Uncultured's Spring Movie Diary
What I Watched in Feb through April.
Happy Friday! This is a movie issue, and I am sooo excited to see Challengers tonight. I just know it is going to make me so depressed that I have the coordination of quadriplegic cabbage patch kid and can’t go play tennis.
Spring Movie Diary!
How to Have Sex
When high school friends Tara, Em, and Skye screech that their spring break trip to Greece will be “the best holiday ever,” we, the viewers, know it simply won’t be.
While the film’s primary Big Idea surrounds consent, and is largely pulled out without ever feeling like an after school special thanks to its lead actress Mia McKenna-Bruce, I found its other universal depictions of adolescence more memorable.
Particularly, Tara’s slowly deteriorating relationship with her friend, Skye. Skye is never mean enough to Tara to spark an actual rift or even attract uneasy glances from peripherals. Instead, she maintains an unimpeachable balance of quiet venom, poisoning Tara’s confidence and preying on her insecurities.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾
Double Feature: Palm Trees and Power Lines
Dune: Part II
I have to admit, I was truly out on the Dune universe before the sequel came. The marketing for the first movie was bad! “It’s about sand” and “nothing happens” were not encouraging sentiments.
I finally saw Part I when it was re-released in theaters, and I was like, “damn, I finally see what Kylie sees.”
I admit that it’s kind of wild that we needed the three-hour original movie purely to set up the world for Part II, but it’s worth it.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾👾
Double Feature: Tears of the Sun (the theme is white savior)
Problemista
After 20-something Alejandro loses his job at a cryogenics facility, he has 30 days to find a new employer to sponsor his visa, or he’ll have to leave New York and give up his dreams of becoming a bigshot toy maker.
He finds his way into the twisted web of nightmare boss Elizabeth (Tilda Swinton) who he assists on her crazed quest to recover her late husband’s portraits of eggs from across the tri-state area.
The pacing drags at times, but it’s a creatively told story that reminds us of the power of being assertive. And that we should totally bring the name Bingham back.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾
Double Feature: The Pursuit of Happyness
She Came to Me
Peter Dinklage plays a depressed man child / socially inept opera composer who’s married to an old money, type A psychiatrist (Anne Hathaway). When he has a rogue sexual encounter with a tugboat captain (Marisa Tomei), it inspires his next opera — but, unfortunately, the sex-addicted captain is in attendance.
If you’re intrigued, don’t be. The film is marketed like it’s going to be a sardonic version of Fatal Attraction, but truly nothing happens. Bamboozled!
Goblin Score: 👾👾
Double Feature: Knocked Up
Monkey Man
A really hot man (Dev Patel) goes on a chaotic revenge killing spree to avenge his mother. There’s some vague, half-baked Indian politics that are supposed to give the film a Deeper Meaning, but mostly it’s just great knife fights.
I also had the unique pleasure of watching this film next to a rambunctious couple that was probably on a third or fourth date, who were very disinterested in the plot and had full conversations during 65% of it. Here’s a snippet:
Girl: Are you enjoying the movie?
Boy: I’m enjoying you.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾👾
Double Feature: My friend and I actually watched Slumdog Millionaire after this (I had never seen it) and it was lolz. I can soooo see white people eating that shit up in 2008.
Civil War
In the not-so-distant future, a civil war breaks out, dividing America into factions. A vaguely Trump-like figure played by Nick Offerman is in his third term as president, and the military is actively gunning down its opposing forces.
That’s about as much context as you’ll get — the film is not interested in exploring the differing politics of the nation, explaining the rationale behind alliances, or what incited the conflict.
Instead, the focus is on a group of photojournalists capturing the harrowing images of brutality as they road trip their way to the White House to interview the president. It’s Spotlight meets The Purge meets Lady Bird.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾
Double Feature: Nightcrawler
The First Omen
A prequel to the Omen franchise, The First Omen follows a young nun-in-training in Rome who uncovers a plot from the church to birth the antichrist.
I won’t tell you too much more, but I will say there are some legitimately scary sequences in this film — it made my Letterboxd list of Movies I Was Actually Scared During! I was full armadillo mode — sucking in my stomach, hiding under my my coat, hands in Stefan position.
Goblin Score: 👾👾👾
Double Feature: Malignant
Watching: Challengers !!! I also might watch Conan’s new HBO show.
Drinking: Sip Me Baby, One More Time
Reading: “The Man Who Gossiped Too Much” (Vulture)