Leaning out

Jun 02, 2022

One of these things is not like the other: Johnny Depp won his defamation trial against Amber Heard, BTS had a sit down with Joe at the White House, long-time Meta COO Sheryl Sandberg is hanging up her hoodie, and Glee alum / Chrishell Stause ex Matthew Morrison was booted from So You Think You Can Dance after sending inappropriate DMs to a contestant.

In personal news, I have my first company party tonight since 2019 when Edelman rented out Tao Downtown and I got a Rent The Runway dress and did full glam in the office bathroom. This year I’m just hoping the concealer I threw in my Telfar hides my panda eyes (#notlikeothergirls?).

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

It’s 10 o’clock — do you know where your Bored Apes are?

Actor Seth Green is enjoying the most press since Robot Chicken now that his Bored Ape has been stolen in a phishing scam (I just wanted to see how many animals I could name in one sentence).

As a refresher, the Bored Ape Yacht Club is a collection of NFTs owned exclusively by one percenters combatting existential ennui. An Ape is your ticket into the private swamp club (like, okay?) and they retail for upwards of $300K — that’s how much Paris Hilton spent on hers, which she famously showed off on Fallon earlier this year.

The Tonight Show on Twitter: "Jimmy & @ParisHilton compare #BoredApeYC NFTs. #FallonTonight https://t.co/RoOlhteLnN" / Twitter

Seth’s ridiculous situation gets even more first world when it’s revealed that the ape-napping jeopardizes his new animated series, White Horse Tavern, which was written to star his ape, Fred Simian.

Seth Green appeals for return of Bored Ape NFT due to star in new show

Fred was resold on the web for around $200K to a user named DarkWing84, who apparently doesn’t have any interest in selling Fred back to Seth. According to BuzzFeed sleuths, DarkWing84 is an Australian surgeon who goes by the pseudonym Mr. Cheese, and has “no plans” for the use of the Ape.

Without the rights to the Ape IP, the White Horse Tavern show is, as we say in the biz, officially screwed.

Seth is hinting towards legal action, which would be the most iconic episode of CourtTV ever.

Villain Edit

Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.

I have a theory that Christine Quinn is trying to bodysnatch Kim Kardashian and hope no one notices. And I can’t blame her — if I had money and resources, I would be taking Kim’s headshot to a plastic surgeon faster than you can say Skims.

So let’s take a look at the evidence:

Exhibit A — The Balenciaga Show. CQ made it KNOWN that she was at the Balenciaga fashion show in New York. We probably got eight in-feed photos from the affair. WE GET IT. And who is the current face of Balenciaga? Kimberly Noel Kardashian. Christine ditched her typical neon green label whore fits for chic monotone Balenciussy moments all weekend, and honestly she looked good!

Exhibit B — Kanye Selfie. While at the show, Christine made sure to snap a pic with Kanye. And she even got a polite half-smile out of him! I think if he offered, she would 100% leave her “tech entrepreneur” husband to be his rebound. And she would be like, “call me Kim” like in the “call me Serena” episode of Gossip Girl.

Exhibit C — Coke. Earlier this week she posted an Instagram carousel from New York’s Mark Hotel, where Coke products are PROMINENTLY FEATURED throughout. And we know Kim & Pete have to be up to something with Coke now that it’s basically a tertiary character in their relationship.

Christine can try all she likes, but if the NFT world has taught us anything, nothing beats the original.

The Money Shot

If I don’t look at my Amex bill, it’s not real.

Speaking of Kim, we should probably use the commerce section to talk about SKKN by Kim, the new skincare collection she announced yesterday.

It’s way more high-end than anything she’s released before (I would know, I have like eighteen of the defunct fragrances and contour sticks). If you were to purchase the entirety of the nine-step program, it would run you over $600.

SKKN by Kim will debut later this month. The nine-step system “might seem scary to some,” Ms. Kardashian said.

Kim and the kollection were profiled in a gorgeous piece in the Times where we learned the following:

Her value prop for the line is that as a person who has built her career on looking great, she’s gotten more expert counsel on skincare than probably anybody, which she’s now packaging for the masses.
The 9-steps are daunting, but beauty is pain. Kim jokes that she would consider eating excrement on a daily basis if it would make her skin appear younger. Stop saying Kim isn’t funny.
When applying, she brings her skincare products “all the way down to the nips.” I believe this, but at the same time I think it’s a convenient way to sell more product when you’re telling people to use double the amount.
She defended her Met Gala weight loss and said it was the same story as Mark Wahlberg losing weight for a role, so why should she be made a villain?

It sounds like she’s going to eventually relaunch beauty under the new SKKN umbrella, and who knows what the future holds from there. If I had to guess, I would definitely wager that we see stone-colored, ergonomically designed SKKNs dildos in the next three years. Remember you heard it here first.