Why am I getting in trouble for napping?
The Golden Bachelor, Horses Scandal, and a Scandoval Syllabus
All I’ve been doing to decompress for the past week is watch vintage seasons of The Challenge — like the ones where everyone was so batshit that they would break chairs and throw people’s mattresses into the pool.
Then last night I watched Heat (1995) for the first time for some odd reason, which was incredible and made me want to rob a bank.
Anyway, that’s what’s been up with me. This week we have a lot to get into — breakups, makeouts, car chases, and the biggest restaurant scandal in recent history. Youdontwannamissit!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Meghan Markle & Prince Harry involved in dangerous pap car chase. And just in time for Fast X.
The 90-minute chase began the moment the couple got in their car after a gala, and included paparazzi running red lights, driving on the wrong side of the road, and driving the wrong way down one-way streets.
81-year-old Martha Stewart turned up the heat with Sports Illustrated. She appeared as one of four cover stars for the magazine’s iconic swimsuit edition, and it was very humbling for me as someone who’s allegedly in “the prime of their life.”
Meanwhile, sister covergirl Megan Fox discussed how she “struggles with body dysmorphia” despite having objectively the most perfect face and figure — like seriously, Megan Fox hates her body and Khloe Kardashian gets cheated on daily, what is is even the point of the rest of us trying.
America’s first gay bachelor, Colton Underwood, gets married. It’s kinda hard to be happy for him after the whole stalking Cassie situation, but wishing him the best. Also, Olivia Wilde was at the ceremony (??) and wore a wedding dress which Page Six thought was rude and she thought was funny.
Keith Urban accidentally spills the beans on Phoebo. In an innocent video of him and his much hotter wife, Nicole Kidman, dancing at the Eras concert, Keith inadvertently captured footage of what appears to be Phoebe Bridgers and Bo Burnham making out. Case closed!
Billie Eilish calls it off with old man Rutherford. They dated for a year, it “ended amicably,” and I never liked him! Why would any non-perverted man in his thirties want to date a 20-year-old? And that sweater weather song? Vom.
Selena Gomez channels Rachael Ray. After her HBO series Selena + Chef proved she’s totally qualified to host a cooking show, Selena’s been tapped by Food Network to lead two new series.
The first will focus on celebrations in the kitchen during the holidays, and the second with involve Selener hitting the road across this great nation to meet famous chefs and learn to cook their signature dish.
I’m really glad that she is living out her wish to not be famous with “100 hours” of new programming!
And speaking of fake chefs, The Bear star Jeremy Allen White gets divorced. His wife filed the papers last week after three years of marriage, and then went on to post an Instagram tirade about how hard it is to be a “single mom”. . . yikes.
The LA restaurant Horses is in some deep shit.
Now onto my favorite story of the week:
According to a report in the Los Angeles Times, a chef by the name of Elizabeth Johnson (my mom’s name!!) at the trendy Hollywood restaurant Horses, and her business parter / husband Will, have a boatload of cat skeletons in their closet.
In her divorce / restraining order filing, Liz alleges that Will is physically abusive, while also killing multiple of her cats over the years. Then Will filed a dueling restraining order of his own, claiming that Liz burned him with a spoon that she heated up in the air fryer. The forethought!!
This is CRAY. ZEE. Like have these people watched season 3 of You because they are basically Joe and Love if the bakery had gotten a little more screen time.
The Scandoval came to a head in last night’s VPR finale. As I’ve mentioned, one of my major flaws is not watching Bravo. I have no opinions to share, but here are some helpful links if you care to learn more:
“‘What Can I Not Handle at This Point?’ Ariana Madix on That Affair” (NYT)
“Inside How ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Captured the Scandoval” (Variety)
“‘Vanderpump Rules’ Finale Reveals Scandoval’s Brutal Aftermath” (Rolling Stone)
Chaotic Casting for The Golden Bachelor
I’m recycling content here, but this week I was #BookedAndBusy writing my first ever “professional” pieces (!!) for Betches and it took up all my newsletter time and ideas.
That said, I doubt any of you are scouring the Betches archives on the reg, so hopefully this will be new to you, with the exception of the several people I bragged about it to.
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“Hi, my name is Kyle. I’m 24 years old, and I’m ready to find my wife.”
If you’re even a fringe observer of Bachelor Nation, you’re familiar with some version of that oxymoronic statement. Our friends at The Bachelor HQ have a penchant for casting men in their early twenties as the lead of their flagship show, insisting to the audience that they’re mentally prepared and emotionally mature enough to handle a lifetime of commitment to Jessica M., a “business owner” who they’ve known for three weeks.
