Do you want an Oscar as much as a baby?
Kylie & Timmy's Smooch, Joe & Sophie's Divorce, and Kim's AHS Trailer
PSA that Starbucks is buy one get one free on Fall drinks today after 12pm, and every Thursday for the rest of September. That means you get to feel happiness today AND tomorrow. Especially important in this outlandish NYC heat that is terrorizing our gentle psyches.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Joe Jonas files for divorce from Sophie Turner. I still remember Sophie saying on Fallon how on the night she met Joe at a friend hang at her apartment, she drunk cried when he left because she knew he was the one.
Well NOW, the father of her two children is having his team tell TMZ that she’s a party animal who isn’t present enough at home with the kids (and old ET Canada interview strongly suggests otherwise). You think you know someone and then they merc you in the ‘loids!
On TOP of that, there’s a rumor that Joe overheard Sophie say something or saw her do something on their Ring Doorbell camera that was “the last straw” for him. Ring Doorbell needs to seize this opportunity And Just Like That style and have Sophie star in a commercial where she’s in a hot tub with some sexy dude talking about how Ring gives her peace of mind so she can “live in the moment.”
Joey King gets married. The C-list (?) Kissing Booth star married an even less famous actor named Steven Piet in a small ceremony in Spain.
My primary association with her is those TikToks where people text their friends that they look like Joey King and they get so pissed off. If I was famous and that happened to me I would spend the next 12 months in a self-induced prison/detox/psychiatric hold at The Ranch Malibu.
And so did Kristen Chenoweth. She’s really doing God’s work showing that there’s still hope for aging singles (if you’re attractive and wealthy). She got married for the FIRST time at 55 over the weekend, tying the knot with musician Josh Bryan, nearly 15 years her junior.
Kim K’s full trailer for American Horror Story: Delicate drops. It’s revealed that she’s playing some sort of high-powered awards publicist for her movie star client, played by AHS heavyweight Emma Roberts. You just know that Kris is reeeeeeeeeeling.
Kristin Cavallari launches a podcast. It’s called Let’s Be Honest with Kristen Cavallari and it’s gonna be so #real and #raw.
What is happening at Dear Hannah Prep? This is like the new Bama Rush Tok. My feed is flooded with videos from and about a Texas boutique called Dear Hannah Prep, where four adorable pre-teens called “The Quad” film videos in sequin skirts and neon bucket hats.
The account is being engineered by controversial influencer Gab_NYC, who promises that the teeny bopper ambassadors aren’t working long hours, although it’s still unclear how they are being compensated, which is what the internet is in a fuss about. People feel like Gab was really flippant in response to the concerns from followers, but I’m kinda like, it’s not like these girls signed some blood oath…they could quit if they wanted, and they’re probs just happy to get free clothes and make videos with their friends.
Either way, if these kids were on my FYP when I was growing up, I would have gotten an eating disorder ten years earlier!
25 Conversation Starters To Fill Kylie And Timothée's Awkward Silences
The immediate first thing I did on Tuesday morning when the Kylie Timmy makeout news broke was start brainstorming how in the world they could hold a conversation in between smooches.
Luckily, Betches was kind enough to give my psycho ideas a home, including my contentious question: Would you rather only be able to eat stone fruits for the rest of your life, or only be able to drink Sunny-D for the rest of your life? I polled my Instagram and my group chat, which sparked firey debate, so I’m widening the scope of discussion to you all now.
The Kylothée romance has been both messy and mysterious, like a centaur that had too many PBRs at a bonfire kickback. Earlier this summer there were rumors of a split between the two incongruous hotties, but that narrative was quickly dispelled, mirroring the classic middle school trope where you break up with your boyfriend before homeroom but are back together by the time PE rolls around.
Last night in LA, the duo shocked the nation when they made their public debut, sucking face in the VIP section at the Beyoncé concert. Which begs the question, if these two crazy kids are in this for more than just a casual summer fling, what on God’s green earth do they talk about? What could a lip kit mogul and an Oscar-nominated wunderkind possibly have in common?
To quell our collective curiosity and find some inner peace, I brainstormed 25 topics and conversation starters for Hollywood’s newest mismatched lovebirds:
Would you rather only be able to eat stone fruits for the rest of your life or only be able to drink Sunny-D for the rest of your life?
How they each would have personally escaped Burning Man
The most embarrassing song choices they’ve seen celebs use on Raya
The dueling perks of their favorite Illuminati-level elite credit cards
Timothée’s fanboy questions about the various rappers Kylie has hooked up with
If Elon or Zuck would win in the cage fight, and how many millions of dollars they would bet on the outcome
Impressions of Bad Bunny telling Kendall to watch out for mosquitos
A Q&A about the nuanced geopolitics of the Dune cinematic universe
Their best posing strategies for avoiding a double chin in pap shots
Would you rather get dragged on DeuxMoi every day for six months, or never get mentioned again
The difference between lip oil and lip plumper
Timothée’s vulnerable story about those NYU chlamydia rumors
Kylie’s empowering story about her decision to get lip filler
Exotic animals they’ve considered buying as pets (Kylie: Python; Timothée: Capybara)
If the Oscars’ ceremony is really as boring as it looks
If they had to create their own Ocean’s 11-style heist crew, which of their celebrity friends they would enlist
How Kris would give her pinky toe for Timothée to appear on season 3 of The Kardashians
If Drake is as corny IRL as the memes suggest
Ranking the private rooms of every Nobu location
Would you rather only be able to text with your toes, or only be able to drive with your elbows?
Their favorite strains of weed (Timothée: Ice Cream Cake; Kylie: They’re all the same)
How long they think they’d last on Hot Ones
A pitch for a Willy Wonka-themed Kylie Bar that makes your butt grow three sizes
Which celebrities are secretly flat earthers
Do you ever think about dying?
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Guys, I don’t know. The Nun II? I haven’t even seen The Nun I but the theaters are DISMAL these days.
Listening: GUTS!!!!
Reading: “Chaos, Comedy, and ‘Crying Rooms’: Inside Jimmy Fallon’s ‘Tonight Show’” (Rolling Stone)
Timothée is so capybara