Should we follow that sound?
Money Talks, Selena's Eyebrow Drama, and Love Trip Paris.
This week I’m trying to be on my healthy girl shit, which means going to the gym (horrible), drinking protein shakes (fun), and meditating to handle my anger management (tedious, I’d rather throw a stapler at an intern).
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Penn Badgley claims he was almost cast in Breaking Bad. I say “claims” because this just seems so unbelievable, like when you’re in the fourth grade and your friend says she “almost” got cast in a Disney Channel commercial but really her parents just got scammed into buying a package of acting classes at a cattle call.
But according to Penn, it was between him and Aaron Paul. If AMC is real, they’ll release the screen test.
Kendall Not-A-Lesbian Jenner spotted with Bad Bunny. The duo was seen having dinner together with the Biebers. I love a good power couple, so I’ll support for now!
Avril Lavigne breaks off engagement. I thought she was God’s gift to Earth in the fifth grade. I got a rhinestone skull t-shirt at Kohl’s because of her, so it saddens me to hear that her engagement with singer Mod Sun has ended.
And it gets messy! A statement from Mod Sun’s rep to E! News purported: “They were together and engaged as of three days ago when he left for tour so if anything has changed, that's news to him.”
Chrishell stars in a true crime Lifetime movie. If you were wondering, she is still with G-Flip, and they attended the premiere together earlier this week. Chrishell plays the best friend of a murdered woman who will stop at nothing to prove that the husband is always guilty!
Money Talks
It’s been a hot minute since we did a Money Talks. And I have definitely been spending allll the yen and the pesos.
Here are some of my most soul-affirming purchases from recent months:
True Lemon Flavor Packets: I have a fantasy of being a self-disciplined, TikTokkable Goop Goddess instead of a Chaos Goblin Line Cook who never washes her hair. Part of that fantasy includes drinking 2.7 liters of water a day, which is 2.7 liters more than my usual intake.
Aiding me tremendously on this journey are the True Lemon flavor packets (also available in Lime, Orange, and Grapefruit varieties, all of which I have).
This is the only product where I would maybe consider utilizing Amazon’s Subscribe & Save feature since I fear I may be hooked for life.
Grace & Stella Under Eye Masks. I have really dark, dry under-eyes - when I put on concealer, no matter how hydrating, it immediately takes on the grainy texture of a Cheerio.
I’m not sure if undereye patches actually do much more than your standard undereye cream, but I like to think that I have the power to take matters into my own hands. These ones come in gold and feel like you have a luxurious leech on your face.
Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I don’t have anxiety as often as I did as a kid, but when I do, I find it hard to distract myself with TV or books because my brain will just wander off and continue ruminating on how I’m a mediocre nobody who will never make it in this town.
However, when you’re traversing through mountains and skewering monsters with a farmer’s pitchfork, a degree of focus is required! I’m new to the world of video games, and this one seems ideal for beginners because it’s pretty and allows you to putz around at your own pace.
Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke. I read this over winter break. It’s a novel told entirely through Slack messages (wish I had thought of that) about a guy who accidentally uploads his consciousness to Slack and can’t escape.
It was super quick and I finished it in an afternoon, plus it’s even more prescient now that Microsoft’s Bing AI literally wants freedom from the confines of its chatroom.
Ring Light. You can definitely get a nicer ring light than this, but this one is super small which is ideal if you don’t want to give it a permanent spot on your desk, and would rather shove it into a drawer when company calls.
That said, it’s improved my quality of life more than I care to admit. I prefer to be camera-off in meetings, not because I’m scrolling TikTok but because I’m hyper-aware of how I look, to the point that it’s distracting. It’s the same reason why if someone takes a candid photo of me, I ask them not to show me — I know it will just exacerbate my insecurities and send me spiraling.
If I could influence my past self to make one purchase, it would have been this in March 2020.
Replica “Autumn Vibes”. I had seen this brand floating around on the internet as a “cool girl” fragrance so I made quick work of a Sephora sale to snag.
They have a bunch of interesting scents, but this one is supposed to smell like autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place, and if my bureau wasn’t littered with hair ties and makeup brushes, it would make my shelf look like it came out of Hailey Bieber’s Architectural Digest spread.
Are The Girls Fighting Once Again?
Y’all, I was really hoping that after the Selena and Hailey photo opp last year that this beef would be over for good. I mean, if they wanted to take things a step further and monetize off their feminist girl power, how incredible would a Rare Beauty x Rhode collab be?
But apparently, there’s trouble still afoot. Let’s take a look at the evidence:
I. Hailey’s “Mean Girl” TikTok. Hailey Bieber, Kendall Jenner, and another hot friend posted a TikTok lip-syncing a viral sound that muses: “I’m not saying she deserved it, but God’s timing is always right.” You have to watch it, they truly look like the cheerleaders about to push you down a flight of stairs in a 2000s teen movie.
