You’re lime green Jell-O
Celeb Food Collabs, Olivia's New Album, and Streaming Recs
The Low-Brow Lowdown
USA Today creates Taylor Swift reporter position. This feels like one of those fake jobs, like when Old Bay Seasoning hires a shitty PR firm that tells them to “hire” a consumer as “chief crab cake officer” so they can get one headline about their brand on Delish.com.
Anyway, this job is real, but they want applicants to submit a “video cover letter.” I’m sorry, even submitting a written cover letter is a stretch for me. And are you hiring a journalist or casting for Love Island? Have some respect.
Chris Evans celebrates coastal New England wedding weekend. He quietly married Portuguese actress Alba Baptista, with festivities on Cape Cod and at his Boston home.
They’ve only been dating for like a year so this is probz poorly advised. Why are people always so anxious to get married as soon as they feel like an ounce of love for another person? If you actually think you’re going to be with them forever you could wait like ten years, and in all likelihood, you would probably not be into them anymore at that point!
Speaking of Boston, Ice Spice signs on with Dunkin’. She’s the spokesperson for the new Ice Spice Munchkin Drink, which is a frozen iced coffee with pumpkin munchkins blended in at a whopping 830 calories.
Sounds horrifying! Because there’s no way employees are hand-crafting these drinks. This is a massive, pre-made batch of munchkin sludge sitting in a freezer for hours. Maybe I’ll be brave and do a taste test for you guys next week, if I don’t end up in the ER afterward.
Meanwhile, Renee Rapp snags a Sweetgreen partnership. This was kind of surprising to me because she’s…not that famous? IDK, I liked her new album, but I figured only retired theater kids listened to it.
Maybe she was down to do it for a good price because she’s desperate for any cash she can get to pay her fancy attorney to get her out of her HBO contract.
Anyway, like most celeb bowls, this one sucks. It’s like, the blandest ingredients ever because she has stomach issues. Why is that the consumer’s problem? I guess IBS Hive rise…?
Drew Barrymore takes heat amid Hollywood strikes. The daytime talk show has kicked off filming its 4th season, sans its WGA-affiliated writers. The show is currently being picketed, and two audience members were removed from a taping for wearing WGA pins that were handed to them on their way in.
Jamie Lynn Spears joins Dancing With The Stars, donates salary. Listen, good for her for donating her fee to SAG/WGA funds, but nothing she does will ever right her wrongs, except an unflinching apology to Britney!
Ashton and Mila make creepy hostage apology video. This is old news at this point, but ICYMI, Ashton and Mila got a lot of smoke for writing character letters on behalf of their old 70s Show co-star Danny Masterson during his rape trial.
They definitely didn’t think the letters would end up being public, so they addressed the blowback with a stilted, scripted, selfie apology video that really didn’t do anything to rectify the situation. It never ceases to amaze me that these A-list celebs have the best “teams” behind them, and they still manage to make things worse not better.
Jen Shah & Elizabeth Holmes are besties now. The Texas prisoners have apparently become close friends, and Liz even attends Jen’s prison workout class, “Sha-Mazing Abs.”
This is lowkey the best news I’ve gotten all week, so I’ll leave you with that.
Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘Guts’ Lyrics, Applied to My Boring 26-Year-Old Life
I’ve been listening to GUTS on repeat for daaaaaays. Betches commissioned me to translate the lyrics from a 19-year-old wunderkind pop star into terms that apply to not so glamorous lives of her 20-something fans. Enjoy!
“all-american bitch”
Lyric: I know my age and I act like it
Translation: Panicking when you get kicked off your mom’s insurance plan and calling your dad every tax season.
Lyric: I got class and integrity / just like a Goddamn Kennedy
Translation: Hosting a “dinner party” in your studio apartment where you make everyone Gin & Tonics for the first time instead of just passing around White Claws.
“bad idea, right?”
Lyric: I’m out right now and I’m all fucked up
Translation: Lying under a weighted blanket crying at a David Attenborough documentary about pandas that abandon their weakest offspring in the wild.
Lyric: I told my friends I was asleep / but I never said where or in whose sheets
Translation: Setting your phone to Do Not Disturb at 10:45pm so you can do the New York Times’ crossword in peace.
“vampire”
Lyric: Hate to give the satisfaction asking how you’re doing now
Translation: Needing an industry favor from someone you hated in college and having to pretend like you now care about their wellbeing for the sake of your job.
Lyric: Oh what a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked-up little thrill
Translation: The delicious schadenfreude of your work nemesis making an unfortunate typo in a client email.
“lacy”
Lyric: I feel your compliments like bullets on skin
Translation: Your boss responding to the slide deck you spent 12 hours on with “this is a great start!”
Lyric: Yeah, I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you
Translation: Convincing yourself NOT to make a secret Kieran Culkin fan account.
“ballad of a home-schooled girl”
Lyric: Each time I step outside, it’s social suicide
Translation: Binging Gen Z slang TikTok videos every night before bed to avoid admitting to yourself that you’ve crossed the threshold into “out of touch.”
Lyric: I hate all my clothes / feels like my skin doesn’t fit right over my bones
Translation: Spending $400 at the Everlane “sale” on more “forever pieces” essentially identical to the 17 others hanging untouched in your closet.
“making the bed”
Lyric: Another day pretendin’ I’m older than I am
Translation: Psyching yourself up to call the doctor’s office.
Lyric: And I’m playing the victim so well in my head / but it’s me who’s been makin’ the bed
Translation: Justifying ordering Wendy’s for dinner because “there’s no food at home.”
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: The Other Black Girl (Hulu) — I was planning to watch one or two episodes of this last night, I ended up watching EIGHT in a row with no breaks. Super addicting thriller that starts to fly off the rails towards the end, but I think it’s worth the watch if you have a weeknight to yourself that you need to fill.
Listening: Your Own Backyard — This is an older true crime pod that my sister recommended to me recently and I’ve been listening non-stop. It’s about an unsolved disappearance of a college student, and it’s incredibly well-researched and produced.
Reading: Glossy: Ambition, Beauty, and the Inside Story of Emily Weiss’s Glossier by Marisa Meltzer. This just came out this week, and I bought it immediately because I was half interested and half knew it would look really cute on my book shelf of cool girl books.
