Cry me a river
Emily Blunt's Apology, Hasan's Meltdown, and Corporate Jargon
Happy Halloweekend! I seriously think Halloween parties are only fun if you have enough disposable income to buy an overpriced costume (I don’t) or if you’re skinny enough to just “throw something on” (I’m not).
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Emily Blunt apologizes for old interview clip about Chili’s. In a resurfaced Jonathan Ross interview from 12 years ago, Emily discusses an encounter where she was recognized at Chili’s, referring to the waitress who identified her as “enormous.”
In her apology, which I seriously hope Hollywood publicists circulated in their group chat, she admitted that she was “old enough to know better,” which is so refreshing since the party line for mistakes like these tends to be “I was so young and stupid.”
More importantly, what on Earth did Emily Blunt order at Chili’s?? The guiltless grill??
Hasan Minhaj finally responds to that New Yorker article. Earlier this fall, The New Yorker published a sort-of exposè on comedian Hasan Minhaj, alleging that the former Daily Show correspondent greatly exaggerated and/or fabricated instances of racism in his Netflix stand-up specials Homecoming King and The King’s Jester.
In the article, he pretty much unapologetically owns that he exaggerated events from his life for the sake of comedy and storytelling, but he’s now released a twenty-minute video disparaging the piece and the New Yorker fact checkers, complaining that they left out key details from his testimony in order to further their own storyline (ironic).
Celebs need to just shut up!! He’s probably freaking out because he’s worried his rumored Daily Show hosting gig is going to get taken away now that he’s been painted as an unreliable narrator, but if you have to tell audiences “I’m not a psycho” like three times, it makes you look like a pyscho!!
Britney Spears reveals her side of the story with Justin Timberlake. Her memoir The Woman in Me is already the top-selling celebrity memoir ever, which means we also got the TRUTH about her 3-year relationship with the frosted-tipped menace Justin Timberlake.
Meryl Streep has also been in a secret separation. Her team decided that the onslaught of fucked up Jada relationships news was a good time to quietly drop the fact that Meryl and her husband Don Gummer have also been separated for the past 6 years in their 45-year marriage.
I guess she was probs just being classy keeping it to herself? But now that we know. . .Celebrity Golden Bachelorette???
Lupita Nyong’o is the latest celeb breakup casualty. And it’s actually kind of dramatic and not chill! Here’s a snip of the statement she posted to her Instagram:
“There are much more important things going on in the world right now, and my thoughts are with those who are deeply suffering. At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust. . .I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception.”
She was dating a non-famous sports commentator named Selema Masekela (he has like 100K followers, embarassing), and he either cheated on her or stole money from her to buy more ugly button-downs.
Tom Brady and Irina Shayk break things off. Thank God! Tom is def Kim’s celebrity crush and my girl will not be sidelined.
Plus, Kim just launched SKIMS for men. She kicked off the new men’s collection with three major athletes: Nick Bosa, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Neymar Jr.
Seems like a pretttttty organic fit for a collab with the Brady brand! #Mastermind?
And Kylie drops a new clothing line, Khy. Kylie! Please stop. Kylie Swim was a disaster, and now you’re expecting people to trust you with hundreds of dollars for a Freddy Krueger trench coat?? Not happening.
A Corporate Jargon Glossary to Help You Process Your Existential Dread
Not pop culture related so apologies, but probably one of my fave things I’ve ever written, and unfortunately relatable to all who toil.
Absolutely (adverb)
The go-to answer to any request from a client or manager, while you internally cringe at the stupidity of their ideas.
Can we get 5,000 kittens to fall from the sky during our launch moment for our new skin-softening SPF lotion?
Absolutely.
Action Item (noun)
An action item is a dressed up way of saying “task.” It was created by people who failed the LSAT as a way of convincing themselves that their backup career as a communications strategist is special and important.
Shelly, did you remember to pass around Deb’s birthday card?
Yes, it’s on my action items for today, along with flirting with Sean from accounting.
Aligned (noun)
This is the only acceptable way to denote agreement, like we’re all living in our own separate universes that need to align in order restore peace to the multiverse. You might feel tempted to say, “I’m down with that,” or “cool with me!” but you must resist the urge, or all of your colleagues will slowly turn to look at you with a mixture of fear and contempt, like a gaggle of robot Stepford Wives.
So, should we fire Mark? That guy sucks ass.
I’m aligned.
Bandwidth (noun)
Your capacity to take on more deliverables, AKA a corporate dick measuring contest for hardos.
