Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!
Uncultured 2022 Holiday Gift Guide
Hoe, hoe, hoe, and welcome to the first annual Uncultured gift guide. It may not be The Strategist, but we can’t all be winners. I’ll take my participation trophy and mount it proudly on my non-existent mantle.
I may be a gift guide rookie, but this is actually my second at-bat. When I was at Edelman, I had a short-lived corporate newsletter, forged in a desperate attempt to differentiate myself in a sea of high performers, which included a half-assed gifting issue. I like to think my newslettering has glowed up since then!
Without further ado, let’s get gifting…
The A24 Crossword Book — A24 ($34)
Does your friend think they’re a regular Wesley Morris and brag about how fast they finished the Saturday Times crossword?
With 99 film-inspired puzzles, the A24 crossword book provides hours of fun to fuel their superiority complex.
How to Win The Bachelor by Chad Kultgen & Lizzy Page — Amazon ($14)
True fans of The Bachelor franchise know that if they want to walk away with a good edit, contestants need to approach their time on the show like they’re an NFL GM. It’s all about long-game strategy, precise and calculated moves, and being aware of your fellow players and how to neutralize them.
In How To Win The Bachelor, two Bachelor experts break down a season-long game plan for optimizing your fifteen minutes of fame, so you aren’t shunned from your church and trolled at Starbucks when you return home to reality.
Hatch Restore Alarm Clock — Hatch ($130)
The goop goddess probably already has everything, but she’s a mindful consumer, with her health and wellness always at the forefront of her decision-making process. As Kourtney Kardashian once said, it’s not about affording, it’s about radiation.
This year, help her ditch the jarring wake-up call from the Apple xylophone alarm in favor of arising naturally with a calming and rejuvenating salutation to the sun! The Hatch clock will gradually light up during your desired wake-up window, accompanied by the sound of melodic flutes or birds and things like that, so you can seamlessly glide into another day in your fairytale rich person life.
Chunky Knit Weighted Blanket — Italic ($135)
If their typical Friday night includes watching America’s Next Top Model reruns and evading texts from their friends, this weighted blanket could be the final piece of their homebody puzzle.
Made from the same manufacturer as Barefoot Dreams, the blanket favored by the Kardashians, they can pretend they’re also cuddled up on a PJ for just a fraction of the price.
Warning: once this is in their possession, your friend may never agree to meet up with you in Brooklyn again.
Overtime Undereye Masks — 4AM Skincare ($16)
From late nights in the Excel sheets to early mornings at Equinox, she’s girlbossing so hard that her eyes are popping out of her skull!
These reusable eye patches reinforce her hardcore ethos, and just like how she maximizes her deliverable output, these bad boys maximize the effectiveness of her skincare products, locking & sealing in moisture.
Now she can hop on that 2AM Zoom conference with her Tokyo stakeholders without a fine line in sight.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Dish Towels — Etsy ($30)
One of my greatest flaws is that I’m not engaged with the Bravoverse, but I conferred with a Bravo vet and confirmed that these are in fact a good gift for your Bravo Bestie.
Honestly, I would even buy them for myself just for the sheer memage, but I still live with the same roommate who wouldn’t let me get the infamous Jersey Shore Sammi Sweetheart note shower curtain, so the odds are slim.
Make Your Own Hot Sauce Kit — Uncommon Goods ($42)
This kit includes a scintillating variety of peppers and powders to create six customized small-batch hot sauces.
You may not ever make a lasting mark on the world, but you can make your own hot sauce. Perfect for a DIY activity on a snowy day and/or LARPing as Sean Evans.
Air Up Starter Pack — Air Up ($45)
How many times can I mention the Kardashians in one gift guide?
Earlier this year, my lord and savior Kim K was spotted with a bizarre water bottle that quickly stirred the internet into a frenzy.
Air Up uses overpriced “scent pods” to flavor your water purely through smell. This way, you can taste all the flavors of the rainbow for zero calories, and maybe one day fit into the archived gown of a Hollywood icon.
Aesthetica by Allie Rowbottom — Amazon ($24)
Hot girls don’t just sit around all day being hot. It’s 2022 — they also read.
Sources tell me that Aesthetica is the latest certified Cool Girl book. It’s the brand new debut novel from a soon-to-be It Girl author, which chronicles a former Instagram model undergoing a high-risk procedure to reverse all her plastic surgery — but intrigue ensues!
The Uncultured Hat — Etsy ($18)
Obsessed with low-brow culture and celebrity gossip? Reclaim your gaucheness with the official Uncultured baseball cap.
People will be like “what is that?” and you’ll be like, “oh, just this super cool indie newsletter that hasn’t really taken off the ground yet, so I guess you could say I’m a trailblazing early adopter for being such an early subscriber.” You know, like how people normally talk.