Ketchup and Seemingly Ranch
Cher Kidnaps Her Son, Joe's Ring Camera, and Ari & SpongeBob's Disney Date
In true Uncultured form, I started watching the new season of Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test this week and I gotta say it’s a really fun time. They killed it with casting: Tyler Cameron, Nick Viall, Blac Chyna, Tom Sandoval, JOJO SIWA!!! It’s on Hulu, I recommend if you have 40 minutes free and don’t want to use your brain.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Taylor is making me eat my hat. I know last week I came down super hard on the Taylor and Travis not dating thing, and honestly, even after their little football charade, the whole operation still feels make-a-wishy to me.
And she’s lending her penthouse to Sophie Turner. While Sophie and Joe’s messy custody proceedings continue in New York, Taylor is letting her new bestie borrow her Tribeca apartment. I want to know what kind of coffee machine Taylor has in her kitchen. Does she have one of those $40,000 espresso machines, or does she just send out a handler to get her something for Ralph’s every morning?
Meanwhile, desperaJoe is continuing to leak, leak, leak. Remember the marriage-ending Ring camera footage from the early days of the divorce announcement? Joe’s camp is now sort of revealing its contents, sharing that the footage showed Sophie “bad mouthing” Joe.
Okay??? He probably did something annoying! Most thin-skinned man on Earth.
Cher’s been accused of having her son kidnapped. According to her son Elijah’s estranged wife, Cher hired four men to kidnap her son from their New York hotel room, where the couple was staying together while they tried to salvage their marriage.
He was taken to a locked down treatment center ON THEIR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, and the wife was forbidden to have contact with him or know his whereabouts.
This is why rich people need to be stopped. Imagine having so much money that when you hate your daughter-in-law, you literally pay to have your son kidnapped so that he won’t be able to bone her. HUGE Boy Mom energy.
Malibu Mayor goes to war with Kourtney Kardash. According to Mayor Silverstein, Kourt disguised a massive Poosh event as a baby shower, filing an event permit for 96 guests when the actual total was closer to 600.
He wants the city to take legal action against Kourtney for fraud, and he put some sauce on it too for dramatic effect:
“As an elected official, I am appalled by the situation, and it helps me understand what residents throughout the city are dealing with. Not a good look for the city — although it is a great ad to non-residents who want to come here and destroy the residents’ peaceful enjoyment of their homes.”
LOL what??? Bro is just salty he didn’t get an invite. And doesn’t he realize the Kardashians have access to the best lawyers in the world and his dumb little suit will get crushed by Marty Singer? If you take a shot at the queen, you best not miss!
Pete Davidson is dating Madelyn Cline. He moved on from Chase Sui Wonders like he was Sha'Carri Richardson running the 100m, and is now linked to Outer Banks actress Madelyn Cline.
And Halsey is rumored to be seeing that guy from Victorious. After breaking things off with her baby daddy, Halsey is making out in the dirty streets of Hollywood with Avan Jogia, best known for playing Victoria Justice’s love interest on the children’s television program Victorious.
The Bachelor’s Caelynn Miller-Keyes and Dean Unglert get married. The unlikely duo got together during a long ago season of Bachelor In Paradise, but viewers were skeptical that the uptight pageant gal would ever be able to adjust to the grimy van man’s lifestyle. We were wrong!
My first questions was: Is Caleynn going to change her last name to Unglert??? That’s disgusting. And it looks like she and Dean share my sentiment, because they will collectively change their last names to Bell, in honor of Dean’s late mother, and probably also to avoid their kids getting called Ulcer in grade school.
5 Theater-Kid Approved Date Night Ideas for Ariana Grande and SpongeBob SquarePants
It had been a hot minute since we heard from the Brad and Angelina of Bikini Bottom, who gleefully homewrecked the pineapple under the sea while filming the movie adaptation of the cheugiest musical in the world.
But this week, Ariana Grande and her new boo, SpongeBob SquarePants, were spotted on their first public date since the news of their tryst broke this summer. An inconspicuous cocktail at Tower Bar, perhaps? An oceanfront lunch at Nobu Malibu? No, no, no. Reader, I regret to inform you that our lovebirds spent the day at Disneyland, linking arms like a couple of jolly leprechauns and further solidifying their romance as insufferable as hell.
Just because Ari is an international pop star, we can’t forget that she originated as a humble theater kid. Unfortunately, that flame will never fully extinguish, no matter how many Billboard 100 hits she makes. And her relationship with SpongeBob, a gawky, short king with enviable vibrato, only reignites the spark.
As they continue to explore their ill-advised relationship, here are 5 date ideas that play to their theatrical strengths:
Karaoke That They Take Way Too Seriously
After a dinner with friends, Ari will casually suggest that they hit a karaoke bar around the corner. The group will begrudgingly agree, because people who are that level of fame have a habit of surrounding themselves with sycophants. This gives Ari and Ethan the opportunity to spend two hours belting out showtunes only they know the words to for a captive audience.
And they won’t even be fun songs! It’ll be like, the song where Beth dies in Little Women or the horny duet from Spring Awakening where the German teens learn what sex is.
Pretty Woman Makeover
Much like Richard Gere, Ari has an offensive amount of money to spend on making SpongeBob look acceptable standing next to her on a step-and-repeat.
She needs to call up the Glam Squad, get him out of whatever sad excuse for a suit he found on the clearance rack at Men’s Warehouse, and turn Pinocchio into a real boy!
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: The Golden Bachelor, duh!
Listening: Scarlet - Doja Cat
Reading: “The Celebrity Apology Video Aesthetic” (NYT)
