Be as fake as much as possible
The first thing I did this morning was sign up for the MoviePass waitlist — it took like 45 tries so clearly the demand is high. I don’t know what to expect from their comeback. It will either be chaotic for them, because they don’t know how to run a business, or chaotic for me, because I will spend an ungodly amount of time at the Regal Kaufman Astoria.
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
I feel like marketing for movies was so much more visceral in the 2000s, especially as a kid. We were inundated with the same previews over and over during American Idol commercial breaks, and the scary ones were the best because you felt like you were getting a backstage pass to something you weren’t supposed to see. Sometimes we’d just binge a bunch of horror trailers on YouTube when we got bored of playing Wii Tennis.
In 2009, the Orphan movie had cultural clout among the middle school community. I’m not sure if the intended adult audience watched it, but it was a hot commodity at sleepover parties when it came out on DVD.
The original film tells the story of a 10-year-old traumatized Orphan who’s adopted by some wealthy suburbanites. The catch??! She’s a psychopath with killer tendencies, and her new family will pay the price. No good deed goes unpunished, amiright?
Now nearly 15 years later, Hollywood created a prequel called Orphan: First Kill (it’s only done $3.5M at this box office this week, if that tells you anything). Because of the emotional impact the original movie had on my pre-teen years, I decided I had to give it a go.
The logline: A murderous Russian psychiatric patient escapes from her asylum and cons her way into an American family, posing as their missing child.
What else?: The most interesting aspect is that Isabelle Fuhrman, who played the Orphan in the original film when she was 12, reprises her role for the prequel even though she’s 25 now. Despite some clever camera work, she obviously looks like she could legally knock back a couple PBRs, but you kind of let it slide for the bit.
Julia Stiles is also in it as the mom, and she told Time that she had to wear 8-inch stilettos to look taller than the Orphan, which was “her biggest acting challenge” since she’s already 5’8 and they made her walk like a “baby giraffe.”
The yasses:
I love a missing child returns arc. They’re creepy, because the family wants to be overjoyed, but there’s that gnawing sensation that something is off. Did anyone else watch the swiftly canceled psychological thriller “The Family” on ABC in 2016? Same vibes.
They also pull off a really clever twist at the end of Act I that rivals the twist in the OG film. I wasn’t even anticipating a twist at all given the general laziness of reboots, so my expectations were exceeded.
The nasses:
The movie is more funny than scary. I famously don’t do drugs, so much like in the sixth grade, I was hoping for a good old fashioned chill down my spine so I could feel a little bit alive.
My roommate described it as “so fucking dumb” and potentially “offensive to orphans.”
Closing thoughts: If you have a few hours and a Paramount Plus subscription, why not have an Orphan double feature night? Could be cute.
★★☆☆☆
Viral Bible
Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.
I know a lot of people aren’t huge fans of Olivia Wilde, but she was my first celeb crush when she was on House so part of me feels vindicated that Harry Styles, who was just named “The Most Wanted Man in the World” by Rolling Stone, agrees with 15-year-old me. Clearly I was onto something!
Olivia’s cover interview with Variety dropped yesterday in promotion of her upcoming film “Don’t Worry Darling,” where the behind the scenes drama has taken centerstage (I’m vomming that I just wrote that sentence, but I am severely hungover).
If you missed it, the set of DWD is where Olivia is rumored to have cheated on Jason Sudeikis with Harry Styles, allegedly causing tension with lead actress Florence Pugh who felt like Olivia was too distracted by her new boy toy to properly direct the film. Since then, there’s been disagreement between the two about the film being positioned too sexually, as well as the overall suspicious lack of promotion and engagement from Florence for this huge A-list movie, indicating that the beef is far from braised.
