Predicting Meghan Markle's Jam Show
Plus Starbucks drinks, JoJo Siwa (duh), and messy Brian Cox
IT’S TORTURED POETS DAY!!! Honestly should be a national holiday. TWO full albums?? 31 songs??? She’s like the type of girl during middle school who proactively makes a trifold poster board presentation to accompany her book report, when the rest of the class barely made it to three pages double spaced. We were all messing with the decimals of the margins and Taylor was at Michael’s getting more glitter glue.
JoJo Siwa feuds with Brit Smith and Lil Tay.
Feud #1: Brit Smith: After it was revealed that JoJo’s much self-hyped debut single “Karma” was bought from the island of discarded misfit pop songs and originally demo’ed by a singer named Brit Smith 10 years ago, JoJo was asked if she stole the song. She replied, “there’s no such thing as stealing. . .I don’t know who Brit Smith is.”
Same, but like are you Mariah?? The girl has had media training since she was 6 years old, she was being petty on purpose.
Brit Smith then went on to release her original version of Karma, which reached #5 on the US iTunes chart, surpassing JoJo, the creator of gay pop, at #89.
Feud #2: Lil Tay: Remember Lil Tay? The teenage YouTube singer with the death hoax?
When she was jokingly compared to JoJo on X, Lil Tay responded “Wish I didn’t just find out who that is. . .please don’t mention me & her in the same sentence.”
After JoJo liked and unliked a tweet calling Lil Tay a “pathetic meme,” she hit back with another line of fire:
Starbucks launches spicy lemonades. I was incredulous when I learned this, but my coworker said, “that just sounds like a spicy margarita.”
Uhm, NO IT DOESN’T! Much like Lil Tay and JoJo, I don’t want to hear Starbucks and spice in the same sentence. They are also launching a spicy cold foam for your coffee. . .the only people that are going to order these items are like seven food writers across America who haven’t been laid off yet.
Brian Cox blasts Joaquin Phoenix. The only thing that sounds fun about being old is that you can be as rude as you want and no one can really say anything about it because you’re going to be dead soon.
When discussing Ridley Scott’s Napoleon at a history festival in London (nerds), Brian popped off:
“A truly terrible performance by Joaquin Phoenix. It really is appalling. I don’t know what he was thinking. I think it’s totally his fault and I don’t think Ridley Scott helps him. I would have played it a lot better than Joaquin Phoenix, I tell you that. . .I think he’s well named. Joaquin … wackeen … wacky. It’s a sort of wacky performance.”
PLEASE do me a favor and read that again to yourself in Trump’s voice.
An AI James Bond trailer starring Henry Cavill gets more views than SNL all season. I’m kidding, but still, 2.3M views is an accomplishment!
Little girl mistakes Mariska Hargitay for a real police officer. While the actress was filming an episode of SVU in New York’s Fort Tyron dog park, she was approached by a tiny denim diva who had been separated from her mother.
The show halted production for 20 minutes while they reunited the family. Such a great PR moment for the show, makes me wonder if they offered the girl $10 and a soft pretzel to play it out.
Caitlin Clark gets drafted by the Indiana Fever. Guys, I hate to say it but half my FYP is these hot basketball girls and I have never watched a college basketball game ever. #FakeFan
Anyway, her salary as the number one draft pick ($76K) is the same as an account manager at a mid-tier ad agency in Chicago. And everyone is like, oh well she’ll get all these huge endorsements — which is basically the same business model as the American people having to pay servers’ salaries instead of the goddamn restaurants!
Cardi B complains she’s too skinny. On Instagram Live, the rapper said she’s not leaving the house until she gains seven pounds, and that the only way to do that is to eat and have sex.
“Cause, you know, dick helps you gain wait. It's just a science, you know what I'm saying? It's a fucking science."
Interesting, because I’ve gotten multiple pitches this month about the sex positions that help you burn the most calories, so her science may be flawed. (If you’re curious, the top result is the butter churner).
My latest for Betches. . .Meghan Markle is so weird! They royals took a nice, normal lady with a cheugy but well-intentioned Instagram presence and turned her into the suggestion of a person. She probably shouldn’t have a Netflix show, but she needs to get that jam business off the ground!
The *Leaked* Episodes Of Meghan Markle’s New Netflix Show
After Meghan Markle did us all a favor by finally proving that not every celebrity under the sun can have a successful podcast, she’s now showing us that the gears are still turning in what’s left of her brain. (Remember, this is the woman who has been so mentally fucked by the psychological warfare of The Firm that she once attempted to transcribe her involuntary guttural noises to a journalist at The Cut).
Not only has the former Duchess announced her own stab at a Goop empire with American Riviera Orchard, a lifestyle brand that will attempt to sell us ancient grain facial scrubs and $69 jars of lemon preserves, she is also working to make good on her lucrative yet stagnant overall with Netflix.
Meghan Markle’s new series will “celebrate the joys of cooking, gardening, entertaining, and friendship,” which really feels like her team had already asked to extend her proposal deadline twice and this was the best they could come up with.
As we brim with anticipation, let’s take a look at Meghan’s *leaked* episode topic brainstorm, straight from the bowels of her Notes App.
Watching: Fallout (Amazon Prime)
Listening: The Tortured Poets Department
Reading: “Times Square Chain Restaurant Power Rankings” (The Infatuation)