You're nobody until you're talked about
I have to admit, I only watched the first half of the 3-hour Bachelorette finale. Which one could argue is a feat in itself! Once Rachel and Tino disintegrated, I didn’t really care to watch Gabby and her blackface-donning fiancee gush about their love story.
My quick takes:
Rachel and Tino are two equally calculated and manipulative people who were both hyper-aware of using and not using the cameras to craft the best PR narrative for themselves.
Runner-up Aven is way too good for Rachel and should not have crawled back to her, despite how fun it was to see Tino awkwardly stand there while his ex-fiancee was whisked away by a hotter, more likeable guy on live TV — made even worse by the excruciatingly long time it took for host Jesse Palmer to read through the “when we come back” cue cards, before Tino was allowed to scamper off the stage like a raccoon caught in the trash bin.
Anyway, I promised my pals that I would include this selfie of us with Greg from Katie’s season at Pier 66, even though I’m the least attractive person in the photo by far. I had no idea who he was since I couldn’t stand Katie, but Alyssa expertly identified him from the back of his head and charmingly requested a pic, which I think he secretly was flattered by.
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
On Friday, Netflix dropped Do Revenge with Camila Mendes and Maya Hawke (now more famous to me than Ethan Hawke, real ones know the lore) and it very much delivered!
I didn’t encounter a ton of promotion for it ahead of time (maybe there was and I just didn’t see), which sort of made me think that Netflix didn’t know if it was going to be good, they were just kinda like, we’ll see! And now the TikTokkers are calling it the modern day Messiah of campy teen movies.
The logline: After getting ostracized from her prep school clique following a saucy leaked video, former HBIC Drea (Mendes) teams up with new student Eleanor (Hawke) to carry out each other’s revenge plots undetected.
What else?
The film plops us into the pastel world of teenage one percenters who, growing up in the 2020s, are highly aware of how they’re perceived, not only by each other, but by society at large.
In Mean Girls, when Damien describes The Plastics, he jokes that “if North Shore were Us Weekly, they’d always be on the cover.” For the students in Do Revenge, that isn’t an exaggeration — in the opening sequence, we see that Queen Bee Drea is featured in a Teen Vogue video shoot for some “young women to watch” series, proving that legitimate PR opps aren’t metaphorical in this universe.
In concert, much of the plot hinges on the careful curation of a public persona – not just on an Instagram feed, but building a noteworthy personal brand before you’re even old enough to see an R-rated movie in theaters. And for these rich kids, it means calculated attacks and counter attacks, social justice as guerrilla warfare, and unfettered access to their parents’ attorneys and strategists to help them always maintain control of their narrative.
It’s over the top and hyperbolic, but still reflective of the pressure that teens face today. I remember when I was in high school, the biggest admonition you’d get from adults was to make sure there were no pictures of you ripping bong on your Facebook page, because college admissions officers were “known to check your profile.” And for the generation prior, it was was probably as simple as not having a criminal record?
Despite its modern relevance, Do Revenge equally plays into nostalgia, referencing its teen movie forefathers like Heathers and Cruel Intentions. It’s playfully self-aware of its use of tropes, from the classic new student clique tour, to the obsession with Yale, to the “problematic” makeover sequence in which crunchy granola Eleanor is instructed that her new vibe is “high-status c*nt.”
Commentary on race, privilege, and sexuality is woven in organically, and actually feels natural for once — so often these Gen Z shows and movies seem like they were made in a factory: 1 Quirky Lesbian + 1 Androgynous Guy with Neon Hair = WOKE. And then you can almost feel the creators patting themselves on the back for it, like wow, we really have our finger on the pulse of this generation.
Some Lingering Questions:
Wait, Maya Hawke isn’t gay in real life?!
If Netflix is drowning in debt, how did they afford this soundtrack?
Is Teen Vogue cool again?
You should watch if you liked: A Simple Favor, Thoroughbreds, The Politician
Closing Thoughts: There’s twists and turns that prevent things from becoming formulaic, the costumes are adorable, and Sophie Turner makes a ridiculous cameo. What more could you want?
★★★★☆
Villain Edit
Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.
Six foot tall, came without a warning?? So I had to shoot him dead?!?!??!
So much for confronting your lover’s side piece. Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine is in the midst of a hurricane of shit after his marital indiscretions were exposed by a couple of TikTok thotties.
To back up, when he wasn’t spinning his chair around like a Bond villain on The Voice, Adam was busy as the father of two children with his wife, Behati Prinsloo, who is a literal Victoria’s Secret model. It was announced just weeks ago that the couple is expecting their third child together.
