Yo homie, is that my briefcase?
Old Movies, New Twitter, and Kim & Kourtney's Peace Treaty
I had the quietest Fourth of July weekend ever, spending most of my time watching random movies from the Paramount+ collection, as Paramount+’s one and only subscriber and proponent.
I watched Snowpiercer which was incredible, Source Code, Misery, and a Collateral rewatch, as you may have guessed from today’s subject line. Seriously, the Paramount/Showtime bundle is solid!!! Lots of variety, I use it way more than Netflix and Hulu combined.
Anyway, our stars were too busy getting blasted in the Hamptons this weekend to cause any real trouble, so our headlines are a bit meeker than usual.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Olivia Rodrigo graces the August cover of Vogue. In the cover story, she talks about her New York era while browsing a record store and eating halloumi at Cafe Mogador. Why is it always a record store and Cafe Mogador? This needs to be studied.
Meta launches Twitter rival, Threads. While Musk vs. Zuck: Cage Fight never came to pass, the boys can still be boys when it comes to wrestling for control of every existing eyeball in the world.
Elon Musk rolled out Twitter viewing limits on the app last week, capping unpaid users at a measly 600 tweets a day. With blood in the water, it was the perfect time for Zuck to soft launch Threads, a new app from Meta that’s being billed as a “Twitter killer.”
Your Threads account is linked to your Instagram, and automatically prompts you to follow the same people you follow on IG, so it’s much quicker to build up a base. There’s so many people who I never in a million years would have gone out of my way to follow on Twitter, but now I’m following them on Threads — like who is following their coworker from Dairy Queen nine years later, you know? It’s creepy.
Kyle Richards and her husband split up but didn’t divorce. News reports blitzed over the weekend that the couple was calling quits, but on Tuesday they released a joint statement admitting that they’d “had a rough year” but denying the divorce.
I don’t watch Bravo so I don’t really care, but Bravo people are hype rn, so be vigilant and aware of your surroundings.
Disgraced YouTuber / WWE fighter Logan Paul gets engaged. He proposed to his girlfriend Nina Agdal after a year of dating. Blurry Daily Mail photos speculate the ring is “well over” eight carats. Honestly impressed that they were relevant enough to get papped in Portofino - they probs called someone.
And speaking of disgraced celebs, Kanye West has a new work wife. The infamously antisemitic Ye has reportedly hired the controversial founder of America Apparel to be the new CEO of Yeezy. The guy is literally famous for jerking off in front of a reporter during an interview.
Settling Out Of Kourt: Kim & Kourtney’s Secret Peace Treaty Revealed
My latest for Betches really pushed my proficiency in legalese.
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After what feels like a year’s worth of teasers and promos, the much belabored Dolce feud between Kourtney and Kim finally came to a head on Thursday’s episode of The Kardashians.
When Kim arrived at Kourtney’s house to put the topic to bed (and also in bed, where the sisters choose to host most of their deep discussions, not weird) Kourtney was in the process of getting a gel manicure. She must have seen Alabama post an Instagram with the caption “unbothered 💅” and decided to enact a literal interpretation to assert dominance and throw Kim off her game.
Psychological warfare aside, the conversation was tame and muted, and the pair appeared to agree to disagree and move on with their lives. Which feels decidedly un-Kardashian.
I knew there had to be more to the story, which is why I contacted a source close to the family (😉) and received an exclusive copy of the legally binding settlement agreement between the sisters. To no one’s surprise, Kourtney had an extensive list of demands if Kim ever wanted to be graced by her pooshy presence again.
*FYI, to ensure I don’t get sued by Kris, I’m making it abundantly clear that this is a parody. Lord knows I can’t afford the legal fees.
SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND RELEASE
THIS SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND RELEASE (“Settlement Agreement”) is entered into between Kourtney Kardashian Barker, the most interesting to look at (hereinafter “Perfect Plaintiff”), and Kim Kardashian, former QuickTrim ambassador (hereinafter “Greedy Defendant”).
RECITALS:
A. On or about May 15, 2022, Greedy Defendant made a copycat business deal with Dolce & Gabbana at Perfect Plaintiff’s gorgeous and completely original Living La Dolce Vita wedding.
B. On or about February 25, 2023, Perfect Plaintiff expressed displeasure at Greedy Defendant’s Milan Dolce & Gabbana fashion show, and all of her many, very real friends agreed that it was a carbon copy of Perfect Plaintiff’s wedding and a totally weird thing to do.
C. The parties desire to enter this Settlement Agreement in order to squash the beef and breathe the same air without the threat of violence, upon the terms and conditions set forth herein.
AGREEMENT:
The parties hereto agree as follows:
I. Perfect Plaintiff reserves the first round draft picks on all holiday decor items, including, but not limited to, Christmas lights, matching pajama sets, wreaths, wrapping paper, snow globes, ornaments, stockings, Elf on the Shelf collabs, fuzzy socks, popcorn garlands, and Jeff Leatham flower arrangements.
II. Perfect Plaintiff relinquishes any and all bridesmaid duties in any and all future marital unions held by Greedy Defendant. Perfect Plaintiff has already done it three times which is frankly criminal, and she’d rather be home rocking out with Trav than on a grating bachelorette trip listening to La La Anthony butcher “Love In This Club” at a touristy karaoke bar in Cancún.
III. Greedy Defendant agrees to post a birthday Instagram tribute in celebration of Perfect Plaintiff in which Defendant looks noticeably and definitively worse. Deliverables include one (1) grid post and twenty-seven (27) tagged story frames.
IV. Greedy Defendant agrees to refrain from seeking damages if and when Perfect Plaintiff doesn’t schlep her kids to that janky Malibu house every time Greedy Defendant wants to have a family barbecue.
V. Greedy Defendant agrees to attend ten (10) kourt-appointed therapy sessions to figure out what deep-seated need causes her to never be satisfied with the billions of dollars she already has and instead choose to upstage her sisters at every turn and steal their sparkle.
VI. Perfect Plaintiff to receive seven (7) complimentary SKIMS maternity sculpting nursing bras.
VII. Greedy Defendant to return the jeans she stole from Perfect Plaintiff in the seventh grade and never gave back. They don’t fit, but it’s the principle.
VIII. Greedy Defendant agrees to host the next five (5) cousin sleepovers. Perfect Plaintiff doesn’t know how many more times she can feign interest in children’s slime creations.
This Settlement Agreement shall become effective on execution, at which time Greedy Defendant will utter the words “I’m sorry” and not mean it, and Perfect Plaintiff will say “thank you for apologizing,” and also not mean it.
________________
Kourtney Kardashian Barker
Perfect Plaintiff
________________
Kim Kardashian
Greedy Defendant
The foregoing release was explained to Greedy Defendant and executed in accordance with our directions and advice.
________________
North West, Esq.
Attorney for Greedy Defendant
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Past Lives — Yes, I should have seen this earlier, but I’m going today, okay!
Eating: I sound like a skipping Blu-Ray every time a new Sweetgreen salad drops, but the Summer BBQ Salad is a winner. I didn’t even have to make any customizations and normally I'm a customizations PSYCHO.
Reading: “The Pleasure, and The Peril, of a Hot Ones Party” (Grub Street)
