a new environment with new characters each episode. It comes from director Rian Johnson, who we know and love from the Knives Out franchise.
Why it’s worth it: Whenever that icebreaker question of “what superpower would you want” comes up, I usually pick read minds, because that’s what ultimately would be most effective in navigating the world and getting what you want from it. Though obviously, it would also be a horrible experience that would probably drive you insane since you would learn so many awful things that people think about yourself and others.
But being able to tell if someone is lying is the perfect compromise. You know when to be wary of people and you have a huge advantage in all social situations, but you don’t have to get bogged down by everyone’s nasty inner monologues. If you’re a Natasha Lyonne fan, or even tolerator, give it a try.
You Season 4: Part One — (Netflix)
The broad strokes: After three seasons of killing sprees across the US, Joe Goldberg (Penn Badgley) finds himself in London, assuming the identity of Jonathan Moore, an English professor at an upper-crust university.
But this time, after years of stalking victims, he’s the one being watched. He needs to find out which of the one-percenter billionaire assholes he’s once again become frenemies with is trying to frame him for murder.
He has such a knack for ending up enmeshed with socialites — he and Anna Delvey should teach a course on how to attract wealth so you can marry rich (currently my greatest challenge in life).
Why it’s worth it: If you’ve been reluctant to pick this show back up because you were getting tired of the formula, definitely reconsider. I watched all five episodes back to back and had the best night.
Murdaugh Murders: A Southern Scandal — (Netflix)
The broad strokes: A brand new, three-episode doc outlines the Murdaugh family’s alleged history with violent crimes and cover-ups, starting with their teenage son’s horrific, Four Loko-fueled boating accident and ending with the father’s presumed murder of his wife and aforementioned child.
The trial for Alex Murdaugh is in its midst as we speak, so whether or not you’ve been following, this is some great companion material.
Why it’s worth it: I wish everything Netflix produced was the same quality as their documentaries. I was weirdly completely out of the loop with the Murdaughs, so watching this with literally no background on the case made for so many jaw-dropping moments.
It’s definitely more true crime than a carefree whodunnit, so if you have the stomach for that, go forth.
The Traitors — (Peacock)
The broad strokes: Did you think I’d make a list and not include a reality show?! The Traitors is adapted from a popular UK series by the same name, and it plops a mix of reality tv royalty and civilian contestants into a Scottish castle to play a high-stakes version of Mafia.
Why it’s worth it: I definitely gave this a few shout-outs in previous newsies, and I’m gonna do it again! This is a true whodunnit in its purest form, replete with the cozy trappings of fireplaces, courtyards, Alan Cumming’s many berets, and snappy one-liners.
The reunion show with Andy Cohen just came out and it’s been renewed for season 2, so jump on the train now!
Old & Underrated: Search Party — (HBO Max)
The broad strokes: Dory (Alia Shawkat), a listless post-grad, finds (and desperately clings to) a purpose in life when she learns that her college acquaintance Chantal has gone missing. She ropes in her unctuous boyfriend and vapid best friends on an amateur detective mission to find her.
From there, the story spirals in a million different directions, with each season taking on a completely different genre as the stakes get higher and higher while maintaining the same absurdist comedic tone.
Why it’s worth it: I loved this show, but I always had to be in such a specific mood to watch it. It’s usually a Sunday, mid-morning when I know I’ll have multiple hours to devote to it, and I can’t be happy or sad, I have to be sort of chaotic-neutral.
It’s kind of like if Girls was a murder mystery — it skewers Williamsburg hipsters and toxic friend groups, but because of its genius and subversive story building, it never gets tired or stale.
Old & Underrated: The Flight Attendant (HBO Max)
The broad strokes: Cassie (Kaley Coco-Coco, as Jennifer Coolidge would say) is the titular flight attendant who wakes up next to a dead body after a one-night stand in Bangkok.
When she gets back to New York, she has to try to piece together what happened to avoid being implicated in his murder.
Why it’s worth it: This show is perfectly paced and I have a somewhat fond memory of watching the entire thing on News Year’s Eve in 2020 when I was alone in my apartment drinking a sad espresso martini.
Plus, if you already watched the first season and then forget about it, the second season is so good too!
Bonus: Stolen Youth: Inside the Cult at Sarah Lawrence (Hulu)
The broad strokes: NOT a whodunnit, it is a very clear hedidthat. This is a documentary retelling of the Sarah Lawrence cult story, first exposed by New York Magazine a few years back.
It starts with a college student’s father ingratiating himself with her roommates when he crashes with them following his prison release, and he quickly takes over their lives and minds.
Why it’s worth it: This is the most gripping documentary I’ve seen in a long time — it’s way more in-depth and nuanced than a typical 2020 special or a Discovery production (no shade, just setting the tone).
Similarly to The Vow, HBO’s NXVIM doc, there’s a ton of archived footage and tapes from inside the cult that gives you a clear image of the hysteria happening behind closed doors.
Plus, almost everyone involved agreed to be interviewed, including two women currently still part of the cult at the time of filming.
2023 Predictions Update!
We have another winner, people! As a refresher, in late 2022 my Gauche Goblins and I put out a list of predictions for the coming year.
Julia climbed down from the ivy towers of Columbia to slum it with the low-brow lords, and good thing she did because she was nearly spot on.
She predicted a return of Vera Bradley, specifically with a collaboration with Baggu. And what marketing email did she receive today? Baggu is collabing with the very much adjacent brand, Laura Ashley.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Mission: Impossible 3 — I’m on a MISSION to watch all of these before the 7th one comes out this summer.
Reading: “The Peltz-Beckham Wedding Drama, Explained” (The Cut) — This might deserve its own miniseries lol.
Listening: Renee Rapp on Call Her Daddy — sometimes the guests suck me in, what can I say?!
Poker Face is so fun. I've been LOVING it.
I love Renee Rapp so thank you very much for the podcast rec! Also I was surprised not to see the rumors about Adele being engaged in this article ?! Not one hundo confirmed so there's that