My family would want me to be at the Blink 182 show
Submarine Stepson, Thoughts on Yogurt, and Kravis Baby Name Predictions
I need to take this time to warn everyone against :ratio yogurt. I was very drawn to it because it has 25g of protein, and I’m currently on a macros journey. Obviously it was too good to be true — it literally tastes like eating NyQuil.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Submarine Stepson feuds with Cardi B. If you have a single working eye or ear, you heard about the lost Titanic tour submarine whose five passengers ran out of oxygen earlier this morning. What you may not have heard of, if you don’t spend your free time in the sewers of the internet, is the stepson of one of the passengers getting into a squabble with Cardi B.
The stepson received mixed reactions from the public after revealing that he unabashedly attended a Blink 182 concert in San Diego while the search for his stepfather was grim and ongoing. (He also took the time to quote retweet an OnlyFans model’s thirst trap).
Cardi decided it was her place to tell off the stepson, calling him a clout chaser and spoiled brat billionaire. He of course took this opportunity to use the fact that a huge celebrity was interacting with him to chase additional clout. Funny how the world works!
It’s 9021-Over! Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott break up. After 18 years together and 5 shared children, the couple is calling it quits, proving once again that monogamy is a sham.
Kevin Costner’s estranged wife has some lofty demands. She’s asking for $248,000 a month in child support to “maintain the children in their accustomed lifestyle.” And that’s not even counting private school tuition, extracurriculars, health insurance, etc. It’s literally so each kid has around 83 grand a month to do normal teen things, like buy a person.
Caroline Calloway finally publishes her book. After infamously squandering her memoir advance with no pages to show for it, then asking fans to “pre-order” a book that wouldn’t be published for three years, the chaos queen is finally sending out copies of her book Scammer, straight from the Florida old person home where she resides.
Notably, her former friend / current nemesis Natalie Beach, who brought them both a ton of clout pre-pan with her viral tell-all in The Cut, also published her own book of essays on Tuesday. I choose to believe that Caroline’s hater was her biggest motivator in finally getting her own book written, so she could steal all of Natalie’s thunder in an iconic bad bitch move.
Bebe Rexha gets hit in the face with a phone. A crazed fan “thought it would be funny” to hurl his phone at the singer during one of her concerts on Sunday night. This is what happens when children are raised on memes!
Elon Musk wants to cage fight Mark Zuckerberg. He tweeted that he wanted to duel, and Zuck told him to name the venue. I think they should just arm wrestle and whoever loses has to donate a billion dollars to charity, or to me personally.
In honor of And Just Like That. . . season 2, premiering on Max today, I drafted fake Hinge bios for all 24 of Carrie’s exes. They’re overly competitive about everything, and they’ll fall for you if you trip them.
Baby Kravis Will Have the Most Alt Name of All Time
Earlier this week I got to put on my Pooshiest hat and impersonate Kourtney Kardashian Barker for Betches.
As disinterested as I am in babies on the whole (except for yours, Devin) I absolutely love predicting baby names. It completely distills how the parent views the world, fancies themself, and wishes to be perceived. So my parents, who chose Emma, the most popular name of my birth year and several subsequent years, they must have been going for unassuming and under the radar.
I truly think Kourtney will go crazy with this name because it’s probs her last kid, and her love bubble with Trav is clouding her judgement. If you have more chaotic ideas, the comments and my DMs are always open to your brilliance.
++++
If you’re still recovering from the news that Kourtney Kardashian Barker is pregnant with Baby Kravis, take another transcendental deep breath because we’ve just gotten ahold of her leaked list of potential baby names!
We’ve been blessed with an exclusive, very real glimpse into Kourt’s deepest, most personal thoughts, straight from every girl’s most unhinged and intimate diary: her iPhone Notes App.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: The Bear Season 2 (Hulu)
Eating: If there’s a Target near you, I recently got this delicious Mexican Street Corn Trail Mix. It’s obvi not actually healthy, but it’s healthier than like, Takis or Cheetos, and it checks the same box for me spiritually.
Reading: “What To Do About Fake Drake Songs” (The New Yorker)
No way ENEMA is on her baby name list 💀
i love caroline calloway, no one can convince me otherwise