Unanswered Questions from LiLo's 'Irish Wish'
Plus Ari's divorce, Meghan's jam, and the podcast no one asked for.
Meghan Markle to launch a jam company. This is old news, but since I was talking to friends (and forced Uncultured subscribers) on Saturday who didn’t know what Scandoval was or what “reply guy” meant, I’ll tell you anyway!
American Riviera Orchard, which Vulture roasted to smithereens in this post that absolutely made my weekend, will sell a variety of home goods and, most notably, jams and marmalade.
I need a business expert to weigh in: is this an indication that the family is so broke that they’re hoping this is the next Goop so they can continue paying their 27 security guards, or is it proof that they’re actually doing fine, and Meghan is just leaning really hard into Tradwife TikTok?
And speaking of poors, Ariana Grande pays ex-husb $2 in divorce. We stan a woman with a prenup! After their three-year “situationship,” Ariana has settled with “real estate agent” Dalton Gomez for a one-time payment of $1.2M, with no future alimony. The man will need a job, is Selling Sunset casting??
Christine Quinn’s husband gets arrested in his bathrobe. According to police reports, he threw a bag containing a glass bottle at Christine during a fight, but missed and hit their kid.
Dylan Mulvaney drops the worst single since Meghan Trainor’s ‘Mother’. Listen, not everyone has to go into music! Can people just be happy with being famous? TikTokker Dylan Mulvaney wrote a song inspired by her Uber-popular “days of girlhood series” that she created when she first began transitioning.
The song lists every day of the week with a corresponding girlish activity, such as “playing wingman to our twinks” and breaking down in the bath to the Twilight soundtrack.
It’s this genre of song that is trying to manufacture camp and virality in the worst way. She said her comp was Friday by Rebecca Black, but Friday only reached ironic cult status after Rebecca was eaten alive by a pit of those tiny fire ants. So maybe she’ll get her wish in 3-5 years.
Caitlyn and Lamar start a podcast together . For someone who claims to hate the Kardashians so much, Caitlyn (a Trumper who hates other trans people) will truly use any lingering association with them to cash a check. Her new podcast with Khloe’s ex-husband Lamar Odom (famously found almost dead in a brothel) is titled “Keeping Up with Sports.”
I always rant about the dangers of celebs letting their guard down on pods, and I just know we are going to get so many disturbing soundbites from these two on the reg. Can’t wait to hear Caitlyn’s unfiltered thoughts on how Bluey makes kids gay.
8 Questions I’m Left with Post ‘Irish Wish’
In a dazzlingly trite followup to last year’s Falling For Christmas, “romcom” Irish Wish fulfills Lindsay Lohan’s obligations to Netflix as part of her low-stakes return to the film industry.
Instantly reaching #1 on the Netflix charts over the weekend, Irish Wish — which aptly bought its green screens from Wish.com — is so cheaply made that I worried my new Samsung TV didn’t have enough pixels/8Ks/LEDs/LGBTs.
The film, which tells the story of a book editor in love with her star author, only for him to marry her best friend, unfolds exactly as expected, but that didn’t stop me from having a LOT of questions after the fade to black:
How did Paul’s publicist convince paparazzi to wait outside a book party? Sure, Nicholas Sparks sells a lot of books, but he’s not getting accosted on a shoddy step-and-repeat by hoards of photographers eager to give the nation their juicy fix. Because of Paul’s outsized ego, they were probably hired to placate him by one of those companies that has fake photographers pretend rich New Jersey girls are famous during their 16th birthday parties at Catch.
Why is Maddie’s mom buying toilet paper online? As the principal of a high school, why is she the one in charge of ordering toilet paper? Is she one of those bosses that makes a grand showing of “taking things off your plate” with a “no task is too small” attitude, except then doesn’t know how to use Google Docs and ends up making everything worse, but you still have to pretend that she was so thoughtful and gracious?
Where did Heather go to art school? Her cover “art” looks like they threw Jonathan Franzen’s Freedom cover into an AI machine with the instructions “make this look slightly different and also worse,” like when you copy your friends’ World History homework in the bathroom before class.
Why does Maddie only refer to Paul by his first and last name? I get it maybe the first time, in a, “holy shit, I’m marrying Paul Kennedy,” type of way, but again, he’s not Bradley Cooper, it’s not namedroppy if you just call him Paul.
What is Maddie’s favorite James Joyce work? I’m not saying hot girls can’t like James Joyce, but let’s be real, Maddie is not dreamily flipping through the dog-eared pages of Finnegan’s Wake. She’s a basic Jane Austen girl, and even then, she’d rather just watch the Kiera Knightley movie.
Why didn’t Maddie at least take the D for a test drive? She's allegedly been thirsting after Paul for years, but once they’re sleeping the same bed, she literally punches him in the face when he tries to cuddle. Waste of a fantasy suite.
Why is St. Brigid so intent on preventing Maddie’s mom from attending the wedding? My generous guess is because as a mischievous imp, St. Brigid wants to maximize Maddie’s peril and force her to figure out what she wants for herself, rather than turning to the guiding light of M-O-M. My cynical guess is that they couldn’t afford a big monologue from Jane Seymour.
What will Maddie’s debut novel actually be about? Once Maddie’s reality has been restored, she abuses her power to manipulate hottie photographer James, pretending to have massive interest in the endangered Bolivian Tree Lizard, in the hopes that he will ask her to go study it with him. When it turns out he is no longer making that expedition, she quickly pivots, explaining that her novel is about the Cliffs of Moher. Will the book include the cliffs and the lizard to cover up her initial lie? Working title: Moher Tree Lizards, Please!
Watching: Quiet On Set: The Dark Side of Kids’ TV (Max)
Drinking: Strawberry Vanilla Olipop (new fave flav)
Reading: “Why New York Restaurants are Going Members-Only” (The New Yorker)
"stay gold ponyboy" lmao