Joey is actually hot...The Bachelor Night One!
Plus Reese's snow addiction, Tristan's suspension, and #GretaGate
I have another review for you all! I was curious about Dunkin’ Donuts’ new offerings, specifically their “pink velvet” macchiato. They claim that it has a red velvet cake flavor and notes of cream cheese frosting, but as we all know, Dunkin’ doesn’t have “notes” of anything except for depression.
Thankfully, friend of the newsy Heather tried both the iced and hot versions of this drink so we could have our questions answered. She shared that while aesthetically, the drink looked like it does in the ads (a step up from the Ice Spice Munchkins Drink), it tasted like a “caramel macchiato that they forgot to add the caramel drizzle to.”
She would not get again! So there you have it, pals.
BTW, if you have a thirty-second review of an obscure product…email me!!
Sofia Richie is preggo. Celeb pregnancies are soooo annoying, like good for her for not using a surrogate I guess but I hate being confronted by someone who’s body is that their quote unquote “worst,” and is still infinity times hotter than I’ll ever be.
Anne Hathaway walks out of photoshoot. In support of the Condé Nast union, Anne Hathaway left her Vanity Fair photoshoot on Tuesday during their 24-hour work stoppage.
According to Variety, she was only in hair and makeup, which is way less dramatic than her leaving mid-shoot, but we’ll take it. It’s what Andy Sachs would have done!
Margot & Greta snubbed at the Oscars. I’m sad for them but the PR around it is getting weird. Like Hillary Clinton writing in? And all these statements from the cast? Sometimes people lose! It’s reminding me of when The New Yorker published that hit piece on Jeremy Strong and then Jessica Chastain and Aaron Sorkin were like, #JeremyStrongStrong.
Emma Stone wants to play Jeopardy! And like a true woman of character, she will not settle of Celebrity Jeopardy! where the hardest question is “Clifford the Big Red Dog was famously this crimson color.”
She claims she applies every June, but now that she’s officially on the show’s radar, Ken Jennings responded and said they would take her “in a heartbeat.” Emma’s move!!!
Tristan Thompson suspended for 25 games. From guy who said on a Kardashians episode that he doesn’t want his children to be embarrassed of headlines about him, comes NBA doping violation! Even Kris Jenner couldn’t save him on this one.
Reese Witherspoon divides the internet over eating snow. My favorite headline of the week!
Reese got everyone riled up with her TikTok tutorial for “Chococinnos,” a dessert made from raw snow, caramel syrup, and cold brew.
Reese is seen scooping up snow from on top of her car and then assembling her creation — please watch it, it’s literally filmed like she’s doing an ad for Whole Foods’ 365 line. Maybe she is!
Her fans told her that she was eating a “pollution slush puppy” because of all the bacteria in snow, but Reese said you only live once, and she’ll eat dirty sky chunks if she so pleases.
The Bachelor Night One First Thoughts
I have been a bad Bachelor watcher for the past three years. I usually watch Night One so that I can make a piece of content, and then once two more episodes have built up in my DVR, I’m like, “I’m out.” That’s the issue with a 2-hour runtime! If you fall even a tiny bit behind, you’re basically committing to watching the extended version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy in order to catch back up.
And for what? To see Zack Shallcross ride a horse? I literally saw Pilot Pete, one of the worst Bachelors in recent history, on Hinge last week. Honestly, where he belongs!
In an exciting new twist, Bachelor Joey is actually hot and charming — what a concept! I think I only heard him say, “I love that” once.
Now that I’m officially older than more than half the contestants (jarring), and never leave a first date wanting to send the “I had a great time tonight!” text, I think I’ve unlocked a new appreciation for the show. It never really worked for me because I didn’t get why all these gals were so bent out of shape about one software developer from Colorado — I was like, ya’ll are all Costco Megan Foxes, go forth and find literally any other dick.
But now?? I kinda get it. When your real world dating life is so uneventful, there is something semi-appealing about going on a little adventure to gain a few thousand Instagram followers for the chance of marriage to an 8.
Anyway, roses aside, here are my official winners and losers from The Bachelor Season 28, Night One.
Winner: Joey
I promise you, this guy would be locked away in your Hinge Hotties Prison (real ones know what I’m talking about), which makes him an actually desirable lead.
According to the angels at @BachelorData, Joey’s premiere was the first uptick in viewers since 2020. Rooting for him.
Loser: Billie Eilish
I’m a huge Billie stan — when “when we all fall asleep where do we go” hit the title credits of the new True Detective season, I lost my shit.
But “when the party’s over” playing over the cold open / murder mystery preview scene of Joey crying at the beachside engagement platform (lol) was so laughable. And emasculating.
Winner: Joey’s Sister, Carly
Carly was hot and so real about how cringe it will be for her to watch her brother make out with fifty girls on TV. I liked that she didn’t say some weird platitude like we usually see from the families, like, “be yourself and trust your heart.” She was like, don’t embarrass the family with your sloppy tongue.
Loser: Sisters
Speaking of sisters, sisters and contestants Lauren and Allison seem like a tough hang.
At first, I kinda liked them. I thought it was funny that they weren’t going to tell the group they were sisters like they were on Big Brother or something, and I thought making Joey shotgun a beer as your limo entrance was a great way to surprise him while demonstrating that you are the Cool Girl.
But they lost me when they decided within three hours that they actually did need to tell everyone their “secret” because everyone was catching on. Girls! Everyone was drunk off Chardonnay and no one was paying attention to you.
They then proceed to make a formal announcement in front of the other women to address “elephant in the room” and the editors out-of-characterally burn them to smithereens with on-screen text clarifying, “there is no elephant in the room.”
Winner: The Color Green
Green was the third-most popular dress color this year, and a lot of it was key-lime green, not even a classy forest green.
Loser: The Bachelor Producers
The Bachelor overlords introduce a new wrinkle for the first time in twenty years, and it quite literally gets tossed in the fire.
If you missed it, during Charity’s AFR, when Joey was announced as Bachelor, they did that dumb thing where they have him meet girls from his upcoming season. In this iteration, they gave 23-year-old Lea an envelope that she couldn’t open until she arrived at the mansion.
Once she opens it, she learns that she has the power to steal a 1x1 date at any time before hometowns, thus guaranteeing herself time to explore her connection with Joey, while more importantly pulling an Oppenheimer in the house.
Lea completely broke down over finding the first Survivor advantage in the history of the The Bachelor, and after sharing the news with both Joey and the women, threw it in the fire in gesture of good faith.
I think she did the right thing — I’m sure it would put a bad taste in Joey’s mouth if he intended to go water skiing with Lexi and then Lea shows up. That said, adding advantages and Survivor-ifying the experience is a great idea, the producers just did a terrible job of selecting their mark. They found the one girl in the cast who is actively here to make friends and blew their shot. This fuckup wouldn’t have happened on my watch!!
Watching: Do I have to watch The Holdovers, you guys? Lol.
Eating: Gran Morsi (restaurant week, baby)
Reading: “The Meme-ification of American Politics” (The New Yorker)
If you made it this far…I am looking for someone to take over my lease in Long Island City (2 bed 1 bath). If you or someone you know is looking for a place, LMK!