Told you I was a girl's girl
Kylie Jenner Blunders, Legal Battles, and Bachelorette Trauma
Hola friends! This week we’re coming to you live from the Acela train to Boston. I feel bad for the guy sitting next to me because I feel like I am a lowkey chaotic train companion. I’m always rifling through my bags! Airpods, sweatshirt, trail mix, chargers. . .it’s a long trip. All he has out his humble cell phone, like the Walt Whitman of modern business travel.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Lizzo gets sued for being mean. Former backup dancers allege that Lizzo and her tour management team forced them to engage with naked performers at some kinky sex club, go through grueling auditions (ok??) and that Lizzo herself made a “thinly veiled” comment about a dancer gaining weight.
Lizzo of course denies all of this (“I am not the villain”), but I’m kinda like, it sounds like she’s just mean! I seriously don’t think you can sue someone over a “thinly-veiled” comment — then all our mother-in-laws would be in jail, amiright??? You’re just disappointed that she’s not the role model you thought she was and that she’s equally as mean-spirited and cutthroat as everyone else in the biz. If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the pop star’s music video!
Queens man (represent!) sues Taco Bell for insufficient beef levels. He believes that the brand is guilty of false advertising — his Mexican Pizza contained what he says is less than half of the beef and bean filling shown in Taco Bell’s promotional images.
Has he heard of food styling? That’s a whole career. It’s probably not even beef in the photos, it’s like 3D-printed moldable goo.
Leah Remini sues Church of Scientology. The famous cult escapee has filed a lawsuit claiming “psychological torture,” among other abuse at the hands of the church.
I love how she has just made it her life’s mission to destroy these people. I kinda want to do that one day, granted I find a worthy nemesis.
Former Bachelorette Gabbi Windey announces lezzy relationship. She’s now the second franchise lead to come out as queer post-show. She shared on The View yesterday that she’s in a serious relationship with comedian Robby Hoffman.
I really like Gabby, but this Robby girl seems way too cool for her lol.
Canadian PM Justin Trudeau separates from wife Sophie. After 18 years of marriage, 7 years in office, and raising two teens, the couple decided “eh, we’d rather not.”
Will Justin pull an Ethan Slater and start dating Taylor Swift? I sincerely hope so.
And speaking of divorce, Meghan & Harry are on the rocks. I was obsessed with them when they originally yeeted from the Royal Family, but they are so hard to defend these days. And this divorce??? Embarrassing. You went through all that only to find out that you don’t even like each other?
Keeping Up with Kylie! It was a big week for the most private KarJenner.
Kylie partners with Bratz dolls. Days after her Kardashians episode aired where she mused about how the KarJenner beauty standard impacts young girls, Kylie came out with a new Bratz collection with six pouty-lipped dolls representing some of her most iconic looks. I’m not condemning her, I don’t really care how people make their money, but it’s just funny that she has literally no self-awareness in this moment.
Kylie starts a fashion line. No, she’s not resurrecting the KENDALL + KYLIE PacSun collection. It’s worse! Kylie is allegedly creating her own fast fashion company. I mean, it’s kind of on brand because if she was poor she would totally be a Shein girl. Maybe she can poach Kourtney from BooHoo to be her sustainability ambassador.
Kylie & Timothee break up — wait, no, they didn’t! Life & Style reported that the couple was dunzo, but Kris Jenner has TMZ on speed-dial, and was quick to dispel the rumor. According to TMZ, “everything is cool between the two.” Imagine being so famous that you have to have a team of publicists alert the media that your casual fuckbuddy didn’t break up with you. That’s almost more embarrassing than just getting dumped.
Hey, #BrideTribe! You Each Owe $3,489.46 For Coming to Alexa’s Bachelorette
I got to write this fun piece this week for Betches about the terrors of Bachelorette trips. I’ve actually never been on one, and I’m not looking forward to the day when I have to, but I DID have a lot of Venmo pettiness experience to pull from. It’s always the richest people too who are the most obnoxious on Venmo. I’m gonna be writing some more wedding content in the coming weeks, so if you have horror stories my DMs are wide open!
Good morning all you lovely ladies,
Thank you so much for making Alexa’s special Bachelorette weekend in Nashville so magical. From tripping over our heels during line dancing at the honky-tonk, to taking a million overly staged photos in front of murals in the hot sun, it’s sure to be a trip she’ll remember forever.
I’d like to personally shout out Jessica A. for taking ownership of the bridal swag bags — that hand-embroidered “bride’s babe” sun hat is about to become a staple in my summer wardrobe! Jessica H., would love to see an attitude adjustment from you at the rehearsal dinner.
As you know, I fronted the costs of the trip on my rose gold American Express card and spent all evening last night tallying up the receipts when I should have been watching The Bachelorette — but that’s my cross to bear as MOH, and I would never hold that against you rockstars.
Below, please find an itemized list of the trip’s expenses. I’d love to receive Venmos from each of you by EOD today.
If you have questions, please try to squeeze your little brain as hard as you can to use common sense and find the answers yourself — I have a really busy day today at Equinox.
With Love,
Cassandra
GRAND TOTAL: $3,489.46
Please pay the exact amount you owe and do not round down out of “convenience.” If everyone rounded down I would lose almost $5, so it actually is a bigger deal than you think.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: I probably won’t get to go to any movies this week which is sad. Maaaaaybe I’ll watch that new Soderbergh show, Full Circle, on Max but I probably won’t.
Listening: That TikTokker Bobbi who interviewed Drake in bed has an interview this week with Mark Cuban lol. Love the Cubester.
Reading: “Tired of Dating Apps, Some Turn to ‘Date-Me Docs’” (NYT)
I thought Full Circle was pretty boring, you can prob safely skip it