I am not IN danger, I am the danger
Horror Quarterly, Survivor Superlatives, and Cheer Drama Explained.
Remember in like, 2012 when we would be like, “oh my gosh, I have such a girl crush on Mindy Kaling!” And what we meant, drenched in internalized homophobia, was I think Mindy Kaling is really hot and funny and I wish I could be her friend?
I want an updated word for that feeling, but with a more resentful, jealous tinge. Like, “I have such a parasocial nemesis complex with Willa Bennett, I look up to yet envy her success and I wish she was me!”
Any ideas? I’m workshopping “rage crush” but I’m open to feedback.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Corey Gamble, the king of silk, launches Dolce & Gabbana partnership. If you forgot, he’s Kris Jenner’s longtime BF, which means of course he needs to start a product line and of course it’s going to be with D&G. My question is for the boys — is Corey Gamble an aspirational figure to you? Would you buy luxury silk lounge sets from him?? I’m an apologist for Talentless, Scott Disick’s basics brand, but that’s only because the sweatpants are my wardrobe staple and I think the name is clever.
The Cheer girls are fighting. It’s been a minute since any of us gave thought to our friends at Navarro College, but fan favorites Gabi Butler and La’Darius Marshall went at it in a series of dueling social media posts, where Ladarius revealed that Gabi tried to use him to defend her blackface photo and they were sleeping together for years!! Now the waters have settled and they’re sub-posting Bible verses at each other.
Water Wars! Sydney Sweeney kicks off Bai partnership. Euphoria star Zendaya recently partnered with Smart Water, and now her co-star Sydney Sweeney is getting in bed with Bai. They used to sell these at the deli I worked at as a kid and no one everrrr bought them. I’m honestly shocked they have budget for someone like Sydney, but maybe she did it for cheap because we know from the infamous THR interview that HBO isn’t paying her enough to support her A-list lifestyle.
So can you blame Chloe Cherry for shoplifting?! Sydney’s Euphoria castmate Chloe Cherry has been charged with a theft misdemeanor after an incident in December where she allegedly stole a $28 blouse from a local store in her hometown of Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The cable girls need to unionize!
Horror Quarterly: A Quarterly Horror Report
Outside of reality television, my secondary low-brow passion is the horror genre. I know that A24 likes to parade around with their elevated horror nonsense, and I liked Hereditary as much as the next jabroni, but *Love Island Voice* at the end of the day, we’re all just here for the thrills and chills!
Normally horror roundups are saved for Halloween, but I think they deserve to get pulled up from the minor leagues and onto the bench, so they can be called upon in weeks like these where nothing interesting is happening between the Grammy’s and the Big Game.
If you’re looking for your next horror adventure, please peruse, or if you’re afraid of horror movies but like looking up the Wikipedia synopses, this is for you, too.
Sick (2023) — Peacock
Set at the start of the pandemic (snore) college besties Parker and Miri leave campus to quarantine together in Parker’s dad’s one-percenter lake house.
I still kind of feel robbed by my quarantine experience — as an indoor person, I truly could have thrived. I could have watched all the Mission: Impossible movies or started a short-lived podcast. But instead, I toiled away pitching shaving cream to beauty editors for 15 hours a day in my windowless Brooklyn apartment. Also I was on Accutane so all my skin was peeling off. I’m just bitter.
Anyway, the girls get to their house, they have their Costco-sized tortilla chips in hand, it’s gonna be a blast. But they start getting anonymous texts from a stalker and one night, they wake up to their phones stolen and their house invaded by a masked killer!
This plays on one of my greatest fears, which is home invasion. I am afraid of home invasion at all times, in any type of home. When I went home for the holidays to the quaint Massachusetts town of my childhood, I would wake up at 3AM terrified that someone who wanted to brand themselves as “The Christmas Killer” was going to stab me. When I was cat-sitting in Brooklyn, I was paranoid that a serial killer would climb up to the 17th-floor balcony and break in, so I slept with a small knife on the bedside table. At my current apartment, I triple-lock the door religiously.
This makes me the ideal audience for this type of movie, so I may be biased in my recommendation. The COVID framework kind of sucks, but apart from that, it’s only 90 minutes so you don’t have much to lose.
Watch If You Liked: Hush, The Call, You’re Next
We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2021) — HBO Max
Judging from the thumbnail, I thought this film was going to be absolutely horrifying. A possessed 15-year-old covers her face with neon paint and her eyes with beads — it’s like Coraline meets laser tag.
The film tells the story of Casey, an isolated teenager who seeks solace and community in an online horror role-play game called The Worlds Fair. But as she gets more engrossed in the story, her perception of the game and reality starts to blur.
Much of the narrative is conducted through YouTube videos and Google calls, sort of like a more nuanced, intimate version of Searching or Unfriended. But for many viewers, including my roommate, the most deeply unsettling scene is that of a lengthy ASMR clip. I was pretty much unfazed since I’m considering starting an ASMR channel of me tapping on things with my signature almond nails after I inevitably get laid off.
