Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
Taylor's next suitor, Kim on AHS, and MBB's engagement.
Ugh, I’m back in New York and sad to be resuming regular life. My California stint was short but sweet, and included a very LA Uber ride in which the driver pretended to be charmed by my friend and my “good energy” before proceeding to spend six minutes pitching us on his new immersive video entertainment platform.
Apart from that, an old lady at the spa wanted us to share her DoorDash noodles with her (crazy!) and the CVS attendant was way too eager to help me pick out a sheet mask.
I know it’s so cliche to be like, “Wow! The social differences between New York and LA are vast!” but culture shock is serious business!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
As of this morning, Drake Bell is considered “missing.” He was last seen Wednesday night in Daytona, Florida, and officers believe he is currently “endangered.”
Millie Bobby Brown gets engaged. She and her boyfriend, Bon Jovi’s 20-year-old son Jake Bongiovi, posted Instagrams earlier this week featuring a good old fashioned blood diamond. This is why it’s scary when teenagers have access to millions of dollars, because they can just decide to get engaged and have a premium photoshoot and everything. When I was 19, I was writing bad spec scripts and listening to Hamilton on the elliptical every day, but God gives all of us our own unique battles.
Eric André’s 40th birthday got kinky. The 12-hour marathon rager in Queens included a BDSM Babylon dungeon, a George Clooney doppelgänger, and a grand entrance through a human-sized cake.
And Fyre Fest II is officially happening. According to disgraced boyboss Billy McFarland, the wheels are in motion. Fall down seven times stand up eight?
John Oliver makes custom youth episode about Chuck-E-Cheese. Since Sunday’s Last Week Tonight episode tackled HOAs, something Gen Z will never have the privilege of dealing with, John Oliver’s team produced an entire secondary episode about the sordid history of the Chuck-E-Cheese franchise.
The Time100 list is out. I’ve been snubbed once again (my publicist just got an earful) but winners include Lea Michele (!), Jennifer Coolidge, and Pedro Pascal.
Bartise wasn’t hiding his son from the world, he was hiding the world from his son. The infamous Love is Blind bandit revealed he IS the father of a bebe. The baby’s mother is a non-famous normie, and the child was born in December of 2022 — LIB S3 filmed in June of 2021, so it’s very plausible that Bartise wasn’t aware of his impending offspring when he left for the show. But I would still chop off my left thumb to be in Nancy’s cast group chat when the news hit.
In other baby news, Hilary Swank welcomes twins. The only thing I know about Hilary Swank is that she starred in Freedom Writers which I thought was cool in the sixth grade because she was a teacher who said fuck. If you haven’t seen it, it’s like her version of The Blind Side minus the Oscar. But at least she has these twins!
Lili Reinhart makes out with a TikTokker. His name is Jack Martin and I’ve seen a million of his videos where he pretends to be a douchey investment banker. It was so jarring to see him with a real celebrity, but Lili did come for Kim Kardashian after the Met last year, so maybe this is her comeuppance.
Hand-Selecting Taylor’s Next Suitor
The tribe has spoken, and the blazing torch of Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn’s enchantment has been snuffed.
I’m sad for her because I’m sure she’s sad, but I’m also like, fuck yeah. I bet Joe’s a nice guy, but if nice is the only adjective that comes to mind when describing someone, they probably aren’t fit to be dating a lyrical genius and future EGOT legend.
The landscape of singles in Hollywood is a little bleak right now, but let’s take a look at our best options:
5. Joseph Lee, the hot guy from BEEF.
Joseph might not be The 1™, but who wants to jump from 6-year relationship to life partner without a fling or two in between?
After starring in the new Netflix dramedy BEEF, Joseph’s star power is on the move — he’ single, the talk of the town, and an artist on the side, so we know there’s more swishing around his noggin than just old sides from Smile Direct Club self-tapes.
4. Emilia Clarke
I know this is kind of coming out of left field, but it’s actually shocking how few single celebrities are out there.
I think we can make this one work, mostly because I’m envisioning a fan fiction scenario where she and Emilia become couple friends with Taylor’s ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas and Emilia’s former Game of Thrones co-star and known Swifitie, Sophie Turner.
I just think they could have a lot of fun in New York together. I also really believe Tay should date a woman before committing herself to another boring meat puppet for the rest of eternity.
3. Harry Styles
Outside of Beyoncé and Jay-Z, the world is missing out on A+ List power couples. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are trying to hold down the fort, Ashton and Mila could be if they did better movies, and as much as Hailey Bieber wishes she was Selena, being hot isn’t the same thing as being a global pop star.
