Uncultured's 2023 Holiday Gift Guide
Plus Sabrina vs. The Church, Mark Cuban's Crisis, and Miranda Sings' Return
Did you guys see the hit piece on Golden Bachelor Gerry? When I started reading it, I was like, this is stupid, but then my jaw actually dropped lol. Looking forward to tonight’s finale!
I also had the unique experience of watching the Golden Bachelor fantasy suites episode over Thanksgiving with my 69-year-old father (who coincidentally insisted that Leslie’s drunk joke about turning the thermostat down to 69 was “totally scripted”).
He was very engaged despite rolling his eyes every time Gerry said something stupid like “wow, you look awesome, I feel so special!” and while I was adamant that that was Gerry’s real personality, maybe I was wrong! According to the aforementioned THR article he told his secret ex-girlfriend that she was too fat to go to his high school reunion with him, lmfao.
Paris Hilton launches second baby. Over the Thanksgiving holiday Paris Hilton announced the arrival of her second child, a baby girl via surrogate that she named LONDON, as in London Tipton?!?
I say this all the time but it always bothers me that the children of these iconic women have to take the names of their nobody dads. London Hilton would be iconic and instantly recognizable, but instead we have London Reum…who?
Kim K to star in a new comedy feature for Netflix. WOWOWOW huge news for me personally. I’ve absolutely loved watching Kim in AHS but I am a little nervous for her playing a character that isn’t basically based off of her. The haters are just waiting and ready!!
Miranda Sings returns to YouTube after ukulele catastrophe. The “Toxic Gossip Train” star came back to YouTube after a five month hiatus, probably to take advantage of holiday shopping commissions. She titled the video “fall vlog” and squeezed in a half-hearted apology. I’m honestly glad she’s back chasing her bag because I want more mess from her.
Zack and Bliss spawn the first Love Is Blind baby. From the couple that brought you #IrinaGate and a failed sous vide comes the first child of the pods. If LIB truly ends here, this baby will be its legacy.
Sabrina Carpenter’s erotic music video lands a priest in hot water. Her slutty Feather music video was filmed inside a Catholic Church in Williamsburg, and was promptly denounced by a bishop who “stripped the priest of his administrative duties” for allowing the venue to be used for such devilish purposes.
Having beef with the Catholic Church is iconic, and it landed Sabrina the soundbite of the week: “Jesus was a Carpenter.”
Mark Cuban sets sights on final Shark Tank season. The upcoming season 16 will be Mark’s last season, which I find depressing as a massive Shark Tank fan — somehow they always get me with that American Dream shit which is honestly so Republican of me.
He also sold his majority stake in the Dallas Mavericks, which has my token finance friend thinking he’s entering a mid-life crisis, but I’m like, maybe he just wants to spend time with his kids and go on more vacations? Let the man enjoy his spoils!
Welcome to the second annual Uncultured holiday gift guide — I can’t believe I’ve lived this long! This year’s guide is inspired by the biggest pop culture moments, scandals, and key figures of 2023.
For The Fearless Foodie
Never trust a person who refers to themselves as a foodie. Every time I hear the word foodie, I think of Meghan Markle as Rachel Zane on Suits bragging that she’s a foodie while putting two orders of foie gras on her dad’s credit card. Not like other girls!
But anyway, one thing we can all agree on is our mutual disdain for Jonathan Cheban, AKA FoodGod. His foodie adventures got him in hot water when a bottle of San-J Korean BBQ sauce ALLEGEDLY shattered in his hand, leading him to sue the company for $20M.
Any foe of Jonathan’s is a friend of mine, so let’s support the brand in its time of need. Just make sure to handle with care.
For The Cozy Cutie
If this Amazon Blanket is good enough for Selena-I-Hate-Being-Famous-Gomez, it’s good enough for your workplace Secret Santa.
For The Angeleno
I’m always blabbing about east coast exclusives, so let’s give some love to our friends in Hollywood, baby, with a good old fashioned gift card. But where to?
One of my favorite pop culture stories of the year was the cat-murdering psychopathy occurring behind the scenes in a volatile chef-on-chef romance at the LA hotspot Horses.
When I visited LA last year I got to go to the brunch place which apparently had a famous scandal where mold was in all their signature jams, so Horses is the next legendary culinary chaos destination to hit.
For The Manic Pixie Dream Girl
I love a petty feud, and one of my most voraciously consumed mediums was Caroline Calloway’s daily Instagram stories bashing her nemesis when their warring memoirs came up during the same week.
Caroline’s self-published, luxury first edition “day book” Scammer is still available on her website for $65 (plus shipping), a welcome addition to any MPDG’s color-coordinated bookshelf.
For The Bravo Baddie
Even if you’re not watching new RHONY, which I’m not because Bravo intimidates me, you’re seeing the memes. Like, I know there was drama over shakshuka, and that’s enough for me.
I’ve been advised that a favorite among the community is Brynn Whitfield’s “date his dad” merch, in homage to her tagline, “I love to laugh, but make me mad and I’ll date your dad.”
To have that power! Unfortunately cannot relate. Mine would be like, “make me mad, I’ll mute your Instagram story.”
For The Wannabe Content Creator
I cannot go three seconds without seeing a Commission Eligible TikTok Shop post for the Alix Earle light, a $15 clip-on ring light that takes your selfies from sickly Victorian child to Too Hot to Handle contestant with the push of a button.
For The Beauty Guru
I could fill a cruise ship with the makeup on my Sephora wish list, but there was one set of products that had the biggest impact on my psyche this year: The L'Oréal Telescopic Mascara and a set of false lashes.
Because for two weeks, my entire TikTok FYP was dominated by CIA-level analysis videos of whether or not Mikayla Nogueira wore false lashes during a paid tutorial for the product. The consensus is that she did, but she is a pro at surviving attempted cancellations, and as a Big Brother contestant would say, “I respect the hell out of that.”
For the Edgelord
Did you think I would forget about the Grimace Crocs? For a humble $70, your chronically online, painfully single, Nathan Fielder stan friend can keep their dogs warm in these fur-lined sandals. If they wear them out in the wild, maybe they’ll attract the same energy back, and then you’ll be a great gift giver and a matchmaker.
Watching: Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God (HBO)
Listening: The Spotify Sound Town of Cambridge, MA
Reading: “Kylie Jenner Interviewed by Jennifer Lawrence” (Interview Magazine)
that cool text