This movie didn’t end up being very scary — it was more Eighth Grade than it was The Babadook — but I was glad I checked it out, and it will definitely linger with you more than a typical slasher.
Watch If You Liked: It Follows, Raw
Speak No Evil (2022) — Shudder / Amazon Rentals
I watched this over Christmas break and it was a huge fucking mistake. I’m usually largely desensitized to horror and gore in movies, but this movie had one of the most disturbing sequences in its final act that was HAUNTING.
The film follows a Danish family who encounters a Dutch family while on vacation in Tuscany. They hit it off, decide to have lunch together, and a few months later, the Danish receive an invitation from the Dutch to spend the weekend at their home.
Listen — it’s not a spoiler to say nothing good comes from making vacation friends. I don’t even want to spend a weekend at a friend’s house, let alone some hooligans I met while wine drunk. Party friends aren’t your real friends!
The first three-quarters of the movie are a lot tenser than they are horrific, mostly playing into how we wrestle with social niceties in favor of social awkwardness. If your host scolds your daughter for setting the table incorrectly, do you confront her, or do you let it slide for fear of rocking the boat?
This is also one of those stories where the protagonists make literally every possible error, which is one of my movie pet peeves. I ended up writing a Letterboxd rant to process my feelings afterward which I never do (I want to preserve my remaining dignity) so you know it stuck with me.
Watch If You Liked: The Invitation, Mother!, Midsommar
Survivor 44 Superlatives
Thank god I’ve had a backlog of The Challenge: Ride or Dies episodes in my DVR to keep me occupied during the Survivor off-season.
Earlier this month we did some Bachelor bio superlatives (I ended up being surprisingly on the money), so I thought we could assess the recently released crop of contestants for the upcoming 44th season of Survivor, premiering March 1.
Most Likely to Be Overly Familiar with Jeff: Carson
As Survivor stans know, every season kicks off with the castaways assembling on their new beach in front of longtime host Jeff Probst, who pretends he doesn’t know their names and asks questions like, “young lady in the overalls, how does it feel to be here in Fiji right now?”
Most people are generic, but some people take it upon themselves to try to force familiarity with Jeff in the hopes of becoming one of his favorites, like in season 23 when John Cochran brazenly asked to be called by his last name to follow in the footsteps of other Survivor legends.
This season, I predict Carson will fill that role. He is a psychotic super-fan, who “has obsessively studied the evolution of game theory within Survivor” and designs and 3D prints Survivor-inspired puzzles in his free time.
No one should love anything that much! He loves Survivor too much to play Survivor, it’s why they say never meet your heroes.
Most Likely to Start Arguments Over Rice: Matthew
Matthew seems like a particular guy — he hates mis-formed popsicles (?), pineapple on pizza (unoriginal), and malt chocolate candy (bizarre), as well as the color combination of purple and white (NYU slander).
He probably always serves his wine out of a decanter and picks the orange Sour Patch Kids out of the bag. But the thing is, you can’t have all of these preferences when you’re starving on an island with 17 other whackos.
Matthew will think he is being helpful by imparting his culinary wisdom on the rest of his tribe when he recommends a different technique for preparing the rice, but his pretension will just end up alienating everyone and could be the catalyst of his demise.
Most Likely to Give Good (Talking) Head: Frannie
Some of the show’s best moments come from talking head confessionals, when contestants get to air their pent-up grievances to producers. If I ever get cast on a reality show, which is a professional goal of mine, I truly think this is where I would excel because when you are both pissed (which I am frequently) and funny (if I do say so myself) you create soundbite gold.
A few things stood out to me about Frannie — she spent five years working at a high-traffic nail salon so she has stories, she got a perfect score on the MCAT so she’s smart in a Zuckerbergy way, and she collects leaves as a hobby, so she’s weird AF. She’ll have the right formula of self-awareness mixed with quirkiness to earn her some episode titles, which is the ultimate W.
Most Likely to Get MedEvaced: Claire
From first glance, Claire looks like a relatively in-shape person, and I’m not saying she’s not, but based on some of her Q&A I am going to wager a guess that she is not very coordinated, which could mean a blindfolded relay race ends with her breaking her ankle — it happens to the best of us!
Claire is a self-proclaimed musical theater nerd, which I know from cursed experience usually means asthma, body dysmorphia, and/or general lack of self and spatial awareness.
She also openly admits to listening to The Hunger Games audiobook every night before she goes to sleep, and that’s just not someone I would bet on to win a pole wrestle.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Stolen Youth: Inside the Cult at Sarah Lawrence — I totally forgot about this scandal until yesterday. I also got served a Sarah Lawrence ad on LinkedIn today about their charity work or something so they are Armie Hammering it up to rehab this image.
Reading: “Welcome to the Neighborhood” (Curbed) — These Silicon Valley losers think that East Williamsburg is the pinnacle of culture and they’re building a commune of adults who like having roommates and #changingtheworld.
Eating: Taking advantage of the last few days of Restaurant Week — catch me at the pre fixe.
Mimetic desire!!!!
thank you for giving me a weekend full of spooky to watch bc you know i could not care less about the Sports™