That is such a slutbag thing to do
Chrishell & G Flip, Bathroom Sex, and Pete Davidson's "Bupkis"
Dog owners out there — would you ever feed your dog hot dogs slathered in peanut butter (frozen)? Asking because this literally happened in my household yesterday.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Chrishell and G Flip are married!! Selling Sunset’s number one boy and the Australian DJ tied the knot after a year of dating. Seems fast, but when you know you know, especially when you spent years married to a This is Us actor just to learn after he divorces you on TMZ that you’re a late-in-life lesbian.
Speaking of Aussies, an Aussie woman survived for five days in the wilderness. The 48-year-old made a wrong turn and found herself stranded in a dense stretch of forest when her car got stuck in the mud. Her only rations were a bottle of wine (she’s not a drinker) and “lollies” (iconic) which kept her sustained before a rescue helicopter finally located her.
Rihanna & ASAP’s baby name revealed. According to The Daily Mail, which obtained their kid’s birth certificate, their son is named RZA, a nod to the Wu-Tang Clan rapper.
Robert De Niro gives Nick Cannon a run for his money. At 79, he welcomed his seventh child — his previous six are split between three different women, and the mother of the newest addition has yet to be shared.
Diana Agron responds to Taylor Swift dating rumors. Years after the Gaylor propaganda that Taylor Swift and Quinn from Glee had a secret relationship, Diana denied the rumors when they came up in her new Rolling Stone interview. And no one would’ve known she even had a Rolling Stone interview if she hadn’t.
Meanwhile, the Matty Healy stuff is starting to look more and more true?
Chris Brown and Usher fight at the roller rink. Is this a Stranger Things episode, or a real encounter between adult men in 2023? After Usher stepped up to defend Teyana Taylor during a disagreement with Chris Brown at Chris’s roller rink birthday party in Vegas, the boys took things outside, where Usher left with a bloody nose. Then Usher’s mom called Chris’s mom and they arranged another playdate for the kids to patch things up.
JoJo Siwa Laments Hotel Sex, Wishes She Could Bathroom Bone
I feel like podcasts are like celebrity truth serum. Despite being fully media trained and aware of how soundbites are made, put a celeb on a pod and they’re somehow deluded into believing it’s really just them and the host bro-ing down — last week we talked about how Meghan Trainor appeared on multiple pods discussing the challenge of receiving her husband’s girthy pecker, and now JoJo Siwa is getting in on the dialogue to chat about her sexual exploits and lack thereof.
Here’s a thought: From now on, instead of putting murder suspects in interrogation rooms, we should just have them record an episode of Call Her Daddy.
Anyway, the 19-year-old former chid star appeared on the We’re Having Gay Sex podcast, where she discussed how she’s only ever had sex in the privacy of her own room, or a hotel room, because her life as public figure means public boning is off the table.
When I was in high school and watched the pilot of Laguna Beach where they have the Black & White party in a random hotel suite, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world — I was like damn, these rich teens are so adult dancing to Pitbull in that tiny living area next to the bedroom.
In other words, getting to have sex at the Four Seasons is probably every high schooler’s dream scenario, but JoJo feels she’s been slighted: her lack of more traditional teen dating experiences make her feel like “an eighth grader in love land” since she’s never had the luxury of hooking up in a “bathroom stall” like a normal kid.
As an investigative journalist, I decided to do some research to determine if public bathroom tomfoolery was actually as common of a menu item as JoJo believes, or if it was more of a banana pudding situation — you see it at diners from time to time, but it’s far from a guarantee.
Once again, I took to my trusty close friends Instagram to gather some highly scientific data.
As you can see, the real winner is the old standby, the basement. Degrassi is playing quietly on the TV, rum and coke is in your solo cup, it’s 8:45 and your curfew isn’t till 11 — the night is young.
Also topping the charts is the car, a popular option as kids are given the keys to a slice of indepdence. “Car!! In the church parking lot,” one friend disclosed. “When they said ‘leave room for Jesus,’ I took that very literally.”
While horny teens will probably find any way to get the job done, only one respondent copped to having bathrooms in their rotation — “it was at the top of the clock tower in the Boston skyline,” they revealed, wistfully.
So, is JoJo Siwa missing out on all that much? Maybe the thrill of potentially getting chased out of an abandoned warehouse parking lot or the anxiety of hearing your parents’ car pull into the driveway from the living room couch, but hindsight 20/20, she and her Hilton rewards points are at a net W. My only wish for her is that she one day gets invited to the Illuminati Club 33 private sex parties at Disney, which would be the ultimate JoJo Siwa sex arc.
Quick Thoughts on Bupkis, a Middle Class Man’s Entourage
New to Peacock this month is Bupkis, the semi-autobiographical sitcom from everyone’s favorite chaos goblin line cook, Pete Davidson. Unlike his three-hour feature film King of Staten Island, which reimagined his coming-of-age story, Bupkis is created around present day 29-year-old Pete in the same life stage he’s in now.
While the circumstances and scenarios are exaggerated for effect, the themes of family, fame, mental health, and substance abuse probably ring true to his real life experiences.
What else: When the pilot opens with Pete using a VR headset to watch porn in his basement, and then inadvertently finishing on his mom's sweater when she comes downstairs to check on him, I was like, how is this show causally sitting next to docile NBC touchstones like Superstore and Parks and Rec?
It was so blatantly aiming to shock its audience with an over-the-top raunch factor that I assumed the rest of the episodes would follow suit in some sort of a Jackass meets Entourage style bro comedy.
So then, imagine my surprise when the entirety of the slow-burning episode two focuses on young Pete developing a bond with his uncle at a wedding weeks after his father died during 9/11. It was a hard pivot — what am I supposed to believe?!
In one scene Pete physically facilitates sex between his grandfather’s elderly friend with a bad hip and a charming hooker (why is this the second time we’ve seen something to this effect on screen in two months), the next is wholesome cop show banter with his mom as they conduct an amateur stakeout, and the next is a Fast & Furious inspired car chase led by a wannabe Miami Uncut Gems jabroni named Crispy.
As a viewer, it’s disorienting getting tossed between these wildly different versions of Pete, but it’s likely an intentional tactic to showcase the breadth of personas he’s required to take on during any given day: son, celebrity, lover boy, delinquent.
I won’t hold that choice against the overall watch quality, and it is a pleasant watch — Pete Davidson's obviously a charismatic guy, and with Edie Falco and Joe Pesci the cast is stacked — but at five episodes deep, I still don’t feel like we’re unearthing anything new that we haven’t heard from Pete before.
With this caliber of budget and creative control, the hope would be an unassailable triumph that challenges our preconceived notions and provides at least a solid nine minutes of first date small talk fodder.
But luckily for rich white guys, there’s usually a season two.
★★★☆☆
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Silo (AppleTV+) — This is supposed to be amazing prestige sci-fi which is arguably not my brand but I’m going to try anyway.
Listening: I thought my Armch*ir Exp*rt days were squarely behind me, but then they booked Nicholas Braun.
Reading: “Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan Chat ‘Freaky Friday’ at 20” (NYT)