So now that Joe is out of the picture, this really opens the door Taylor, the highest earning female artist of the last decade, to take that Machiavellian spirit to the mat and find a true partner, or “partner in crime” as your cheugy nursing school friend says about her boyfriend Brian in her anniversary Instagram every year.
Harry Styles might be a little too dumb for Tay, but I’m sure he’s a fun hang. Plus, it’s cute that they dated when they were kids, and maybe now that they’re more mature and more settled, they could take a page out of the Ben and Jen playbook.
2. Emily Ratajkowski
In a dream world where calories don’t count and the 5th season of The West Wing never happened, Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss would reunite. But we all listened to “Cornelia Street,” and learned that even if Father Time personally pulled out his defibrillator, he couldn’t mend a heart that broken.
So who’s the next best thing for a gal with a penchant for cerebral supermodels? EmRata, of course!
In her memoir she talks a lot about how it feels to be an international sex symbol, so she and Taylor could have many a heart to heart about the realities of fame (something Joe Alwyn could never understand as a struggling C-List actor).
Plus, she’s already taken to social media to defend Taylor for something that happened like, eleven years ago, and Taylor needs someone willing to walk through the fiery coals of TikTok for her.
1. Glen Powell
Sure, he’s dating some model right now, but relationships end! And for a chance with Taylor Swift, he’d eject Gigi from his fighter jet faster than you can say “getaway car.”
The most common theory for Taylor and Joe’s breakup is simple, since it’s the reason why many relationships implode: insecure men find it incredibly emasculating when their female SO is more successful than them.
And look, I’m not judging — Taylor Swift is one of the most famous people on Earth. It would be challenging for even the most secure person to live in her shadow, but especially for Joe, who forever plays the second lead in life and on screen.
But here’s my pitch for why Glen is up for the task:
He’s incredibly hot, so hot that he could still earn some eyeballs his way even on the arm of Taylor Alison Swift. Having had the privilege of knowing some ridiculously hot people in my own life, it’s safe to say that they sort of live in their own universe where everyone either desperately wants to fuck them or is so jealous of their looks that they want to kill them. This is a good place to be mentally if you’re dating Taylor, because these delusions will distract you from any potential insecurity you could face when your girlfriend wins her 12th Grammy, and you’re just Ken.
His stock is rising post Top Gun: Maverick. You could say Joe Alwyn has been market corrected by the Henry Cavills of the world, and let’s be real, would he have even booked the Sally Rooney thing if it weren’t for Tay? I feel like Hollywood has been like, well, he must have some degree of charm we’re missing if Taylor Swift wrote “Gorgeous” about him. But Glen? Glen will probably get tapped in his own right for some super profitable Jason Bourne-y action franchise and earn enough money and self-esteem to comfortably hang his hat on.
Kardash Korner
You thought you’d seen the last of them, but #KardashesNeverSayDie.
Kim Kardashian to star in American Horror Story S12. Am I disappointed that I’m now forced to suffer through a Ry*n M*rphy production? Absolutely.
The new season is supposed to be a modern feminist take on Rosemary’s Baby, where a young woman (presumably Emma Roberts) believes that a “sinister figure” (maybe Kimberly) is going to great lengths to ensure her pregnancy never happens.
The role was apparently written specifically for Kim, and you can thumb your nose at stunt casting, but Lady Gaga became an actual movie star after her AHS stint so no one speak too soon or you’ll have SKKN BY KIM on your face.
There’s just no way Kylie is dating Timmy. She is too much woman for him to handle! I fully believe she would break him.
Kourtney’s wedding special is out on Hulu. The 70-minute documentary Till Death Do Us Part shows previously unseen footage from the couple’s three separate wedding ceremonies and celebrations. For someone famous for never wanting to film, it’s funny what love does to you.
And Kris Jenner reveals some uncomfortable sex info. An old interview between KJ and Howie Mandel resurfaced on Twitter this week in which Kris confirms that she is in fact a squirter. The more you know!
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Renfield!
Reading: In honor of HBO Max announcing they’ll drop the HBO (just “Max,” it’s cleaner) check out this Variety roundup of “Hollywood Insiders” complaining about their least favorite streaming interfaces.
Eating: I tried the new Chipotle bowl from Sweetgreen and it was pretty good! My pro tip hack is to swap the cilantro for tortilla chips, otherwise it’s kind of missing a crunch factor.
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Excellent as always, thank you kindly. Congrats on 300 subs! Whoot!