Don't you know that you're toxic?
Barbenheimer, Jonah Hill's "Boundaries," and the Wonka Trailer
I know I’m in dire straits mentally when I’m actively watching The Great British Bake Off at night. I’ve always respected the charms of the show, but I am a fast-paced kind of gal when it comes to my media consumption — I need gun fights or crisp walk-and-talks or really bitchy confessionals.
Swiss rolls aside, I got to write some fun Barbenheimer content for the betches at Betches this week so that is in here after our headlines. I’m personally seeing Oppenheimer first at 3:20PM, followed by Barbie at 7:15PM. There’s barely any time in between so it really means seven straight hours in the theater, but tbh that has been an ideal day for me lately. #NotLikeOtherGirls!!!!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Jonah Hill doesn’t know what a boundary actually is. Over the weekend, his ex-girlfriend, a model/surf instructor, posted screenshots of text exchanges between her and the actor during the time they were dating.
He would repeatedly send her a laundry list of “boundaries” she needed to abide by in order to be with him, including no swimsuit pics on her Instagram, no friendships with men (or “unstable” women), etc.
Funny that this comes after the release of his therapy documentary with Netflix. . .clearly all those out-of-network sessions are cash down the drain since he’s still the most insecure jabroni on the planet!!
The trailer for Timmy’s Wonka makes everyone uncomfortable. Hugh Grant as an Oompa Loompa? Does he have gambling debts we don’t know about?
Kristen Kish scores Top Chef hosting gig. Following the departure of longtime host Padma Lakshmi, Top Chef winner and certified hottie Kristen Kish secured the coveted gig.
One time I tried to work with her on behalf of one of my clients when I did PR and her agent was like…absolutely not. Good for him for knowing her worth even back in the day!
Speaking of famous lesbians, Renee Rapp dips out on her HBO contract. The star of The Sex Lives of College Girls decided to make an unauthorized exit ahead of the series’ third season. She hired a top entertainment lawyer to get her out of her contract, since she’d rather go on tour to promote her music career than continue participating in the show. Ballsy!
It’s kind of like the move Zayn pulled in 2015. In his first interview in six years, former One Directioner Zayn Malik appeared on — you guessed it — the Call Her Daddy podcast, where he shared that pulled the trigger on leaving the boy band because he could sense things were shifting, and decided it would be strategic to be the first to go solo (womp womp).
Have to respect a big swing! As the wise Taylor Swift once said, “you’ve gotta leave before you get left.”
But another Taylor passage has been left in the dust. We knew it was coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier to take. In the re-record of her Speak Now album, Taylor changed the ICONIC “Better Than Revenge” lyric “she’s an actress / but she’s better known for the things that she does on the mattress” to a bland, meaningless “he was a moth to a flame she was holding the matches.”
The original lyric was absolutely devastating. She called the girl C-List and a slut in one brilliant phrase. But we all know Tay is v afraid of cancellation (she also didn’t have the artistic conviction to stand by the scale reading “fat” in her recent Anti-Hero music video when fans got offended), so it’s unfortunately no surprise.
Britney Spears’ memoir has a release date! Her first book since the conservatorship, The Woman in Me, hits shelves October 24th. It was reportedly bought for $15M. . .wonder how much Jamie Lynn is getting paid for her trash Zoey 101 reboot.
How To Tell Your BF You Don’t Want to See Oppenheimer
{TODAY’S DATE}
{YOUR NAME}
Greetings, {BOO / BABE / TWIN FLAME}
I hope this note finds you {WELL / CRUSHING IT ON EXCEL/ DEMOLISHING A FIFTH GRADER AT FIFA}.
I’m writing to inform you that I, your hot and supportive {SO / TOXIC MUSE / UNDEFINED LOVE INTEREST} will not be attending the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer with you this week.
I understand that you {MINORED IN FILM AT UCONN 11 YEARS AGO/ HAD AN INCEPTION POSTER IN YOUR CHILDHOOD BEDROOM / ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT THINGS THAT GO BOOM} and for that reason, you believe you have a unique, one-of-a-kind appreciation for films of this nature that you wish to share with me.
While your unbridled fanboy spirit is admirable, it does not align with my vision for the evening, nor should I be subjected to your {TOTALLY ORIGINAL INSIGHTS ABOUT CHRIS’ OEUVRE / CRUSH ON EMILY BLUNT}.
