Kendall's New Starting 5

Plus Zuck's doomsday shelter, Brad's 60th bday, and Erewhon's new smoothie

Dec 21, 2023

Demi Lovato gets engaged. And her fiancée goes by “Jutes Lutes.”

Demi Lovato is engaged to Jordan "Jutes" Lutes. — Are they giving Kourt and Trav?

Brad Pitt celebrates his 60th birthday. With his 33-year-old GF by his side, of course! But more notably, I wanted to share this pic of him at his party carrying a shitty painting of wolves that looks like it was inspired by one of my sister’s museum sweatshirts from when we were 8 years old? Is this a gag gift? Need to know more.

Mayim Bialik gets fired from Jeopardy! Ken Jennings just collected the final infinity stone (Marvel reference?) and has reached his full powers as reigning network dork. Now all he has to do is cage fight Young Sheldon.

Melissa Joan Hart is a Lifetime grandma. When she’s not reliving the glory days of Ryan Reynolds gifting her a Bulova watch, Melissa is getting her bag, and this time, it’s as the grandmother in a true crime Lifetime movie about an 11-year-old who kills her stepdad. In response to the viral public shock that the famous teenage witch was now of grandma age (47), Melissa said:

"While I’m proud of my performance in my most recent movie #WouldYouKillForMe, I couldn’t be more flattered that people don’t think of me as a grandmother. . .It’s also refreshing to go viral for my work and not something controversial."

Ain’t that the truth!

Mark Zuckerberg is a doomsday prepper, and we probably should be, too. Last week is I was hyping up Leave The World Behind on Netflix, which has a plot line about all the world’s richest psychos having access to information about the world ending and probably shooting off to Mars or something.

Mark Zuckerberg proved last week that are fears are REAL when details of his Hawaiian compound were revealed through public record applications.

In addition to the dozen buildings (two mansions and several guest hosts), there are also plans for 11 tree houses and an underground tunnel that connects the houses and branches off into a 5,000 foot bunker.

TLDR; we’re all gonna die but Mark will die eating cans of chickpeas underground.

Erewhon debuts Olivia Rodrigo smoothie. To synergize with her new album, it’s aptly called “good 4 ur GUTS,” with gut-healthy ingredients like kombucha and buckthorn puree.

I want a huge celeb to do a deal with them but stipulate that they have to retain full creative control of the recipe, and then intentionally make something that tastes sooo awful and see how many people pretend to think it’s amazing.

Kendall Jenner’s New Starting 5

After her breakup from Bad Bunny, Kendall is officially a free agent. Let’s talk through her new roster.

Bella Hadid

There is no way that 6 out of 6 KarJenner children are straight, one of them has to be gay. And that gay is Kendall!

Kendall and Bella both love being skinny. They love to kiss each other on occasion. And as a lesbian, Kendall could finally have an interesting storyline instead of pushing the “I have anxiety” narrative or the “I had acne 11 years ago” story.

Glen Powell

He’s the most eligible famous man on the market right now! If Sydney Sweeney doesn’t want to dump her boring fiancée for him, nothing’s stopping Kendall from swooping in. He would balance out her complete lack of charisma, and she would help him pass 1M followers on Insta.

Donovan Mitchell

Kendall is a WAG at heart, and thanks to our girl Taylor, the WAG Revolution is here. He plays for the Cavs so Trashton could make the introduction and then if all goes well Kendall could sublet Khloe’s abandoned Cleveland home.

Zac Efron

The man is having a comeback! His new movie The Iron Claw is out this week and it’s like, a real acting role.

I don’t know that he has a lot to talk about, and I don’t think Kendall does either. He would totally be down to go skiing with her and the Biebers, though.