Lemme guess
I was going to do a review of the new Netflix show Dated & Related this week, where pairs of siblings try to find love together in a French villa, but it was so hard to get through the first two episodes that I aborted the mission.
What I can say: the episodes are too long (like 50 minutes a piece) and nothing happens. Very similar to other dating shows, low drama, and all the shock value stems from the title alone.
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
On Monday and Tuesday night, we watched the penultimate episodes of The Bachelorette, the first ever season to feature not one but two leading ladies, Gabby and Rachel. (If you need a refresher, here’s my Night 1 recap).
It’s been a train wreck of a season, punctuated by this week’s overnights, which mostly ended in disaster. . .Rachel and Zach talking about chewing coffee beans the morning after was the most uncomfortable thing in television history.
Ahead of the final chapter, I’m reflecting back on the big wins and losses of a historic (for all the wrong reasons) season:
Who won: The ABC partnerships team. As someone who recently made the jump to working in brand partnerships, I acknowledge that this is especially top of mind for me, but even for the unencumbered viewer, it was hard to ignore the prevalence of ads this season. How much exactly did Universal pay for that 7 minute plug for the Bros movie with Billy Eichner? Probably the price of a 3-bedroom in Echo Park.
Who lost: The men. Even during Hometowns, I could barely tell you any of the guys’ names because they had gotten such little screen time. How you optimize your post-show fifteen minutes is everything — it can be the difference between starting a successful electrolytes company and starting a TikTok CrossFit presence. They’re going to have to make up a lot of ground in Paradise.
My Bachelor pick: I’ll get shade for this, but I think Johnny would be super fun, even thought we already know he’s out of the running. Chaotic, high energy people are much better television than robotic sweethearts that are autoprogrammed to say the right things, especially in a franchise that at this point feels like it’s targeting more of a Wheel of Fortune demographic than the young women it allegedly caters to.
Take Gabby versus Rachel for example. Whether Gabby leaves with a man or not, she’s had some of the most personality since Hannah Brown, and Hannah famously signed with UTA after filming. We all worked with Bachelor peeps on the reg in PR, and they are hardly ever repped by legitimate agencies — it’s usually like, Kayla from Influencer Architects.
I get that Nate will be a good husband to someone and it’s cute that he has a daughter or whatever, but it’s not RuPaul’s Best Friend Race! It’s a drama factory!
Closing thoughts: This was my first season back after a hiatus, and it was sort of fun but mostly not. I would stay more loyal to the franchise if writing was my real job and not a hobby, because then the hours I spent watching would be billable which, given the quality of the content, they really should be for everyone.
Kardash Korner
You don’t think I feel bad, I feel sad!
Who’s ready for The Kardashians S2 this month?! I’ve missed these sexy aliens! Let’s check in:
Kimberly announced yesterday that she is starting her own private equity firm, SKKY Partners, alongside Carlyle vet Jay Sammons. The firm will focus on investments in the consumer and media industries, where Kim obviously thrives. But no matter how much she grows, achieves, and challenges herself, society will always discredit her — I don’t understand how you can still actively dislike this woman, this force of nature, in 2022. They truly hate to see a girlboss winning! Personally, I’ll be “door knocking and cold calling,” as they say on Selling The OC, to get a job at SKKY asap.
Kim also graced the cover of Interview Mag in full albino bombshell mode, where she gave details about her new Spotify podcast, The System, which is going to tell true crime stories through the lens of criminal justice and prison reform, supporting her existing work. But again, fuck her because she has a fake butt and is rich?? Sorry for ranting, I just have a lot of feelings.
On the kontrary, I don’t have a problem making fun of Kourtney’s business endeavors, because they invariably serve a solid C minus — what would we expect after the Christmas Card debacle of 2018? Poosh isn’t really a business, it’s a blog, and with all the money in the world they couldn’t even hire talented writers to bring Kourtney’s ideas about compression socks and lettuce wraps to life. But it seems like Kourt is finally angling for a seat at the adults table with a new brand called Lemme. The premise is a mystery for now, with only lavender promo shots to go off of, but early speculation from fans is something like an interior design app. Maybe after years of dating the ever aimless Scott, her matrimony with fully-employed Travis is prompting her to "get her fucking ass up and work.”
