Ranking 'The Golden Bachelor' Entrances from Wholesome to Horny AF
A hip replacement doesn't mean she isn't DTF.
After years of anticipation, last night we were finally blessed with the first episode of The Golden Bachelor, and I have to say, it delivered!
The 22 contestants, ranging from ages 60 to 75, are very intent on letting us know how much energy they have, and they might have actually re-energized the tired franchise in the process.
They may not know what the significance of a First Impression rose is, but they are definitely horny for love, which is what matters.
And speaking of libidos, as the women exited the limo to meet sterling hunk Gerry Turner — who could probably license his DNA to Mattel for the Social Security Ken doll — they were eager to prove that they were very much DTF.
I ranked their grand entrances from Milk & Cookies Wholesome to NSFG (Not Safe For Grankids).
12. Patty (Matt James’ Mom)
While well-intentioned, immediately name-dropping your reality star son doesn’t exactly get a guy’s juices flowing.
11. Ellen
Ellen used her opening moments with Gerry to scream “ROBERTA, WE MADE IT” – a shout out to her best friend, a Bachelor Nation super fan currently battling cancer. It’s a sweet gesture that probably didn’t move the needle in terms of wooing Gerry, but hey, a lifelong friendship probably means more to Ellen than a cumulative total of 3 hours of face time with a guy who’s dating 20 other women.
10. Edith
Coming out of the limo first is a lot of pressure, and confetti was a relatively safe option. Although I’m 99% positive this prop was a producer pick — they’re leaning sooo hard into gold, they couldn’t resist the on-the-noise choice of kicking off the season with a golden gender reveal: It’s an old!
9. Sandra
Justice for Sandra – her meditation routine that consisted of blissfully chanting “fuuuuuuuuck” was lowkey funny, but it did absolutely nothing for our straight-laced homeboy Gerry.
8. Pamela
I have trust issues, so if someone tells me, “close your eyes,” there better be a check for $200M dollars or a baby capybara in front of me when I open them. A not-so-stealthy kiss on the cheek? The ROI is simply not there.
7. Anna
The “let’s just get the hell out of here" line is confident and suave, but I needed to see how the interaction ended to fully analyze its success. Anna playfully walks Gerry back towards the limo, as if to say, “I’m clearly the hottest broad here, let’s just end this charade right here right now,” but then what happens? She has to head into the mansion, but you’re trapped in this bit! Or maybe she really thought that plan would work and they’d be heading to her timeshare in Santa Barbara, who knows!
6. Renee
I wasn’t initially sold on this lethargic Bring It On cheer routine until Renee decided to use a strategic rhyme scheme and comedic timing to fake out rhyming “luck” with “girl I want to fuck” (she actually said “marry,” but the point was made).
5. Kris Jenner (AKA Susan)
Wow, this woman really took Kris’s headshot to the plastic surgeon and said “give me the Todd Kraines special.” (No hate – I dream of doing this with Kim’s face every hour of the day).
Anyway, after making a rehearsed point to show Gerry her high heeled shoes, AI KJ innuendos, “I’m comfortable with six inches.”
This is a super weird thing to say to a guy when you have no knowledge of what his dick size is. 6 inches is widely regarded as the standard schlong, so she’s saying “don’t worry, I’m good with average,” implying that he is for sure an average carrier? Or to her, is 6 inches massive, and she’s saying, “hey, you look like a guy with a huge dick, and let me tell you, I can handle it.” But how would he know her size history?!
Either way, it’s unclear if Gerry is supposed to take this as a compliment, and unless KJ has some crystal pickleballs we don’t know about, maybe she should keep the peen predictions to herself for the time being.
4. Leslie
If you’re gonna do a costume bit, like walking in wearing a dolphin suit, the reveal absolutely has to deliver.
Leslie hobbled in wearing a curly gray wig and struggling with a walker, but threw the walker to the side with the bravado of a strip tease and shook her hair out of the wig like she was doing a Sports Illustrated cover shoot. A+ execution.
3. Faith
Coming in on a motorcycle and delivering a pick-up line about being “the ride of your life” realllllly feels like Faith was supposed to be cast on an ABC drama about a retired FBI agent who’s recruited back to the bureau for one last case that only she can solve, but somehow her headshot got mixed up in the casting office and she ended up on The Bachelor.
2. Theresa
Can you imagine going to bed on your 70th birthday in the janky bunk beds of the Bachelor mansion? Hope Theresa is hanging in there.
Anyway, her “birthday suit” routine really did a number on Gerry, and a sliver of him really thought she might flash him on national television. She was robbed of the First Impression rose!
1. April
April’s basket of “fresh eggs” and batshit “erotic” chicken dance may not have been the most strategic play, but it was definitely the horniest. April definitely insists that she’s the Samantha of her friends, and while that might not go far with romancing Gerry, it will go far with Twitter.