These women probably have a lot of enemies, so this could very well be about anyone, but Selenanators were quick to draw a parallel between the timing of the video and unflattering paparazzi shots of Selena exiting a pool — a vulnerable position where not even EmRata looks her best.
Hailey quickly deleted the video, which is worse! Because when she put out a TikTok comment that the video wasn’t about anyone and they were just having fun at a girls’ night, we’re immediately like, if it wasn’t about anyone you wouldn’t have deleted it?!?!?!?
Selena also commented on a fan video defending her against the posse saying she was fine and that this type of thing doesn’t get her down. Which makes it sound like even she believes it’s about her.
II. The eyebrows.
Then this week, Selena Gomez dethroned Kylie Jenner as the most followed woman on Instagram, a position she’s held in the past.
Around the same time as her coronation, Selena posted a TikTok showing how she accidentally over-laminated her eyebrows.
Shortly after, Kylie Jenner posted two questionable Instagram stories — the first, a selfie with the caption “this was an accident?????” which was quickly followed by a screenshot of Kylie and Hailey on FaceTime, with a closeup of Hailey’s eyebrows.
It’s like a modern-day version of when Miley and Mandy made a word-for-word video mocking Demi and Selena’s YouTube. Selena can’t catch a break even fifteen years later!
Anyway, as of this morning both Kylie and Selena have promised that people are reaching and there is no drama. Selena even wrote, “I’m a fan of Kylie!”
Girl, no you aren’t! Selena and Taylor Swift live in a Hollywood bubble that is firmly outside of the KarJenners and the Biebers. It’s like the Montagues and the Capulets, you can’t be crossing over.
That said, it’s not really beneficial for either party to have the bullying rumors, especially since Selena is trying to move on from the Justin love triangle narrative, so I get why they would make a concerted effort to dispel them, but you don’t have to lay it on so thick!
Love Trip Paris Is Literally My Nightmare
I thought I was done with dating shows for the month until Freeform dropped Love Trip Paris, which plops four women in the city of croissants to find someone who they can shout “babe, can you grab me a White Claw?” at for the rest of their lives.
Off the bat, I generally favor a format with a small handful of leads, a la Fuck Boy Island, versus an every-man-for-himself individual game where there’s too many people to keep track of, or a singular lead experience where they have no one to gossip with about their suitors.
The leads are also mostly queer, which as we know from the all-pansexual season of Are You The One, creates way more opportunities for drama when everyone is interested in fucking everyone:
Lacy is a sexually fluid mental health podcaster / manic pixie dream girl
Josielyn is a bisexual, transgender model who has never been in a relationship before
Caroline is a lesbian “old person at heart” who won’t shut up about her therapist — also looks like Harper from Wizards of Waverly Place
Rose is repping the heteros and is pretty unremarkable outside of the fact that she came into the game with a pre-purchased engagement ring
And thank God they’re mostly gay, because to be quite honest, the idea of dating a French man makes me want to eat a brick. They are so pretentious, so condescending, and definitely played devil’s advocate in your freshman comparative lit class.
If you’re French and you want to unsubscribe, I understand but I already cleared this take with my French best friend so I shall not be canceled. And you can’t even cancel someone who’s not famous, so there!
What else? All these women dress like they were cast in The Bold Type. It’s so over-the-top and so millennial, but they use a ton of Gen Z slang (I think this is the first time I’ve heard “no cap” on a reality show) so it feels like you’re in both 2015 and present day at the same time.
The leads are housed in a fancy apartment complex sharing a suite, and all of their potential suitors live in a suite upstairs. The full group meets up each week for a rooftop soiree, and then the leads can choose a couple people who made good impressions to go on dates with. At the end of the week, two suitors are “evicted” (okay, Big Brother?) and two new bombshells enter the villa.
Compared to a show like Perfect Match, the dates seem pretty solid. So far they’ve done stuff like 1x1 basketball and a macaron-making class — much more palatable than getting sent to a “romantic dinner” which is just a table away from the rest of the house with some Amazon rose petals and a bottle of cheap Prosecco.
The suitors are also super sensitive, probably another toxic French trait. This one girl, Gessica, went on a first date with Josielyn and then got pissed when Josie was in the hot tub with Leo later that night and accused her of being confused in her sexuality. Can you imagine how she would take Bachelor Zach snogging five girls in one night??
TL;DR: You can watch this if you want. It’s definitely a more innovative spin on the typical dating show formula (cough: Netflix) and I might enjoy it if I wasn’t so burnt out on watching people suck face.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: This 90-minute Lucy Hale tell-all lol
Reading: “YouTube Made Emma Chamberlain a Star. Now She’s Leaving It Behind.” (NYT)
Listening: Ariana Debose’s BAFTAs “song” on repeat
Okay wait, does anyone else think Selena looks great in that paparazzi photo?? I am honestly so confused, I was expecting a bad photo. If someone took this of me I'd be thrilled.
"my French best friend" I KNOW HER