I don't even know ya'll
Selena & Francia, Doja Cat vs. The World, and July Slays
I celebrated my 2*th birthday this week (hold for applause) and I actually felt less depressed than on my birthday last year (hold for second set of applause) even though I got older again.
I’m still waiting for the magical era of “not caring” that everyone in their thirties loves to brag about. I really don’t even think that’s true, I think you just make enough money by your thirties that you’re able to address the things you care about and then project the illusion of not caring since it’s been handled. “Oh, I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore. BTW, let’s take my Lexus to the Rolex store before we get our lip injections for our couples vacation.”
That’s my impression of being 35, was it accurate??
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Lana Del Ray picks up a shift at Waffle House. The singer was photographed “working” at an Alabama Waffle House, or at least wearing the uniform. It’s confirmed that she served coffee to at least one customer, who had no idea who she was.
Maybe it’s an ad campaign like when Ben “worked” at Dunkin? Or maybe it’s like method acting for pop stars.
Tom Brady gets frisky with Irina Shayk. 9 months after his divorce from Giselle, Tom is making moves on Bradley Cooper’s ex, model Irina Shayk. They had a morning after photo op outside his LA home, prompting Kim K to google “Irina Shayk nose job.”
Selena Gomez tempers feud with kidney donor Francia Raise. Following her own birthday bash, Selena posted a b-day tribute to her former bestie, How I Met Your Father actress Francia Raise, leading Francia to resume following Selena on Instagram.
Francia had unfollowed Selena in 2022 when Selena made the flippant comment that Taylor Swift was her only friend in the industry, then doubled down with “sorry I didn’t mention every person I know” after Francia expressed hurt feelings.
Jordyn & Kylie, now Selena & Francia? Maybe 2023 is the year of the reunion — someone tell Larsa and Kim!
What is going on at Burger King Thailand??? Earlier this month, the franchise unveiled an all-cheese cheeseburger, which was just twenty slices of cold American cheese and no meat.
Coasting on their viral success (?), this week they unveiled the “Real Meat Burger,” which allows customers to ask for unlimited burger patties.
NFL star Travis Kelce tried and failed to pick up Taylor Swift. He had a brilliant plan to sneak his number to Taylor at the Eras tour via a Trojan Horse friendship bracelet, but Tay did not deign to do meet and greets with commoners, so he was unfortunately foiled. Being rich and somewhat famous can only help you so much when it comes to the realm of Lady Swift.
SpongeBob ends his marriage amid Ariana tryst. His wife was not thrilled, publicly stating that Ariana is “not a girl’s girl” and that her family is “collateral damage.”
We should have a Mount Rushmore for nerdy guys who have left their wives to date A-Listers / models. John Mulaney, this Ethan Stoker man, and Jeremy Allen White (yes, I know he has abs) when he starts dating Gigi Hadid.
Doja Cat hates her fans. Earlier this week, a Doja Cat “kitten” asked the singer via Threads to declare her love for her fanbase, to which Doja replied “I don’t even know ya’ll.”
She also hates that her Kittenz call themselves that and recently disclosed that her first two albums were “mediocre pop” “cash grabs” and anyone who enjoyed them “fell for it.”
I feel like she’s like a third grader who put on a dance routine to Best Of Both Worlds at the family reunion, and then the next summer she’s like “omg, that routine was so embarrassing, wait until you see my super mature fourth grade choreography to Baby One More Time.”
Uncultured’s July Slays
Hijack (Apple TV+)
It’s all in the title! Idris Elba’s Hijack follows a flight from Dubai to London that is taken over by mysterious and somewhat incompetent hijackers. It’s like the terrorists were assigned to be in a group project together where one of them didn’t read the rubric and another has really bad public speaking anxiety. I guess even terrorists can be disorganized!
Anyway, Idris is a sexy and vague business consultant who is basically like, “I’m the only MF on this plane who isn’t a total ding dong, I’m going to take this matter into my own hands with my cucumber demeanor.”
Highly recommend if you’re in the mood to feel super tense about something other than your passive-aggressive mother-in-law or crippling student loan debt.
Believe In Magic Podcast
Loyal readers will know that I was recently obsessed with the Scamanda podcast about a woman who faked cancer for attention, so much so that I went down a Munchausen’s rabbit hole and even ended up on some questionable Reddit forums.
Believe in Magic is a similar story, but it’s quicker and less in-depth, kind of like a fucked up Normal Gossip episode. It tells the story of a teenage “cancer patient” who starts her own charity (eventually getting the attention of huge celebrities like the the One Direction boys) and the cancer community sleuths who uncovered she was living a lie.
You can probs listen to all of this on a long car ride, I binged the whole thing while trying and failing to do an abstract puzzle.
Theater Camp (Searchlight)
I was uniquely primed to like this movie because I spent many summers as a youth attending theater camps. Because I was ugly, I was always cast as like, a palace guard, or in one ill-advised production of The Wedding Singer Jr., I literally played “the fat woman.” Couldn’t get away with that in 2023!
This movie will probably only be 60% funny if you’ve never graced the stage, but it absolutely nails the concept of children’s theater directors talking to 9-year-olds like adults, not based on any moral principle, but because their permanent adolescence bars them from any understanding of what is relevant to or appropriate for kids. Watching a 7th grader scream at her scene partner about their contentious divorce will never not be funny.
Joy Ride (Lionsgate)
This movie came out at the top of the month and has only done like $12M at the box office, but I but I feel like it will have a fruitful second life on streaming!
It follows a high-achieving Chinese-American lawyer who has to take a business trip to China, and brings along three emotionally-stunted friends to help with translation. There’s copious amounts of drugs, threesomes, and a K-Pop music video. And you might even cry at the end!
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Talk To Me — I’m seeing this tomorrow and I’m already scared!
Listening: Sounds Like A Cult “The Cult of PTA Moms”
Reading: “Elon Musk’s X Rebrand Is Toxic Catnip to the Press” (Politico)
Jonathan Safran Foer so desperately wants to be on that Mr. Rushmore 🤣🤣