Not everybody fits in the bad bitch genre
This edition is coming to you live from coastal Massachusetts, where I’m spending the week in my childhood home.
I’m just coming off a rare PTO moment (if I’m gonna be a senator by the time I’m thirty. . .), inclusive of white wine spritzers, oceanfront fried clams, and setting up my first flight of Instagram to promote this publication #neverstopneverstopping
Viral Bible
Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.
Did you have an American Girl Doll growing up? I had the Depression Era Kit Kittredge doll, an outdoorsy tomboy who “cared little for dresses, baking and dusting” — AKA, major dyke energy.
Progressive? Not so much. This week, fans mistook the American Girl brand re-releasing the by all accounts lezzie Molly Doll on June 1st — the first day of Pride month — as a confirmation of her gay icon status. But American Girl was quick to release an official statement denying any homoerotic inclinations on Molly’s end, writing, “The new Molly collection releasing today is simply aligned with when all of our new summer product is debuting. Nothing more.” Sure, Jan.
This is a pretty expected PR response from a patriotic company whose sales probably thrive off of the Young Republican Federation, but the plot then took a more sinister turn.
There’s a subculture of American Girl Doll devotees on Instagram, kind of like Mormon Momtok or the Bama Rush girls. Some of them are ironic fans, like the meme account Klit.Klittredge, while others are cloyingly earnest. And with any community, there’s bound to be competing factions.
One particular sect runs rampant with homophobia, as whisteblown by Klit and picked up by NBC News. These No Homos are banding together to take back the colors of the rainbow this Pride Month — one user dressed her doll in orange to represent “the rusty nails that held Jesus on the cross” before cautioning that “[God] doesn’t want you to have pride.” Way harsh, Tai.
The regular American Girl Doll stans are left to fight the good fight in the name of Molly girls everywhere.
Either way, this is the type of drama my dreams are made of — hate speech is obvs bad but I’d be lying if I said watching this saga unfold didn’t make my week.
Extrastential Musings
Let’s get personal.
I’m home this week because on Sunday we hosted a memorial concert for my late Mee-Maw (jk I called her Grandma) who passed earlier this year. She had told her kids that she didn’t want a formal funeral service because she couldn’t stand the idea of people talking about her, and instead wanted a classical music concert (shoutout to Bach), where wine could be served (#lit).
As a narcissist, this got me thinking about what the rules would be for my funeral. This is what I have so far:
The dress code: New money gaud. I want Balenciaga crocs, Louis tracksuits, and those weird Moschino bags that are shaped like baguettes and hairdryers.
The drinks: When you walk into the church, you’re immediately handed an appletini. This will be an homage to my heroic revival of the appletini, a storied piece of my legacy on Earth.
The music: Playlist should be all bangers, mostly Nicki and Cardi, to contrast nicely with the awk church setting.
ROS: Eulogies can only take the form of tight 5 standup sets.
The in memoriam video: I need final approval on all photos assets to ensure I look skinny from every angle.
The after party: Everyone pours one out at Nobu. 5 drink minimum per person.
My Instagram ads are doing pretty shitty lol, so pls share Uncultured with your friends! <3
Villain Edit
Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.
As I’ve mentioned previously, my flirty summer beach read has been the Anna Wintour biography, which is both horrifying and inspiring.
Take this anecdote: Anna knew from when she was a teenager that she wanted to be the Editor In Chief of Vogue, and when she finally gets a meeting with Vogue’s top boss in the 80s (while she’s a mid-level editor at New York Mag), this is how it goes down:
Mirabella asked Anna what job she would like at Vogue, and Anna replied, in what she later described as “a sudden fit of candor” that was unlike her, “Yours.”
That ended the meeting.
I was surprised that the interviewer was so offended by that — I like to think that if it were me, I’d be charmed by this young person’s moxie, wryly chew my cigar and hire them on the spot — so I asked some of my friends how they would respond if this happened to them while interviewing a candidate. Here are the highlights:
“I’m glad to hear that! I really like my job.” — Grace, environmental lawyer. This is probably because no one wants to work in environmental law so they’ll take who they can get.
“Dream on!” — My mom, children’s librarian. This was the sassiest answer I received, from the seemingly friendliest vocation.
“Good.” — Steph, pharmaceutical comms lead. Wisely, she welcomes someone else doing her job for her for less money.
“I legit don’t know what I would do plz give me some fucking context.” — Caitlin, BlackRock associate. She works in big finance and doesn’t have time for my shenanigans.
I’m John Quiñones, and this has been another episode of What Would You Do?!
Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts (low-cal & reduced sugar!)
I’m calling it now that Jenna Ortega is gonna be the next big thing. If I still did PR for razor brands, I’d be like, oh my god we have to partner with her on this shaving cream campaign. She looked amazing in her satin suit accepting an MTV award for Scream, and Netflix just announced she’ll be starring in a new Wednesday Adams TV series which I won’t watch but will support!
Apple announced what’s on tap for iOS 16, including editing and unsending iMessages within a 15 minute window, so your ducks can be changed back to fucks in peace.
Julia Garner dropkicked Florence Pugh and Sophie Turner out of the contentious Madonna biopic race after a “grueling” audition process to win the role. I reaaaally wish they had filmed this saga as a competition series like MTV’s Legally Blonde: The Search for Elle Woods, one of the most underrated shows of all time.
Velveeta launched a cheese-scented nail polish, making me so over these dumb food beauty collabs. We had Elf and Chipotle, the bologna face mask, the Baked By Melissa body wash collection. . .it was cute when we were coming off of the pandemic and needed a whisper of whimsy if you will, but if I was Massie fromThe Clique these would officially be on my “out” list.
Variety is rolling out its 16th season of Actors on Actors. Yesterday we watched Jeremy Strong and Anne Hathaway (the only person who would agree to be in a room with JS for 40+ minutes) have one of the smuggest most self-important convos ever about “The Process” and also maybe perform sponcon for Penny Blue Rum ($300 a bottle, btw).
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Watching: Fire Island (Hulu) — I feel woefully late to the party and tragically uninformed.
Listening: The Normal Gossip Podcast — shoutout to my esteemed colleagues for recommending this, I’ve already binged the first season and joined the Reddit page.
Reading: “Caviar ‘Bumps’ Are All The Rage” (NYT)
