My asthma doesn't define me
Jada's Bombshell, Bradley & Gigi, and Taylor's Movie Premiere
Apologies in advance that this is a Taylor-heavy issue. If it’s 2023 and you still hate Taylor Swift, consider extensive talk therapy to work through your internalized misogyny.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Jada and Will have been living separately for seven years. Look, I feel like we all knew something sus as hell was happening in that relationship, like when Jada admitted to an “entanglement” with singer August Alsina on an episode of her show Red Table Talk in 2020.
The revelation that the pair is divorced on everything but paper came to light in Jada’s new memoir Worthy, which she promoted in a glossy exclusive with Hoda Kotb.
As for why? Jada gives a bizarre answer about how she made a promise that they would work through any and all martial problems, so she didn’t want to break that promise by getting a legal divorce.
So instead, you want to live a lie for the better part of a decade and have your children do so along with you? And if you ever want to fuck someone in the meantime, you have to take them with a bag over their head to a remote bunker where they sign an NDA with a penalty of death? It just seems extreme and I’m not buying it.
Other tidbits: she thought The Slap was a sketch, but more importantly, Pre-Slap when her divorce rumors were swirling, Chris Rock asked her out.
Less dramatically, Emma Chamberlain and Role Model break up. They broke up after three years together, much of which was incredibly private. Earlier this year they made things public with a GQ shoot and the infamous Couples Quiz, which I’m starting to believe could be a curse.
Bradley Cooper and Gigi Hadid take Manhattan. After feeling butthurt about his ex Irina Shayk tapping TB12, Bradley asked out Gigi, a supermodel 20 years his junior, who he met through Irina.
They initially sparked dating rumors when they were seen leaving VIA FUCKING CAROTA. Like, can we get some variety here?? Why are they all so obsessed with this place. The waitresses should just run their own rival DeuxMoi account at this point.
Beyoncé makes an appearance at Taylor’s movie premiere. After weeks of headlines about Taylor versus Beyoncé due to two of the most culturally dominant tours in recent history, Beyoncé took time out of her day to attend Taylor’s Eras Concert movie premiere, which Tay used as an opportunity to write an effusive Instagram post about how much Beyonce has inspired her, an aggressive showcase of humility.
I also have say, I absolutely hated Taylor’s styling for this event. She’s like 34 years old and she looks like a “quirky” 17-year-old who made her own prom dress? Beyoncé looks like the star and Tay looks like a fan who won a VIP sweepstakes off a Danimals wrapper.
Dianna Agron gets yelled out for blocking SJP. The Glee star and rumored Taylor Swift paramour was taken for a hot nobody at the Fall NYC Ballet Gala last Thursday. A photographer screamed at her for blocking “an important photo” of Sarah Jessica Parker, replete with a “Dianne who?!” when others tried to explain her relevance.
Clayton Echard is NOT the father! Earlier this month we discussed a one-night-stand of the Bachelor alum coming back to haunt him with claims that she was the father of her twins, which he vehemently denied. Turns out he was right, which marks one thing he hasn’t lied about!
Gwen doesn’t really use her Oscar as a doorstop. In a new Vogue 73 Questions, Gwyneth Paltrow saunters through her Hamptons home, where the interviewer notes a rogue Academy Award statuette holding the door open to the patio, to which she replies, “My doorstop! It works perfectly!”
After media ran with the headline, her reps clarified that it was just a bit, like when Dakota Johnson pretended to be obsessed with limes.
In honor of the Eras Tour premiere and Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas finding common ground, here’s a piece I wrote for Betches last week advertising the unique offerings of Tay Tay to help you win your celebrity divorce.
Are you and your spouse suffering from pesky irreconcilable differences? Did you get engaged to a man only to find out he exclusively eats off paper plates? Is your spouse walking all over your peace of mind in the shoes you gave them as a present?
If any of the above sounds like you, you might be starting your search for a divorce attorney. But before you do, consider partnering with Taylor Swift.
At Swift & Associates, we offer a comprehensive suite of holistic divorce support services, ensuring that you get the house, get the kids, and get the pride.
Strategic Photo Ops: We’ll arrange sightings of you and your spouse’s ex at high-profile venues in your city, rattling your spouse as part of our 360 mental warfare tactics.
In-House Deposition Prep: Our founding partner, Taylor Swift, will meet with you for one-on-one training to prepare you for your deposition. She’s an expert at artfully dodging questions like, “do you have a boyfriend?” and “who do you like?”
Plus, as an added bonus, she’ll provide you with Sorkin-level snide comments that you can later repurpose as viral feminist TikTok sounds.
Temporary Housing: We understand the mental toll that divorce proceedings take, which is why we’ll curate a peaceful sanctuary for you to live in so you can sufficiently recharge. Replete with a chef’s kitchen (and live-in chef), sauna, and cryotherapy room, you’ll come back smarter and harder in the nick of time.
Breakup Playlist Curation: As you process your complex feelings, our offices will curate playlists for each phase of the proceedings, fully customized to your unique situation.
Relationship Management & Networking: To support your re-socialization following the devastating dissolution of your marriage, we’ll connect you with a network of A-list hotties to embrace you in their social circle. Activities can include, but are not limited to, box seats at NFL games, trips to Cabo, Eyes Wide Shut sex parties.
Still not convinced? Check out this bejeweled testimonial:
“Swift & Associates completely changed the course of my divorce for the better. Taylor had an incredibly hands-on approach to my case, and even lent me her cat Olivia for emotional support. I couldn’t be happier with my new life, trading my short king for this pop queen.”
— Sophie T.
If you are in need of our services, the time to act is now! Hollywood divorces are at an all-time high, and Taylor won’t be available for long.
Sign up today for a free consultation, where we’ll feed you lasagna, outline how to mastermind your way out of a prenup, and advise you on what color Benz goes best with your skin tone.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour !!!
Listening: Heavyweights (Gimlet Media) — this is an old pod but I just discovered it. It’s like Normal Gossip meets This American Life.
Reading: “Why The Internet Isn’t Fun Anymore” (The New Yorker)
Yikes, the Will and Jada Smith stuff is WEIRD. Also yes it's 2023 people get on the Taylor train.