Does anyone have bandwidth to help with the Gelinsky case?
Ugh, I’ve been clocking in 80 hour weeks, I have zero bandwidth.
Really? ‘Cause I slept at the office last night and showered in the sink. I have negative infinity bandwidth.
Core Values (noun)
Pretty words that your company pretends to believe in, in case the CFO’s private jet emissions are ever leaked to the press.
How do you embody the firm’s core values of empathy, integrity, and inclusion?
By refraining from smashing my computer screen with a sledgehammer every time one of you idiots asks me a highly Googleable question.
Deep Dive (noun)
Conducting basic internet research on an industry topic and packaging it up like a PhD dissertation to make your boss think you’re worth your paycheck.
Your deep dive on the resurgence of low-rise jeans was incredible!
Thanks, I got most of it from TikTok.
Downtime (noun)
A myth that you will at some point in the near future have zero assignments on your plate, and instead of using that hypothetical free time to catch up on Below Deck, you’ll enthusiastically jump into pointless busy work.
Maybe when you have some downtime you can reorganize the product closet.
Great, can I bring my pet unicorn with me?
Excited (adjective)
You’re going to live and die by the word “excited.” It’s a non-negotiable corporate nicety. While we mutually understand that no one is ever excited about anything, ever, it must be said, like when two white people pass each other on a hike and offer a breathy “hi,” with an accompanying half-smile.
Thanks everyone for joining this brainstorm on social media concepts for our client’s new AI-driven cloud computing software.
You got it, Chelsea. Super excited to dive in!
Face Time (noun)
A calculated effort to get one-on-one time with your boss so you can ask her questions about her kids’ birthday parties in the hopes that she’ll eventually warm to you and give you more money.
Ugh, my jaw hurts from all the fake smiling I had to do in my 1×1 with Rebecca.
They call it face time for a reason.
Fire Drill (noun)
An emergency situation that causes you to snap at your colleagues and maybe throw a stapler at an intern.
Did you see that Sophie Turner unfollowed Priyanka Chopra on Instagram?
No, I had a fire drill this morning when my client accidentally posted a pic from his Furry Convention to main.
Good Catch (noun)
A way to avoid admitting fault when a colleague corrects one of your fuck-ups.
Hey! Looks like you left the client on CC on that email where you called the campaign assets uglier than Steve Buscemi in an Ariel wig. I just removed her from the chain.
Ah, good catch!
In The Weeds (noun)
This term unfortunately has nothing to do with gardening, and everything to do with getting caught up in the small details of a project. Similar to bandwidth, it’s typically used to signify how critical you are to an organization that wouldn’t blink twice if you fell into an Insidious-style coma.
Should we go cry in the bathroom?
I wish. I’m so in the weeds with this merger. Oh, by the way, your job is about to become redundant, so you might want to reactivate LinkedIn premium.
Lunch & Learn (noun)
An opportunity to eat a free Pret A Manger salad wrap while the CEO’s friend from college gives a talk about audience segmentation while you zone out.
I’m so glad there’s a lunch & learn today — I spent $87 on espresso martinis last night.
Low-Hanging Fruit (noun)
Layups that don’t have the strongest ROI, but give the appearance that you’re taking at least some measure of initiative instead of just twiddling your dick.
Should we show face at the Celebrating Men in Leadership mixer?
Yeah, it’s low-hanging fruit.
Manage Up (verb)
An excuse for your boss to set ridiculous deadlines, give unclear directions, and ignore your Slack messages. It’s on you to manage up!
These updates to the deck look terrible.
On slide 5 you said you wanted more cowbell, but on slide 7 you said you wanted less, so I found the feedback to be contradictory.
Well, I’m gonna need you to manage up next time.
Merit Increase (noun)
A 2-5% pay increase that barely adjusts your salary for cost of living and inflation. Your boss will swear up and down that he “pushed so hard for this” (AKA sent one email to finance) in an attempt to guilt you into feeling grateful for the bare minimum instead of pursuing a counter.
Did you hear back on your merit increase this year? Mine is 3%.
Does that even cover an extra Starbucks per month?
No.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: The Killer
Listening: “Friendships in Horror Movies” on What About Your Friends
Reading: “The Makings of a Literary It Girl” (NYLON)
For Khy read Whyyyy. As ever, love it. 🤝
Oh Jesus-I thought all this stupid jargon was just in the education world. I cannot stand it!