The butter is too cold!
Sophie's new boo, Kourt's baby name, and my pick for 'The Golden Bachelorette'
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Kourtney and Travis reveal their baby name. In a very un-Kardashian move, the couple announced that their baby will be named Rocky in the weeks before his birth, rather than waiting a year and a half to maximize suspense. I’m sad they didn’t go with Tempeh, like I suggested, but it’s very fitting for Kourt’s new vibe.
As Kimberly aptly put it in their Season 3 fight, “you definitely have your own identity. No one’s trying to, like, rock out.” ROCK out. ROCKY. It was an Easter Egg.
Succession’s Alan Ruck crashes his truck into a pizza parlor. A three-car collision in Los Angeles on Tuesday night resulted in our number three boy veering off the road and directly into Raffallo’s Pizza, which 100% could have been a 5th season Succession C-plot after Willa cheats on Connor with a Le Coucou sommelier.
HBO CEO Casey Bloys apologizes for his Twitter Troll Brigade. Yesterday, Rolling Stone published a piece exposing the fact that the streaming boyboss instructed his top execs to make burner accounts on Twitter to disagree with TV critics who didn’t like their shows.
This is soooo embarrassing and so ineffective — these journalists are probably immune to losers disagreeing with them in their replies, and this CEO guy is like, “wow, we really showed her with this pithy tweet that we spent 3 hours workshopping in our group chat.”
Charli D’Amelio debuts a new popcorn brand, for some reason. Is popcorn part of her schtick? I don’t know, I don’t think so, and this makes no sense. Why is popcorn such a popular celeb product? It really doesn’t feel like something that needs any more innovation, especially if your “differentiator” is a cotton candy flavor, which, no.
Speaking of celeb popcorn, Sophie Turner just got her post-Joe snog on. This weekend in Paris, Sophie was seen kissing a new beau, British aristocrat Peregrine Pearson.
He kinda looks like a guy who lives in Greenpoint and has grand plans for some type of social good entrepreneurship foray, but he mostly just spends his dad’s money on scarves and talks too much about his Peloton stats.
Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum get engaged. She apparently debuted her rock in a Rosemary’s Baby couples’ costume over Halloweekend. Could this be what we need to reverse the Celeb Breakup Curse??
JoJo Siwa starts a podcast. As you guys know, it’s my duty to chronicle the ongoings on JoJo Siwa, and I regret to inform you that JoJo has joined the iHeart family with a new pod. It’s called JoJo Siwa NOW and the cover art is absolutely deplorable. I hope to one day be a guest.
Justin Timberlake has been bullied into shutting of IG comments. And honestly, good. Sometimes men need to be humbled. To quote Taylor Swift, “if guys don't want me to write bad songs about them then they shouldn't do bad things.”
Schitts Creek’s Emily Hampshire apologizes for tone-deaf Halloween costume. She and a friend dressed as Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, replete with a wine bottle and fake feces as props. Such a C-list string of events: regular enough to mock real celebrities with your costume, but famous enough to have to apologize after.
My Official Pick For ABC’s Inevitable ‘The Golden Bachelorette’ Franchise
I got to write this this morning for Betches — I’m an April truther!
My Dearest ABC Unscripted Chief Rob Mills,
How the hell are ya? Hope the Malibu sun isn’t beating down too hard — but then again, if it was, I’m sure you’d have 17 ABC PAs there to fan you like the Roman Emperor that you are! I kid! You’d only use 11, you’d never waste resources like that.
Huge congrats on the success of The Golden Bachelor, by the way. Who knew that the American public would go so ga-ga for grandmas? You did, you perceptive king.
On that note, you must be giving a lot of thought to which of Gerry’s lovely ladies you’d want to headline The Golden Bachelorette should the sister franchise get greenlit.
I get that there are a lot of safe choices out there, and in corporate America, the path of least resistance is what gets us home for dinner with the wife by 5. So you might be thinking, let’s just go with Joan! She’s a fan favorite, has a banging bod, and her love story was so tragically cut short by the fact that she’s an ANGEL MOM who needed to help her child in need.
An easy narrative, easy on the eyes, everyone’s happy. I acknowledge this strategy as valid, but I’m gonna ask you to go on a little Thought Walk with me.
Remember back in 2018, when you and your team shocked the nation by picking the kooky Hannah Brown to be Bachelorette over picture-perfect politician Caelynn Miller-Keyes? And America was like, “how unorthodox!” but it ended up being the most iconic season of all time? The windmill sex, the podium move, Marcus the zit!
Beautiful things can happen on screen when you let zany ladies take the wheel, which is why I implore you to consider April as your first Golden Bachelorette:
Reason #1: She’s horny AF.
From her “titillating” chicken routine during the limo entrances to giving Gerry a private dance at his birthday party, April is just as flirtatious and spry as the 24-year-old marketing coordinators we’re accustomed to seeing at the mansion.
The Golden franchise gives olds the opportunity to show the world that just because they had their hip replaced doesn’t mean they aren’t DTF, and April completely exemplifies that important media representation.
Reason #2: She’s a girl’s girl.
April was a founding member of the now defunct mansion clique ASK’N, of “you’re askin’, we’re tellin’’” fame, which proves that she’s not just a man-eating sexpot, she’s earned the respect of the other women, too.
That’s huge! A lead needs to be both enthralling to the men and an aspirational bestie to the women watching at home. April is two for two.
Reason #3: She knows how to showboat.
Faking a pickleball injury to get extra attention from Gerry? That’s the kind of commitment to the bit we need from a lead. Just imagine how many more legendary moments like these we could get from an hour of April every week.
Look, I understand that getting all your fancy stakeholders on board for this might take a little extra leg work. You might have to miss a couple of your kids’ basketball games due to some late nights at the office, but they’ll understand when they see the television masterpiece that you’ve puppeteered.
When Geppetto made Pinocchio, he brought to life a groundbreaking puppet that spawned multiple franchises and earned millions of box office dollars — imagine what would have happened instead if he had settled on just whittling a spoon or a coaster because it was “easy.”
The choice to be bold is yours: April 2024.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Anatomy of a Fall
Eating: I don’t know what Wholly Veggie’s doing with their marketing budget, but they are apparently sending random nobodies free food, so now there are three boxes of vegan mozzarella sticks in my freezer and they low-key slap.
Reading: “It’s North West’s World, We All Just Live In It” (I-D Magazine)
