I'm very much down to earth, just not this earth.

Met Gala Top 5s with My Seester!

I don’t normally dare to cover fashion because if I had it my way, I would be a billionaire tech CEO in a hoodie that was custom-designed and tailored specifically to my proportions. And this isn’t some not-like-other-girls-I-just-want-to-wear-my-boyfriends-oversized-hoodie-and-no-makeup kind of thing. I would still have a glam team in this scenario.

Anyway, my kapitalism fantasy aside, last night was the 2023 Met Gala, with the late, great, controversial skinny legend Karl Lagerfeld as the evening’s theme.

Joining me for some power rankings is my much more fashionable sister, Katie! Who among us hasn’t turned to our older sister for guidance on how to dress cool. I definitely did, but not until we were both squarely out of our Nature Museum Wolf T-Shirt phase.

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Best Overall

E: Anne Hathaway! Last night reminded me how I could not be more thrilled that she grew her hair back so we could love her again. Stern warning to Florence Pugh! That V for Vendetta BS better have just been a stunt because we cannot lose the greatest actress of our generation to the Katy Perry Curse of the Pixie.

Anyway, back to Anne. I love how she’s making “edgier” elements like the safety pins and full-body slit still look soft and elegant. She’s like a sexy tweed pirate queen. She’s pillaging Bergdorfs, then setting it ablaze. 

Runners up: Rihanna, Jenna Ortega, Giselle Bundchen 

K: Emma is correct that Anne destroyed this look. No notes. My other pick has to be Michaela “Dripping in Gold” Coel. Michaela was a co-chair for the Met Ball so pressure was extra high and she delivered. Schiaparelli is almost always a win for me, but I feel like only she could pull off jewel-encrusted nipple and vajay covers and simultaneously look like the coolest and most serious person in the room. Her skin is glowing. The glam is perfect. She looks like she runs the place and honestly, she probably should—the Met could use an injection of young, hot creative genius. 

Runners up: Lily James, Kerry Washington, Camila Morrone, Rachel Brosnahan (shockingly)

Worst Overall

E: Quinta Brunson. I hate to say it since she’s America’s sweetheart right now but this is rough. We’ve seen such gorgeous looks from her at the Emmy’s and the SAG Awards, but this is getting you sent home from Project Runway week one level bad. 

Runners Up: Emma Chamberlain, Kendall Jenner, Chloe Fineman (her livestream coverage didn’t help)

K: Allison Williams. Not to pregnant-shame, but I actually Googled if Allison was pregnant again after seeing this look because I thought that had to be the reason for this choice. (She’s not.) The cut is weird, the color makes no sense, and the accessories are too much for a belted peach balloon. Coco Chanel herself said TAKE ONE THING OFF BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE. It’s not giving Chanel or Chloé, it’s giving overexcited mother-of-the-bride on a gorgeous 35-year-old woman.

Runners up: Emma Chamberlain, Florence Pugh (tragic because normally a fave), Ice Spice, Karlie Kloss (hot bod isn’t everything)

Best Straight Man

E: Ke Huy Quan! Sometimes, a sharp suit just looks better than like, a walking blimp outfit, or whatever people wear to get attention at these things. The look is majorly on-theme, and it totally transforms the smiley, uncular Ke we’re used to seeing on red carpets to a formidable luxury casino pit boss who will not hesitate to punch you in the face with all those angular rings.  

Runners up: Bad Bunny, Dwayne Wade, Roger Federer, Simu Liu 

K: I take Emma’s point that you don’t need to wear a gigantic showstopper to look great in a suit on a red carpet. That said, Diddy. First of all, he designed this himself! Designer king! It’s so hard for straight guys to show up to these events and really make an impact and that’s exactly what he did. He’s covered in rosettes and studs and classic Karl sunglasses and he looks completely regal. I also love that he made this a tribute to André Leon Talley as well as Lagerfeld, especially since I think most of us are not really sure that KL is the guy to be getting a whole show in this post–Me Too Hollywood landscape.

Runners up: Tyler Mitchell, Tom Ford, Ke Huy Quan, Robert Pattinson (hate that I love this)

Best Cat-Inspired

E: Lil Nas X! Less of a “look” and more of a trip to Party City’s wearable glitter aisle, but I still loved it. I know we’ve seen a lot of nearly naked dresses from women on the carpet in the past, but to be essentially fully naked outside of a tiny banana hammock is brave, and not in the condescending way people call size 6 women brave for wearing spaghetti straps.

LNX always hits us with a showstopper, and this year he hit us with a bunch of illegal selfies, so we’ll stay tuned on if his celebrity illuminati card is revoked.

K: I guess it does have to be Lil Nas. I hated all the cat shit, I’m not gonna lie. We all love Choupette as a concept but I didn’t want to see actual Cats™ on the Met stairs. Doja Cat’s makeup gave me nightmares so I’m giving it to Lil Nas’s silver butt. Cats.

Most Pick Me

E: Lily Collins. I generally don’t love this look, it feels very dated to me. But a few things on top of that make it a Pick Me winner. 

First, the way she’s styled with the 50s bob and bold red lip is very Taylor Swift in her 2012 housewife era. Second, the “Karl” homage blazed across the train in washi tape reads to me as, “I care about Karl more than everyone else here because I’m a true student of fashion, and I need to make that known in a very obtrusive way. My grief is bigger than yours!”

Runners up: Stephanie Hsu (the tie takes me back to Tumblr), Alexa Chung (you’re seriously telling me they cracked down on the guest list?), Jack Harlow 

K: Pedro Pascal. Internet daddy, blah, blah, blah. I’m tired of it. I can literally hear his stylist pep-talk whispering “the stans are going to love this.” I can appreciate that someone told him to wear a Carmen-San Diego-in-little-shorts outfit and he said yes, but it’s so attention-grabby I can’t totally respect it.

Runners up: Lil Nas X, Jenna Ortega (but I kind of like it), Jared Leto, Lily Collins (but I actually think it would have been fairly classy without the KARRLLLLLLL) 

E: It’s giving: “Stelllaaaaaaaa!”

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While two gorgeous girls stand before you, you only have one photo in your hand.

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