So Olivia does this interview, obvi trying to take back the narrative. Drama aside, my favorite part of interviews is always the beginning where they talk about their outfit and the food they’re eating — in this instance, it’s ratty Converse, smudged eyeliner, and remnants of dried clay from pottery class with a lunch of cucumber and egg salad sandwiches. I always wonder what I would order in that scenario, since you know they’re going to comment on it — do you try to seem like a cool girl and “polish off a bacon cheeseburger with a satisfied smirk” or do you conspiratorially convince the editor to split the oyster tower with a devilish glint in your eye? The possibilities are endless!
Anyway, here’s what we learned from the story:
On getting served custody papers during CinemaCon: Despite Jason Sudeikis denying any knowledge that Olivia would be served on stage during a speech, Olivia makes it known that she viewed the move as calculated and intentional. She tells Variety about all the clearance the Servers would have needed to make it to the stage which would have required advance coordination, but she’s not even surprised because “there’s a reason [she] left that relationship.”
On firing Shia LaBeouf: While Harry Styles was the director’s first choice to play Jack, he was conflicted out, which is how Shia was initially cast. I don’t really see how you go from wanting to cast a world-renowned pop star and sex symbol to settling for someone you’d find lurking outside a 7-Eleven. But Olivia viewed Shia’s process as “combative,” standing in the way of the safe environment she was trying to create — ironic that the white guy is combative on the set of a film about white supremacy misogynists.
On Florence Pugh: Olivia was originally attached to the project as Alice, the female lead, but she envisioned Jack and Alice as a younger couple. If she were to play Alice, she’d need to increase the age bracket (again more irony since now she’s dating Harry), so she ultimately passed the torch to Florence. She talks about how incredible Florence is, but Florence fuels the flame by declining to comment for the story, with her publicist citing her Dune shoot as rationale for her inability to write a two sentence email.
On Harry Styles: She doesn’t say anything that interesting about their relationship, but the editor notes that she goes on a fourteen minute tangent about how we’re all complicit in a system that pits women against each other (not wrong). The 14-minute callout is lowkey rude but also lowkey funny — the editor was clearly like, this is Variety not The Atlantic, keep it moving.
My friend and I were DMing about this, and the shadiest part of the whole thing is that on the actual Variety cover, they wrote “She’s So Golden” in reference to the Harry Styles song. Totally undercutting her accomplishments and relevance as an up-and-coming director. They’re just like, in case you forgot, she’s dating Harry Styles. Don’t worry darlings, we remembered!!!
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
Last month I complained about food-themed beauty collabs, but if Rihanna wants to do it, who am I to criticize? Fenty is teaming up with MSCHF, the same team behind the ill-fated Lil Nas X Satan Shoes and the recent Eat The Rich popsicles, to create a $25 drop of Ketchup themed makeup. If you snag the drop, you’ll either receive the Fenty Glossbomb Lip Gloss in ketchup packets, or literal ketchup.
Goopy Gwen announced this week that she’s joining the next season of Shark Tank as a guest shark (true friends know I’ve seen every episode of Shark Tank because I live for American Dream content). It’s gonna be hysterical seeing her try to relate to all the peasant products — imagine Gwyneth investing in Scrub Daddy? She could never.
Last night, Barbie Ferreira officially called it quits on Euphoria. Unsurprising given her widely speculated feud with writer/director/creator Sam Levinson, who essentially wrote her out of season 2. That guy shouldn’t have that much autonomy and I can’t wait for her tell-all.
The guy from Gilmore Girls is ranting about how there was a relatively PG scene in the show twenty years ago where two female characters commented on his butt and how traumatic that was for him: “It’s disturbing, and it’s disgusting, and I had to endure that through that entire scene and many takes. It was all about the butt, the butt, the butt, the butt.” People on the street comment on my butt literally every day and I don’t get any residuals for it!
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: Selling The OC (Netflix)
Listening: Meghan Markle finally dropped her first episode of the Archetypes podcast on Spotify with Serena Williams as a guest.
Reading: “An Oral History of The Glee Project” (INSIDER) — I think I was one of the 500 people who religiously watched this show in 2009. If you were too, this is a wild read. Key quote: “I’m not selling my soul down the river for a seven-episode arc on Glee.”