Instead, I could optimize those three hours for {LEARNING TO POACH AN EGG / FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO THE SECOND AVATAR MOVIE / TRAINING MYSELF TO WRITE WITH MY TOES IN CASE I’M EVER KIDNAPPED}.
I know that this is not the news you were hoping to hear. If you need to take a moment to {BREATHE / SHED A SINGLE TEAR / MAKE THE FACE FROM THE JAMES VAN DER BEEK MEME}, I recommend you do so now.
Within the hour, a representative from our Human Resources team, Cooper the labradoodle, will put time on your calendar to address any questions you may have.
Please understand, this is not a reflection of your performance as a partner, but merely a strategic reallocation of emotional labor.
I hope we can move forward in peace and harmony and I wish you the best in your brave, solo filmgoing endeavors.
With love,
{NAME}
{SIGNATURE}
P.S. Still on for Barbie at 8 tonight? See you there xx.
Last week my Caught Red-Handed interview series with Byline featured Gracie Wiener, the mastermind behind last summer’s ironic boat & tote. We talked about cursed restaurants, animal TikTok, and dad rock.
These 2023 Barbies Are Stressed, Depressed, And Hate Their Fucking Jobs
Barbie was deemed the movie of the summer as soon as the first shots of Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling in their neon roller gear hit the streets this time last year.
The film promises a feminist take on the iconic blonde, so we took the liberty of sending Mattel our pitches for 12 new career Barbies that accurately represent today’s working women. And while Astronaut Barbie and Zoologist Barbie are amazing aspirations, we think it’s time that we ground today’s youth in reality. How many astronauts does the average person actually know??
From Pyramid Scheme Barbie to BuzzFeed Barbie, our collection celebrates the existential dread that comes with writing quirky Instagram captions for Warby Parker all day to earn your supper.
JP Morgan Analyst Barbie
This Barbie makes 3x your paycheck, but is never away from her desk long enough to spend it! She wants to find her Ken by 30, but the only sheets she spends time in belong to Excel. Hobbies include catching up on sleep, 5am Barry’s classes, and relaxing for a total of 30 hours at her Barbie Hamptons House before heading back to the office.
What she’s wearing: Cole Haan loafers, coffee-stained blazer, Rolex Submariner
Included accessories: Spilled coffee mug, two iPhones, The League app
GRWM TikToker Barbie
This Barbie lives rent-free in a West Village one-bedroom that looks like she hit one-click-buy on the entire Anthropologie catalog. She does her nose contour under a beauty filter while telling her army of followers a relatable story about when her luggage got lost on a brand trip in Dubai, Postmates her iced coffee, and thinks keeping her sweaters in her oven makes her look like Carrie Bradshaw.
What she’s wearing: Micro sunglasses, Aritzia crop top, Merit balm blush
Included accessories: Ring Light, $11 Cha Cha Matcha, Closed Captions
ASMR TikToker Barbie
This Barbie made her first ASMR video as a joke in the bedroom of her childhood home while she searched for her first post-college job. But it went viral, and now she spends every evening live streaming herself tapping on glass bottles with her insanely long nails, brushing a wig on a mannequin, and whispering “Chesapeake” into a microphone. She just has to figure out how to convince employers that “generated tingles for 3 million consumers” is relevant job experience for their entry-level sales position.
What she’s wearing: Static press-on nails, H&M hoodie, blue light glasses (for tapping purposes only)
Included accessories: Head massager, Blue Yeti mic with pop filter, kinetic sand
Barista Barbie
This Barbie thought grad school was a good idea and was sorely mistaken. In between classes, she picks up shifts at a coffee shop where you’re trained to glare at customers who ask for regular milk. Her Ken won’t stop playing the mandolin.
What she’s wearing: Ochre beanie, cafe apron, Doc Martens
Included accessories: Untouched copy of Finnegan’s Wake, social justice infographic, New Yorker tote
Publicist Barbie
This Barbie thought her life would be like Samantha Jones in Sex and The City, but she spends her whole day putting crinkle paper in PR boxes and her whole night running a launch party for a new flavor of greek yogurt. (The flavor is papaya, and her client thinks it will “break the internet.”)
