There was some serious ABC synergy happening last night, because the 95th Academy Awards felt eerily similar to Zach’s cardboard man season of The Bachelor, airing on the network Monday evenings. It’s like last year’s slaptastrophe was akin to having two Bachelorettes on one season who end up with a cheater and a racist, so this year was an anxious return to form with all the safeguards in place for an unmemorable 3 and a half hour telecast.
That said, there were a few mildly bizarre incidents throughout the show, so let’s take a look.
Hugh Grant’s Icy Ashley Graham Interview
We watched about 90 minutes of red carpet coverage before the show, and it’s infuriating how they seem to appeal to the lowest common denominator of viewership with a cast of commentators that feel like they were pulled from The Capital in The Hunger Games. And even that’s not a fair comparison, because Stanley Tucci’s character in those movies was actually a pretty decent interviewer.
Plus, only 16 million people watched last night, and let’s be real, it was probably primarily comprised of Banshees of Inisherin fans versus casual Avatar moviegoers. I just think they could raise the bar a little bit.
Anyway, one painful interview stuck out to people, between supermodel Ashley Graham (AKA not a journalist) and industry veteran Hugh Grant. Here’s a breakdown of both parties’ blunders:
Grant compares the evening to “Vanity Fair,” referring to the 1848 novel that satirized British society. Graham thinks he’s talking about the Vanity Fair Oscars party which is fair. I would have no idea what he was talking about and he should know his audience instead of trying to Cole Sprouse it up with purposefully pretentious answers to dumb questions.
Graham asks his what he’s excited to see that night — again, not really a great question. But he’s a dick and doesn’t even attempt an answer, he’s not excited for anything. Just say Rihanna, Hugh!
Grant won’t disclose who made his suit for an unknown reason — this is like, the most standard question of all time.
Graham doesn’t realize that Grant only had a microscopic cameo in The Glass Onion and starts asking him about his experience making the film. He uses this as another opportunity to be as dicky as possible.
I know it sounds like I’m taking Ashley’s side, and I’m really not, Hugh Grant is a national treasure. I’m more taking the side of, hire smart people who actually know about the nominated films and are set up for success in a high-pressure situation.
Mindy Kaling’s Dress Switch-Up
The reigning queen of Ozempic looked gorgeous on the beige carpet in a white Vera Wang gown.
Since she got skinny, she has really been flaunting it which I absolutely love for her. My personal skinny fantasy is to one day wear one of those Herve Leger bandage dresses like I’m an agent on Selling Sunset or something. I know I can do better, but I grew up in the 2000s when these were at their height and I’ve never been able to fully get past it.
I think Mindy’s skinny dream is wearing white, because in a recent Instagram post she talked about how she used to avoid the color because she worried it wasn’t flattering on her.
Amazing journey, right?! You’re wearing white at the Oscars and all the fashion police are loving it.
So why she changed into an identical black gown once she entered the theater was baffling to all. The black still looked great on her, but the white was just more unexpected and striking. Don’t dull your shine for the Dolby Theater!!
Elizabeth Banks Presents with Cocaine Bear
Actress and infamous Cocaine Bear director Elizabeth Banks literally stumbled onto the stage to present the award for best visual effects, alongside her muse, the Cocaine Bear himself.
But I am wondering if Liz was the one on coke. Everything about her performance was frenetic and weird, amplified by her scratchy voice that cracks minute to minute, diluting the impact of her frenzied line of jokes.
She seriously reminded me of the scene in Arrested Development when Lindsay gets hit with a tranquilizer in the woods but still shows up at the bachelorette auction.
Lady Gaga Oversells Her Top Gun Ditty
We were saddled with five performances of the best original song nominees, and only two of them were good.
![Watch Lady Gaga's Oscars 2023 Performance [VIDEO] | TVLine](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!-PUB!,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc38c93fb-e4a3-47c3-a873-83c1f4ccf118_620x420.jpeg "Watch Lady Gaga's Oscars 2023 Performance [VIDEO] | TVLine")
Lady Gaga came in with an emotionally fraught, stripped down version of her song “Hold My Hand” from Top Gun: Maverick, but before she belted it out, she gave us a self-tape monologue:
“It’s deeply personal for me. . .We all need each other. We need a lot of love to walk through this life. We need heroes sometimes. There’s heroes all around us. . .You might find that you can be your own hero, even if you feel broken inside.”
It’s like when your boss makes a speech applauding everyone’s commitment to their craft and it’s like, Susan, we write snarky captions for a low-carb popcorn company.
You can find the full list of winners here, and some best dressed content here.
I also learned last night that the young phenom writer-directors of Everything Everywhere All at Once went to the same college as me, which of course has me spiraling.
Thanks for reading, and see you Thursday!