The scandal: On Monday, mid-tier influencer Sumner Stroh (23) went to TikTok with DMs from Adam, who wrote to her, “OK, serious question. I’m having another baby and if it’s [a] boy I really wanna name it Sumner. You OK with that? DEAD serious.”
Sumner claimed that she had a year-long fling with Adam (who’s discography she likens to elevator music), and that she was only coming forward publicly because a frenemy was attempting to sell her DMs to tabloids (conveniently, she’s also propelling herself from the “marketing manager” of her sister’s no-name jewelry business to a temporarily known entity.)
She apologized to Behati in a statement for her role in the affair, claiming that she was “new to LA” and thought that their marriage was ending. . .but we know she was relishing in calling out the fact that this 43-year-old B-List celebrity thought she was hotter than his Victoria’s Secret model wife. If you’re banging and 21, why else would you want to f*ck an “elevator music” connoisseur if not for the clout? Just get on Raya and hook up with Zach Bia or something, idk??
The rebuttal: Adam and his team reacted quickly. He claims that he Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman:
“I did not have an affair, nevertheless, I crossed the line during a regrettable period of my life. I have addressed that and taken proactive steps to remedy this with my family.
To this, Sumner responded, “Someone get this man a dictionary.”
Crossing a line is like, telling your sister-in-law her apple crumble was delicious one too many times at the family potluck. Not as a 40+ married man telling a random twenty-year-old on Instagram that she’s hot AF and you want to name your unborn child after her. . .because it’s totally chill to name your child after people you think have nice boobs?!
Triple trouble: After Sumner’s viral video, three more women came forward with equally sus DMs from Adam, saying shit like “that body of yours is absurd.” So the line was crossed many times.
In conclusion: All of this is unfortunately giving Anthony Weiner: Sext Addict. And as we now know, his ex-wife Huma Abedin is now linked to the way sexier and cooler Bradley Cooper. All this to say, Behati might be pissed right now, but if she plays her cards right she could dodge a bullet and level up to an Oscar nominee or a foreign diplomat.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
JoJo Siwatch! The Real Lesbians of TikTok saga just took another turn — four months after breaking up with Kylie Prew (who?), JoJo Siwa confirmed romance with Avery Cyrus (no relation to Miley) who also just called it quits with her ex-GF Soph Mosc. Combined, these people have like 52M TikTok followers, and they’re all under the age of 23, so more drama is sure to abound.
The FDA is responding to a meme about cooking chicken in Nyquil, saying that - wait for it - you should not do it. According to TechCrunch, “sleepy chicken” is a “cursed meme” that dates back to 2017 4chan boards, recently resurfacing on TikTok. Next up, let’s see a recipe for Vicks VapoRub Jell-O shots.
You can learn a lot from your exes — communication, compromise, basic hygiene. . .Brad Pitt is crediting GoopMother and ex-GF Gwyneth Paltrow with teaching him to wash his face on the reg, which he shared in promotion of his new genderless skincare line, Le Domaine. You’ve got a lot of moxie charging $385 for a serum, especially when you admit to Allure that you’ve never heard of a Gua Sha.
Sliving Queen Paris Hilton is searching for her lost Chihuahua, Diamond Baby. She’s enlisted a pet detective, a dog whisperer, and a pet psychic to help her — which honestly sounds like the cast of a decently watchable Discovery+ show.
This is old news since it came out just after publication last Thursday, but ICYMI, Trisha Paytas, who I had to actively mute on TikTok, just gave birth to her first daughter, and she’s giving Paris a run for her money, naming the bebe Malibu Barbie.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: Don’t Worry Darling — I just feel like we’ve been through so much already (the waters got even muddier on Colbert last night), I have to see this through for closure. My roommate Nor said “that’s what they want you to do,” as if I’m a sucker for buying into their bullshit, but I’m kind of like, you can have my $17. I will get a frosé at Nitehawk and acknowledge that I was manipulated into seeing a bad movie.
Eating: I’m finally going to go to Emily in BK. . .if I get the $31 burger is to be seen.
Reading: The Fall Fearless Flyer (Trader Joe’s) — nothing gets you in the autumnal spirit faster than a catalog of Trader Joe’s culinary monstrosities like maple baked potato stuffed croissants with pumpkin marshmallow drizzle.
Sound On!
Hit me with your best thot.
Pop culture is more fun with friends. I want to know:
What song would you want to play in the opening credits of a teen movie about your life?
If you were a celebrity, what would you name your baby?
What are your top three desert island Trader Joes’ items?
1. Dreams by The Cranberries
2. Taffeta
3. Veggie gyoza, fried ravioli, bambas!!!
My main thought about the whole Adam Levine drama is just how d u m b celebrities who have affairs are. You're in Maroon 5! People are going to find out you're having an affair!