What she’s wearing: Madewell shirt dress, Sam Edelman slides, black Gucci Marmont Shoulder Bag (she could only afford the mini)
Included accessories: Ban.do day planner with “You’ve Got This” on the front, Stanley water bottle in Rose, White Chocolate Macadamia CLIF Bar
Pyramid Scheme Barbie
This Barbie helps other boss babe Barbies take charge of their destiny and make unlimited income, all while working from their Tuscaloosa Dream House that they share with their lazy high school sweetheart Brian.
What she’s wearing: LuLaRoe leggings (galaxy print), Avon red lipstick, Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume
Included accessories: Rampant credit card debt, Honda Civic, DIY acrylics set
Fashion Assistant Barbie
This Barbie averages 17,000 steps a day from hauling garment bags across town in a pair of her mom’s half-a-size-too-big Manolos. She always manages to get a FOMO-inducing Instagram story during NYFW, but what’s not pictured is her crawling around on all fours picking up bobby pins off the dressing room floor and crying on FaceTime with her boyfriend after Christian Siriano screamed that she’d “never work in this town again.”
What she’s wearing: Low-rise men’s GAP jeans (from DePop), a black elastic headband that she repurposed as a tube top, Frankie Shop oversized blazer
Included accessories: Balenciaga City bag, mini Native deodorant, mushroom coffee
Peloton Instructor Barbie
This Barbie was voted “loudest” in her high school yearbook and now teaches spin class to a gaggle of Tribeca Mommy Barbies complaining they need the fans turned up or the music turned down. Hobbies include counting her macros, finding an empty studio for a quickie with her coworker Jayden, and imitating the accents from Love Island.
What she’s wearing: Matching Lululemons, pop star headset, the Gucci Oura Ring
Included accessories: Joe & The Juice loyalty card, Dyson AirWrap, Le Labo Candle (Palo Santo 14)
BuzzFeed Barbie
This Barbie used to get her kicks writing quizzes like, “Which One of Gerard Butler’s Massive Bulges Are You?” but got fired three months ago when leadership found out she was trying to organize a union. Now, she’s seriously considering replying to a DM from Pyramid Scheme Barbie.
What she’s wearing: Northwestern Crew Neck, skinny jeans, Apple Watch (from the company holiday party)
Included accessories: “Let’s Taco ‘Bout It” Phone Case, Lexapro, Trader Joe’s Frozen Chicken Tikka Masala
Former Bachelor Contestant Barbie
This Barbie thought it would be a brilliant post-show move to start a Bachelor recap podcast with her castmate Lauren C., until she realized it’s actually kind of a lot of work, and sponsors aren’t chomping at the bit to work with the 5th and 9th place runner-ups. Now, she’s harassing the show’s producers every other day to get an invite to Paradise while training for the NY Marathon as a back-up, since that’s a surefire way to get some Instagram likes.
What she’s wearing: LoveShackFancy midi dress, green Bottega Jodie bag, Golden Goose sneakers
Included accessories: LikeToKnowIt integration, Raya, pint of Halo Top
Nonprofit Barbie
This Barbie is committed to helping make Barbie World a better place, but can’t seem to help herself escape a toxically positive work environment where she hasn’t gotten a raise in four years and has to split her Sweetgreen between lunch and dinner to afford her rent. Plus, she always gets roped into recurring donations from Barbie Canvassers, because she’s too nice to just keep walking.
What she’s wearing: AOC t-shirt, cloth headband, Tevas
Included accessories: Overnight oats, carabiner, Burt’s Bees lip balm
NYC Intern Barbie
This Barbie is paying $6,000 to live with two other Barbies in a forced triple NYU dorm room with no air conditioning so she can intern at a Soho art gallery to “make connections.” She will 100% mess up your Chopt order, and is def dipping out early to hit the happy hour at Phebe’s. Oh, and she’ll be “out sick” on Monday — she’s coming down from a k-hole after her “transcendental” Saturday at Mr. Purple.
What she’s wearing: MANGO floral print pants, a cocky amount of midriff, Catbird Forever Bracelet
Included accessories: a tobacco-flavored Juul, dragonfruit vitamin water, reusable glass straw
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part I
Listening: My girl Billie Eilish’s new Barbie single.
Reading: “Everything to Know About the Possible SAG-AFTRA Strike That Will Shut Down Hollywood” (Harper’s Bazaar)
Such a fun read, Emma. Thank you