Don't want you in my bloodline
WGA/SAG Strike, Kylie & Jordyn Reunite, and Ari's Rebound
Probably half a dozen of my friends sent me the story about the girl who got shot wearing SKIMS shapewear and claims it helped prevent her from bleeding out, and while I appreciate you, there is a 169% chance if it’s Kim K Kontent, I have seen it!! The kimalgorithm will always find me, and I will always find it.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
The first-ever Golden Bachelor gets announced. ABC shared that a 71-year-old fox named Gerry Turner, a retired restauranteur from Indiana. His wife died six years ago and he is looking for a second shot at love :(
Lindsay Lohan’s baby has arrived!! It’s a boy and they named him Luai. I am genuinely so happy to see her thriving.
Joe Manganiello files for divorce from Sofia Vergara after seven years. I don’t really care about this news, but I think the elder millennials do. They’re all like, “omg, love is dead!!!”
But these people got engaged after six months of dating and now they have “irreconcilable differences,” so I’m impressed they even lasted as long as they did.
And in other divorce news, Ariana Grande and her no-name husband call it quits. They were only together for two years, and she’s just too famous to be with a real estate agent. She’s Ariana Fucking Grande, not G Flip.
That said, apparently she is already onto her rebound, her Wicked movie co-star Ethan Slater. He is also a nobody and looks like the type of guy I would copy off of in Biochem. She probably likes being worshipped until it gets boring or he gets insecure.
The Hadids are in trouble! Bella goes into treatment for Lyme Disease. Shortly after breaking up with her BF, Bella is apparently taking time off for her Lyme Disease treatment.
I’m not out here trying to get doxxed by Big Lyme, but I read this very interesting article over the weekend about the questionable legitimacy of chronic lyme, fwiw.
Meanwhile, Gigi Hadid was arrested for having pot on her person in the Cayman Islands. She was bailed out for $1,000, which is probs what she spent on dinner that night.
Raquel Leviss is taking back the name Rachel. After her lengthy stay in a mental health facility following the Scandoval fallout, Raquel decided to change her name back to Rachel (she made it official on her TikTok) since her haters were using her birth name against her. I seriously feel like she has bigger fish to fry, but I wish her the best!
Ben Platt will NOT answer your nepo baby questions. In an interview with Rolling Stone to promote his new movie Theater Camp (yes, I will be seeing this), Platt shut down an interview when they asked him to comment on being featured in the infamous NYMag Nepo Baby cover. His publicist intervened (been there, lol) and they ended the interview early.
That is CLASSIC theater kid behavior!! A diva through and through.
An Exhaustive List of Everything Kylie and Jordyn Covered During Their Reunion Dinner
Did you think I would forget to mention that former besties Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods buried the hatchet over the weekend?? HUGE, HUGE, HUGE.
Personally, I hate to say it, but I feel like Jordyn should probably stay away from Kylie. And I love Kylie, it’s not shade. I just think they have too much painful history and Jordyn is probably in a more positive place now where her identity isn’t tied to being KarJenner-adjacent.
But on the other hand, I can’t imagine losing a friendship with someone you were THAT close with — like they were twin flames before Megan and MGK made it a thing.
Either way, we can all relate to the joy of reuniting with a bestie you haven’t seen in ages, so I got to brainstorm for Betches everything they could have possibly covered from their four year hiatus.
How Kris Jenner wouldn’t have gotten caught if she had been in charge of Operation Varsity Blues
If Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were secretly boning during A Star is Born
Which sororities they would’ve rushed at Bama if they had gone to college
Their favorite Animal Crossings villagers
The best White Claw flavors
How they secretly love DeuxMoi’s Sunday Spotted because it gives them ideas of where to “run into” their crushes
If they would smash or pass on Armie Hammer
How Jordyn got really into chess after watching The Queen’s Gambit
How Kylie plans to explain the “WAP” music video to her children one day
The tea on Kourtney and Addison
How the rich people were the true victims of Parasite
Similarly, how AOC’s Met Gala dress was totally uncalled for
Everything Will and Jada
How the KarJenners secretly think 818 tastes like bleach but have to pretend to love it
Who would die first on Squid Game
How Kylie thought about buying a Bored Ape NFT for Travis but is glad she didn’t
If it’s embarrassing or romantic that Drake has a closet full of Birkins for his future wife
If either of them would ever consider being Drake’s future wife
What Harry Styles texted Kendall during the Don’t Worry Darling press tour
How The White Lotus hotel isn’t actually as nice as it looks on-screen
Which of their friends are cheugy
How Kylie felt awkward hanging out with Pete Davidson because his sense of humor isn’t her vibe
How no one knows where Scott was on January 6th
Eyebrow Gate
Are Hailey and Justin actually happy?
How BeReal must have been so boring for normies
If they should hit up Alix Earle the next time they’re in Miami or if that’s weird
If it’s socially acceptable for Kylie to go to the Eras concert next week
The Idol was actually good but they’re afraid to say it
Fall Streaming Guide: Strike Edition
Hey all you streaming fiends,
We hope you’re having an awesome summer gobbling up all of the tasty content coming from your 18 different streaming services.
As you may have heard, writers and actors across the country are abandoning their jobs as stewards of entertainment because they’re greedy little piggies who believe they’re entitled to something they’re calling a “living wage.”
But fear not, because the streaming overlords don’t make media for the money, they make it because they care about their viewers. So strike or no strike, they’re committed to bringing fresh content to all you thirsty, insatiable content guzzlers.
Check out what’s coming to screens this fall, no talent necessary.
Jeff Bezos Family Home Videos
It’s the joy of scrolling through someone else’s vacation photos, now multiplied by infinity. Amazon Executive Chairman Jeff Bezos has graciously released 300+ hours of his 2007 VHS camcorder footage to Amazon Prime TV — so if you weren’t watching before, you certainly will be now! Highlights include footage from Jeff’s 20-year Princeton reunion where he sang “Big Yellow Taxi” in the karaoke room, an everyman’s Fourth of July barbecue on the superyacht where Jeff’s thumb is covering half the lens, and a night-vision, Skinamarink homage when the camera was left on in the great hall overnight.
Not So Handcrafted: An AI Competition Series
AI can access and synthesize the entire history of the world in seconds, analyze data to help create life-saving vaccines, and safely drive you from San Francisco to New York in record time. But one thing it can’t do? Draw hands.
We get it! Elementary schoolers have been drawing stick figures with their hands behind their backs for decades to avoid the common pitfall.
In this 10-episode competition series, AI contestants will participate in challenges to generate the least disturbing images of human hands, with the winner receiving their own pair of hands to aid their journey to experiencing the human condition and going all Ex Machina on our humble society.
Lana: Too Bot To Handle
In her debut standup special, Lana, the omniscient robot from the popular reality series Too Hot to Handle takes the stage in Houston to share side-splitting stories about her conservative Catholic school upbringing, behind the scenes secrets about her time as a professional cock block, and the juicy details of her phone sex tryst with the narrator from Love Island.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Barbenheimer!
Eating: Tip for fellow calorie counting psychos: The Yasso greek yogurt bars are amazing. They’re 100 calories!!! A win for the people.
Reading: “The ‘Scammer’ and The Scammed: The Dueling Memoirs of Caroline Calloway and Natalie Beach” (The New Yorker) — y’all, I can’t get enough of this saga. This is my Scandoval!!!
The part about Bella Hadid gave me instant flashbacks to the Munchausen's storyline on RHOBH lol
Barbenheimer i LOVE IT !!!!!!!!!