While fans have begged for a change of pace when it comes to casting leads (do we really need another white sales dude from Boulder?), they’ve been largely ignored. Until now.
This fall, the network will launch a long-awaited spinoff series, The Golden Bachelor, featuring a senior man looking to lock down a lover while he can still get it up.
No official word on casting has been shared, as well as no specifics surrounding what the word “senior” even means. Knowing that a 35-year-old is basically considered geriatric on a typical Bachelor season, are we talking like Pedro Pascal-level zaddy or more Warren Buffett vibes?
To help them navigate these unfamiliar waters, we put together our own zaddy wish list for consideration. Unfortunately, ABC gave me a stern warning to never contact them again.
Grandpa John, Gabby Windey’s Grandfather
There’s a lot of pressure for The Golden Bachelor to be a hit, so why not keep things in the family? Grandpa John, the grandfather of season 19 Bachelorette Gabby Windey, has already made multiple appearances in the franchise, getting better reviews in his two minutes of screen time than Clayton could muster all season.
With 50+ years of prior marriage experience, endless charm, and a passion for napping, all of us dingbats at home could feel confident that Grandpa John was there for the right reasons.
Matthew Perry, Famous Friend
He’ll be there for you! Or will he?
After a tumultuous road, Matthew Perry appears to be on his comeback tour, releasing his tell-all memoir last fall. He’s on his own journey of self-improvement, so just being in his presence will motivate you to be the best version of yourself. Especially when that means crushing Dolores and Arthur at doubles pickleball.
Tim Cook, CEO of Apple
Let’s face it, ABC has only cast a gay bachelor once before, and it was by total accident. That said, Tim Cook is one of the most eligible zaddies on the market and who wouldn’t watch the fuck out of this?
It’s Millionaire Matchmaker meets The Bachelor and sure, scheduling might be a tiny concern when you’re running a top Fortune 500 company, but who cares if the NASDAQ topples if it’s all in the name of love?
Mario Singer, Star of Real Housewives of New York
Mario and Ramona were essentially the homecoming king and queen of RHONY, but someone spiked the punch bowl and Mario got handsy with the head cheerleader.
If you don’t subscribe to the “once a cheater, always a cheater” mentality, Mario could be the guy for you, or at least provide a sick Hamptons house for you to live out your remaining years in quiet luxury.
Antonio Banderas, Spy Kids Actor
Imagine waking up to the sultry tones of Puss in Boots bringing you your cream of wheat in bed. Dancing the foxtrot with El Mariachi. An erotic sword fight with Zorro that ends with a broken hip. (Interpret that how you like!)
Antonio Banderas has played a slew of certified lover boys over the years, but his real life romances have failed to stay the course. As the Golden Bachelor, this could be Anty B’s last chance to meet his leading lady before his love life fades to black.
Randy Jackson, OG American Idol Judge
You know he would be able to hook you up with a wedding band that rivaled Sofia Richie’s. And since he probably picked up a few moves as the EP of America’s Best Dance Crew, you won’t be tempted to strangle him during the choreo lessons for your first dance.
Sir Karl Jenkins, the Meghan Markle Lookalike
Earlier this month, the internet lit up with a tongue-in-cheek conspiracy theory that an older gentleman attending King Charles’ coronation was none other than Meghan Markle in an elaborate disguise. The man in question turned out to be a 79-year-old Welsh composer by the name of Sir Karl Jenkins.
For girls who grew up daydreaming about getting swept off their feet by British royalty, if it hasn’t happened by age 65, it probably never will. But fear not, because Sir Karl could be the next best thing! He has a fancy accent, a baller mustache, is active on TikTok, and can definitely spin you a tune that’s much snappier than Jed’s dog food jingle.
Statler and Waldorf, “The Muppets” Elders
ABC set a dangerous precedent with Rachel and Gabby’s co-led season of The Bachelorette, so another best friend duo is totally fair game.
Statler and Waldorf are canonically cantankerous, making them a great match for a couple of Karens who’ve aged into their sunset years. And guess what: They’ve already planned their first double date! It’s aggressively heckling students at a college improv show.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Queenmaker: The Making of an It Girl (Hulu)
Listening: Speak Now. I’ve gotta prepare!
Reading: “Is ‘Jeopardy!’ a Sport? Its New EP Certainly Thinks So.” (The Ringer)
