We look forward to presenting our case in kourt
It’s fourth of July weekend, and I’m so relieved that for the first time in three years, I’m not spending the lead up desperately pitching assistant lifestyle editors to write about sunscreen and seltzer in their “long weekend must-haves” roundups while all any of us are really thinking about is the war on women and how fake this industry is.
On a lighter note, below are some of the distractions I’ve indulged in since we last spoke.
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
After listening to the Joe Rogan Podcast during my cross-fit workout, I poured a Natty Lite and turned on Netflix to see what they had to offer my demographic in the lull before the NFL pre-season.
Which brought me to Snowflake Mountain, a new Netflix reality show that evokes memories of vintage relics like A Simple Life, without quite the same charm.
The premise: 10 spoiled “snowflakes” who spend their days cocooned in Prada bathrobes eating Frosted Flakes in their parents McMansions are dropped into the middle of the woods to learn about self-responsibility and hard work.
The hosts: The snowflakes are captained by two Duck Dynasty knockoff Afghanistan vets, Matt & Joel, who use The Hurt Locker as a reference point for their professional expertise — but I’m curious if they would still enjoy that film if they knew it was directed by a woman.
The journey: The contestants are tasked with chores and survival challenges while spending a few weeks “in the wilderness,” — which is basically a full-blown glampsite. There’s boujie tents, a kitchen that’s nicer than most New York apartments, and they get chocolate and marshmallows as a reward on like, the second day.
Some of their early thoughts about slumming it at camp include:
“I hate walking, I try to avoid it at all costs – I don’t even know if I’ve walked up a hill before.”
“I need my lipgloss, I need my highlight, AND my contour.” This is from the same girl who pulls a beauty blender out of her jacket to dab sweat while climbing a tree.
“Like, legit, I’m touching branches.”
Best moment: One of the most graphic challenges brought us the most iconic image of the season: skinning a deer in Gucci sunglasses and a Balenciaga hoodie. Paris would be proud.
The ensuing controversy: The launch of the series follows Netflix’s defense of Ricky Gervais and Dave Chapelle’s standup specials, both of which included jokes involving the trans community.
As a result, many news outlets were quick to spot a content trend and deemed the show as “liberal bashing.” The Daily Beast describes it as “a desperate attempt to court conservatives viewers,” inviting “bigoted subscribers to mock a decidedly diverse group of young people introduced in the most stereotypical fashion.”
My uncultured take: The foundation of the show was definitely written with a middle America lens, and it may be true that the strategy was to win more centrist eyeballs in a pseudo Queer Eye lets-reach-across-the-aisle-and-bake-a-cake-full-of-rainbows-and-smiles type of way, but putting it in the same category as Ricky Gervais’ anti-trans comedy is a snowflakey stretch.
Flirty, Whole30 & Thriving
I can’t eat this, but how exciting is it to smell?
Today marks Day 18 of Whole30 which means — you guessed it — I’ve reached the onset of the elusive “Tiger Blood.”
As a refresher, Tiger Blood is the culty phrase used by the founders of Whole30 to denote the highly energized, craving-free euphoria you enjoy after passing the program’s halfway point. So basically, the Molly of the dieting world.
Honestly, I can’t say that I feel that different, but I have settled into more of a routine. I’ve gotten used to eating slabs of meat for lunch, mixing almond milk with my espresso, and a month ago I didn’t know what ghee was, but now I have it.
Plus, it’s fun walking around Trader Joe’s with a dainty little grocery cart strewn with raspberries and cashew yogurt like I’m a pretty pilates princess and not a gremlin of the LIC sewers.
But let me tell you, the lead-up to Tiger Blood ran rampant with some unnerving cravings. I’ve historically been a savory person, but over the past week I had hallucinations not of decadent profiteroles, but the most unrefined confections you can imagine:
The 12-pack of mini cupcakes you pass out for your classroom on your birthday in grade school that your mom bought from Shaw’s Star Market (Massachusetts reference), or whatever your regional grocery store was.
Cadbury Eggs, which are literally just filled with a swamp of chemicals.
The Dunkin’ Donuts Double Chocolate Donut, when we all know the only right answer is Strawberry Frosted.
We have 12 days left, and then I’ll finally talk to you about something other than sweet potato noodles and the best flavors of Lara Bars.
Money Talks
Credit card debt intensifies. . .
Some impulse purchases from the past month include:
That Girl Water Bottle — this has actually helped me drink a lot more water throughout the day, but unfortunately it does NOT make you look like the girls from TikTok. . .they should add a disclaimer to the packaging.
Nike Blazers — these have been in my cart since March so it’s actually not so much of an impulse.
Jade Roller — In pursuit of mitigating coke bloat.
My first limerick offer has been redeemed! 3 successful signups = 1 custom limerick.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
Thank the lord that Bill Hader and Anna Kendrick are over — I’m warming up to the interspecies relationship that is Kim and Pete, but Banna seriously disturbed me. There was also this Deux Moi blind recently that implied AK had leaked info about his alleged hookup with Kristen Wiig, and I’d like to think that that contributed to the breakup.
I fucking love Lindsay Lohan. Seeing her back in the game makes me so happy — she just partnered with Allbirds on a corny but adorable commercial and her raspy voice will literally make me buy anything. She looks SO GOOD too, so you get hit with the warmth of aughts nostalgia without that pang of melancholy you feel when a childhood fave has notably passed their prime.
Speaking of aging, grey hair warrior Sarah Jessica Parker is back with the rest of the cast of Hocus Pocus for a long-awaited sequel. She’s sporting the signature blonde curls in the trailer though, so I guess witches aren’t quite as brave as A-list celebrities.
I’m Kim’s #1 fan but I can’t get behind the new SKIMS sleep shirt that’s 100% underboob. You seriously have to have perfectly round plastic tits to pull this off — everyone else is going to look like a geriatric Winnie The Pooh.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: The One That Got Away (Amazon) — I’m kind of dreading this because I feel a little burned out on the reality front, but I’m committed to my craft which means I need to sit my fucking ass down and work.
Donating: National Network of Abortion Funds — funds travel and logistics for abortion seekers across the country.
Drinking: The Harmless Harvest Coconut Smoothie. The only ingredients are coconut water and coconut meat. It tastes like a cloud.
Reading: Dakota Johnson’s Vanity Fair Profile — she uses what on her face?
"Like legit, I'm touching branches" really was me on the hike. That show sounds wild!