She's a 10, but she asked me how to spell "orange"
Today marks Day 11 of Whole30 (the day you’re statistically most likely to quit), and I hate to break it to you guys, but I’m thriving.
Unfortunately, my corresponding workouts have not been fueled by the new Drake album — he literally raps less than Taylor Swift on Reputation. He should have meant it when he said nevermind!
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
What better way to kick off the summer than to sit alone in your apartment with the lights off and binge watch all seven episodes of Amazon’s new teen drama The Summer I Turned Pretty!?
For the record: I never had a high school glow up. The closest thing I ever had to a transformation was when I painted my nails black for the first day of eighth grade and the kid in front of me in homeroom was like, “wait, are you goth now?”
All to say, as much as I wanted to relate to this idyllic coastal grandma New England summer, I just couldn’t! And I grew up in Massachusetts beach town so that’s saying something!
The Sparknotes: Belly (short for Isabel) is a more likeable Rory Gilmore (she engages in three minutes of banter over the word “wistful”) who’s tired of being a side character. She’s lusting after the older family friend she summers with in Mashpee, MA — he’s extra hot and mopey after being benched all season at his Ivy university.
Wait, hold up: Per the above, I had to google the age of consent in Massachusetts to clarify if this was legally sketch (I guess it’s kosher). Also, if a college guy is into you when you’re in high school, there’s obvi something wrong with him! Also, Belly is a horrible nickname! Bell? Bella? Izzy? HELLO?!?!?!
Anyway: A love hexagon ensues between her and literally every other boy on the beach outside of her brother. There’s a posh debutante ball (she has two left feet, surprise!), some frisky Boy Moms, and a pack of Fruit Rollups that derails a third date.
Will you laugh? The best zinger is when Belly calls her dad’s hot new barely legal girlfriend a “knockoff Dakota Johnson.” But I mostly laughed at the ferociously mounting cost of the music licensing — they play two Taylor Swift songs in the pilot alone.
Will you cry? Probably not, unless you are particularly moved by preppy teenagers kissing in gazebos, or you were rich growing up and the coastal McMansion reminds you of your childhood home.
Most relatable moment: Who among us hasn’t been humbled by a blender full of pomegranate margaritas?
Closing Thoughts: This show is sort of in the genre of Sex Lives of College Girls where like, if you had an action-packed high school experience it will probably bring up a lot of heartwarming nostalgia for you. But if the romance all feels too juvenile, you can skip it and watch Emma Thompson’s new elderly sex movie for a geriatric perspective on love & lust.
★★★☆☆
Villain Edit
Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.
Let me take you back to the year 2012. Peplum tops were saving lives for mid-size queens, “Stay” by Rihanna was a Billboard hit, and Maddie Ziegler was on the top of the Dance Moms pyramid.
And this month, she’s Cosmo’s cover girl — a pretty big step up for someone who was once fighting tooth and nail against her teammates for a guest spot on Drop Dead Diva.
Since she left the show in 2016, Maddie’s been pretty mum about the viral sensation, but it’s clear she feels more trauma than gratitude after five years in the Abby Lee Miller tornado that propelled her to stardom.
The Cosmo interview is the farthest drive Maddie takes down memory lane in recent history. She shares that she doesn’t talk to Abby anymore, and that she’s still in therapy to unlearn the lessons from the toxic environment Dance Moms created.
Abby, meanwhile, is pursuing post-convict life after being jailed for tax fraud in 2017. And she’s pissed about Maddie’s interview.
Late last week, Abby posted a 10-minute YouTube video titled “Dear Cosmopolitan <3.” Here are the highlights:
She claims that Maddie learned to act at her studio through the exaggerated dance faces she would make when portraying characters like Hellen Keller and Lizzie Borden in competition routines. The trademark puppydog eyes actually became coined “Maddie Face,” though I don’t believe they teach it at Tisch.
In response to Maddie’s complaint about the “pressure” of being expected to win every week, Abby says she was “also under a lot of pressure” from putting her studio’s reputation on the line. Sure but Maddie was 9 lol.
She makes some good points, too, like how she fought with the network to let Maddie leave production to shoot the Sia Chandelier video that made her famous.
So how much credit goes to the sensei versus the grasshopper? I had drinks last month with a former boss who might argue the former — they joked they were going to invoice me with a “Sallie Mae student loan repayment plan at 5% interest” on account of teaching me everything.
If we ask Star Wars, the Sith always kills the master. If we ask Logan Roy, we get the same answer with more profanities. If we ask your nephew’s little league team, everybody gets a trophy and an orange slice.
The limerick offer still stands. 3 successful referrals = one custom limerick.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
Color me surprised when an ASMR of Zendaya drinking Smart Water hit my Twitter Feed. As of Tuesday, she’s the company’s new "Global Brand Ambassador, which probably boils down to quote in their press release and maybe three Insta story frames.
In other food news, Daily Harvest has hospitalized multiple people due to some mysterious lentils gone wrong. I sort of feel like they had this coming — where do they get off charing $8.50 for a smoothie you still have to blend yourself?
Why am I never not talking about Christine Quinn? Last month I said she was trying to be Kim K, but with her new role in the Angry Birds game, she’s downgraded to Khloe, the Candy Crush shill.
And speaking of Khloe, she’s apparently moved on from Trashton to date a private equity investor! Finally, someone with money!
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: Loot (Apple TV). Maya Rudolph plays a Mackenzie Scott archetype who has billions of dollars to burn post-divorce. So basically every girl’s dream.
Reading: “Canceled at 17” (The Cut) — This is a bunch of cancel drama that went down at the high school Zendaya went to!
Eating: A lot of Trader Joe’s Turkey Jerky — tbh, this might be one of my Whole30 “Sex With Your Pants On” foods. I’ll let you look into what that means if you so please.
