Uncultured's January Movie Diary
Goood evening!! This week a corporate influencer had to apologize for being too much of a girlboss, Taylor Swift got caught up in a right-wing conspiracy, and Alexa and Brennon from LIB announced the second franchise baby.
Also, Starbucks’ olive oil coffees are now available across the country. I’m too afraid to try, so someone LMK if you do.
Lastly, I got to write this super fun article about soup for Betches :) As they say, tag urself!!
Anyone But You
Vibe: Wattpad fan fiction starring the hottest people you’ll never meet.
10-Second Summary: Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell are enemies-to-lovers at an Australian destination wedding, with BTS cheating rumors that rival Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
What Works: Glen Powell, Meetcutes, Natasha Bedingfield
What Doesn’t: Sydney Sweeney (normally I like her but she’s not funny!), the press tour being better than the movie
Smash or Pass: Smash, on a Thursday night when your friend bails on drinks.
Dinner: Grilled Cheese
Double Feature: Set It Up (2018)
Ferrari
Vibe: Flawed man with an unstoppable mission movie.
10-Second Summary: In the summer of 1957, Enzo Ferarri puts together a team for a 1,000 mile road race, and also deals with his crazy wife and much younger baby mama.
Women! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, am I right lads?
What Works: Involuntary manslaughter, Penelope Cruz
What Doesn’t: Americans doing Italian accents, Shailene Woodley, 2+ hour runtime
Best Quote: “We all know it's our deadly passion. Our terrible joy. But if you get into one of my cars — and no one is forcing you to take that seat — you get in to win. Brake later. Steal their line. Make them make the mistake.”
Smash or Pass: Pass, but smash for dads.
Double Feature: Ford v. Ferrari (2019)
Godzilla Minus One
Vibe: Surprisingly heartfelt, WWII-era monster movie.
10-Second Summary: A Japanese kamikaze deserter atones for his guilt by defeating Godzilla (relatable).
What Works: Special Effects, Babies, Science
What Doesn’t: Overacting
Smash or Pass: A smash for the whole family
Double Feature: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)
The Iron Claw
Vibe: Trauma porn disguised as a sports movie.
10-Second Summary: A retelling of the cursed Von Erich wrestling family, which is so wildly depressing that they actually had to cut some of the details for time and our emotional safety.
What Works: Zac Efron as a Real Actor
What Doesn’t: Mistakingly thinking you’re going to have a fun night at the movies
Smash or Pass: Smash, but you won’t like it.
Dinner: BBQ Ribs
Double Feature: Neighbors (2014)
Mean Girls The Musical
Vibe: Disneyification of a beloved classic, now with terrible songs.
10-Second Summary: You already know!
What Works: Renee Rapp
What Doesn’t: The girl who plays Cady, the god-awful songs, the Limited Too wardrobe, the cast looking like they’re 14 instead of being hot movie stars
Smash or Pass: Pass, unless you’re a theater kid or a baby gay
Dinner: Cheese fries
Double Feature: Bottoms (2023)
Self Reliance
Vibe: Semi-absurdist stoner comedy
10-Second Summary: A bored loner gets recruited for a dark web game show, where he’ll win $1M if he’s never alone for 30 days straight (an anxious attachment style’s dream).
What Works: Original concept, Andy Samberg, interventions
What Doesn’t: Anna Kendrick trying to date via Craiglist, the ending
Smash or Pass: Pass, respectfully
Double Feature: It Follows (2014)
Society of the Snow
Vibe: A beautifully tough hang
10-Second Summary: Retelling of the Uruguay Rugby Team plane crash
What Works: Score, set, pace, tension, snow
What Doesn’t: Saccharine dialogue, the English dub (change your Netflix settings), watching on a small screen
Smash or Pass: Smash, respectfully
Dinner: Water
Double Feature: It Follows (2014)
Watching: Argyle (sue me)
Eating: My 20-pack of Barebells - the superior protein bar, thank me later.
Reading: “How ‘The Viall Files’ Became Meet The Press for Reality TV” (Vulture)