It's a virus: I get it, I respect it...
LiLo's baby, Animal Control, and F23 Predictions.
The fact that this week is the three year anniversary of lockdown. . .I can vividly remember sitting in the tiny armchair in my Crown Heights kitchen “living room” and downloading TikTok for the first time — it felt illicit and guilty, like looking up “Daniel Radcliffe Equus” on your parents’ computer in the fifth grade.
Flash-forward to now, and I’m so addicted that I can’t handle three seconds of boredom without pulling out my phone. I truly am the poster child for everything boomers are worried about.
And on that note, let’s get into the goss!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Lindsay Lohan is pregnant with baby number one! Whether she is pregnant herself or using a surrogate is unclear as of now, since celebs seem to be all over recreating that scene from Severance IRL with the baby outsourcing. Either way, happy for her!!
Law Roach let the haters get him down. The legendary Hollywood stylist to stars like Zendaya and Beyonce announced on Instagram this week that he is throwing in the kaftan due to the snakery that dominates the industry.
My favorite part is that his literal job revolves around curating aesthetics for the most premium stars in the world, and he chose to make the announcement with clipart from 2001.
Sammi Sweetheart returns to Jersey Shore. If you thought Jersey Shore had been the off the air for thirty years, you’d be wrong, because the original cast has come back together for several years now in a revival titled Jersey Shore: Family Vacation where they go on trips together for a shorter duration of time and MTV gives them lots of money. Honestly, the dream!
Sammi had originally declined to participate in order to avoid “potentially toxic situations,” but it sounds like a check of her liking has been cut. Sometimes it pays to play hardball!
Avril Lavigne interrupted by topless streaker. This is the third week in a row I’ve talked about Avril Lavigne. Incredible!
When presenting at Juno Awards (?), a topless protester jumped on the stage with Lavigne to express her discontentment with Ontario’s residential development plan. Seems like the wrong venue for this but admire the hustle.
Gwyneth Paltrow goes viral for bone broth diet. In a new interview, GP described her daily diet as coffee in the morning, bone broth for lunch, and veggie paleo dinner followed by intermittent fasting.
God, I love Gwyneth because she truly lives in her own reality and that’s a level of wealth mixed with delusion that we should all aspire for.
Van Leeuwen collabs with Hidden Valley Ranch. Speaking of things Gwyneth will not be eating. . .! If there was a Walmart near me I would totally taste-test this for the #content. Alas!
Why are people watching Animal Control?
Over the past couple weeks I’ve seen several sources I trust a medium amount saying that the new FOX sitcom Animal Control, starring Community alum Joel McHale, is actually good despite every obvious element that would make you think otherwise.
As the patron saint of low-brow culture, I decided to humbly sacrifice my time to find out if they were full of horse shit (animal pun).
The 311: Frank (Joel McHale) is a disgraced cop who was fired after a whistleblowing incident, relegating him to the worst job in the world: an animal control officer. But will his curmudgeonly, lone wolf facade melt away when he gets assigned a new walking-on-sunshine rookie partner? (Yes!)
Fun fact, Joel McHale is the only celebrity I really had extended interactions with when I worked in PR, outside of a few Bachelor reality people. He was the main ambassador for an unnamed seltzer company I worked for that still haunts my dreams — I will only buy Fever Tree now out of spite! But anyway, he seemed like such a normal dad dude, so I’m glad he’s getting his bag.
That said, he plays the same character in this series that he always plays — sarcastic, alienatingly intelligent, a loose cannon who doesn’t play by the rules. And Animal Control goes so far as to even base the show in Seattle, his hometown, and make his character an ardent Seahawks fan.
What else? The rest is pretty much what you would expect. Workplace crushes, fights over Donut Wednesday, and several animal-related gags per episode, like escaped kangaroos and bears in hot tubs.
I liked that they introduced an unexpected coworker hookup as soon as episode three — we’re so used to the two-season long will-they-won’t-they formula that cutting to the chase was a welcome surprise.
I’m curious how long they’ll be able to stretch this concept out for. Like, at a certain point won’t they run out of ridiculous animal scenarios? I guess with ChatGPT, the limit does not exist.
Should you watch? I’m trying to think of a world in which placing this in your TV rotation would make sense. Maybe if you’re the parent of a high schooler and you’re looking for a family show, or you’re going through something in your personal life and you need smooth brain content with kooky characters, AKA the main reason why I binged six seasons of Brooklyn 99 in two months.
★★★☆☆
2023 Predictions Watch!
Our third prediction of 2023 has come (mostly) true. On Saturday, It Girl Jenna Ortega hosted SNL, as predicted by yours truly.
However, I also predicted that it would flop, not because I’m a hater, I love Jenna, but she’s self-admittedly socially awkward and we haven’t seen a lot of IRL charm or comedy from her yet.
But I'll happily admit when I’m wrong, and according to the snobs at The Atlantic, she “fit right in,” helping the episode “achieve fresh-faced vivacity.”
I thought the monologue was a little drab, but that could be because she hasn’t been around long enough to have known lore to riff on.
My favorite sketches were the Parent Trap reboot with Fred Armisen and the Black exorcism.
Also I saw her in Scream 6 this week and it was fun!
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: SWARM — Donald Glover’s new horror show for Amazon Prime that satirizes the Beyhive. Also Malia Obama joins him again as a staff writer!
Reading: “Influencer Parents and The Kids Who Had Their Childhood Made Into Content” (Teen Vogue)
Listening: Endless Summer Vacation — Miley Cyrus
Another EXCELLENT low down. I will happily taste test this ranch ice cream since I live in The Country™, and I needed a trigger warning for that reminder about googling Equus 😂😂😂 I have never had a unique moment
OMG! Ranch dressing flavored ice cream?! I need to let all of my Southern relatives know about this. Just added “The Swarm” to my streaming queue. Thanks for the enervating heads up!