Peasant Confidential
A low-brow bitch takes on the world.
Last night I got to go to the US Open for work, so my roommate suggested that I write up a quick blurb about what it was like to be a lowly serf at a high society event. I’m susceptible to the power of suggestion.
I had never seen live tennis before at all, so I needed a pre-game scoring lesson from my friend and Fantasy Football co-manager Maggie to make sure I had a basic understanding of what TF was going on.
Here are some takeaways:
I was definitely overdressed, which is a classic poor person mistake. I looked SO CUTE in my little lemon dress, but true rich people don’t dress up because they are so comfortable in their own skin and secure in their sense of belonging.
I saw celebrities! Emily Ratakowski was there with Ziwe, but only Emily’s name was put up on the chyron lol. It looks like they had fun though!
I made sure to get an IG pic of my Honey Deuce cocktail which I’ve seen everywhere on social this week. This was probably also gauche of me.
I got way more into the matches than I thought I would. We stayed until 1AM, who knew that tennis was so long!
All in all, a cool adventure! Next time I’ll wear sweats and drink a Heineken so that a handsome rich man takes me to be his wife.
Money Talks
Credit card debt intensifies. . .
My purchases from the last few weeks:
Bed Threads Duvet Cover — My parents got me a Bed Threads set for my birthday so I completed it with this duvet cover in oatmeal - blended with the Terracotta pillows, it’s a chic moment.
Amazon Dress — For work last week we had a happy hour on this boat (I kept calling it a yacht, but it was a boat) and I realized I had absolutely nothing that was #yachtcore, which meant I needed to channel my preppy Kate Spade days (may they rest in peace) with this last minute buy.
New York Times Games Subscription — This was my only LDW purchase — $20 for a year of crosswords is a steal.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
No one is fighting for the life of his relevancy like Spencer Pratt right now. Over the weekend, he decided to unearth some bad blood with Lisa Kudrow, teasing the twenty-second anecdote over the course of three TikToks to maximize views. He called her one of the “worst humans” he had ever met, all because at an NBC party 20 years ago, she sauntered up to him and Heidi Montag and told Heidi that Spencer looked like a serial killer and she should leave him. This is iconic and hysterical, and Spencer should just be happy he gets to tell that story at dinner parties.
Last night at MSG, resident Harry Styles acknowledged the phenomenon of #SpitGate, with his classic cheeky charm putting the rumors to rest more swiftly and effectively than Chris Pine (who my boss referred to yesterday as “some guy”) and his reps’ sanctimonious soliloquy about “online illusions” and “foolish speculation.” It’s not that deep, ya’ll! Take a joke!
And this morning, another colossal Olivia Wilde feature was published, this time in Vanity Fair. She issues some good PR rebuttals about the recent drama, but this is my thing: for someone who self-righteously takes the high road and is above the noise, why would you publicly discuss firing a lead actor when you could have declined to comment, and why would you fuel the fire that your ex-fiancee coordinated the infamous CinemaCon Serve? Gossip is sanctioned when it’s convenient to her, but degrading when she’s the one affected.
Lastly, if you were wondering about what ever happened after all the Funny Girl drama, Lea Michele put a bow on it Tuesday evening with her debut performance as Fanny Brice. Honestly, good for her.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Listening: Bachelor Party (The Ringer) — Post-game analysis is the only reason why slogging through the Bachelor is ever worth it.
Watching: Barbarian — I saw the trailer for this in theaters and it was the scariest thing ever but I knew in my heart of hearts I had to see it. #GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough
Reading: “London Bridge Is Down: The Secret Plan for the Days After the Queen’s Death” (The Guardian)
