Jennifer, why don't you just wear a pair of Crocs?
In classic low-brow fashion, I spent my weekend watching random psychological thrillers from the early 2000s. Has anyone seen Red Eye (2005) with Rachel McAdams? More than half of the movie hinges on making a phone call from the plane phone, so it was essentially a period piece, which makes it classy.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
The Chainsmokers admit to sharing more than cigs. In the latest episode of the Call Her Daddy pod, host Alex Cooper asked the duo if people often propose threesomes to them. If they were good at navigating press, they could have deflected with a cheeky joke, but instead they offered way more information than necessary, copping to multiple menages and blaming their shared European hotel rooms — if you have to share a room, there might as well be some babes present amiright?! This is like, the opposite of my high school trip to London where the boys slept in the bathtub to avoid sleeping in the same bed #NoHomo.
Daddy Ben spotted “working” at Dunkin’ in Medford. He’s finally filming a highly anticipated ad campaign for the mothership. My roommate and I always like to guess if JLo is actually drinking the Dunks drink that she’s carrying in pap shots, or if she’s just carrying it and is bringing it to the car for her kid. Because we know those washboard abs aren’t made from Dunkachinos.
Anna Delvey develops a reality show. According to our friends at Page Six, Anna’s lawyer shared that they are exploring reality TV avenues to help shed her scammer image and highlight her talent as an artist. Love her, but I think maybe we shouldn’t lead with the art thing.
EmRata comes for Ellen. Low-hanging fruit to attack Ellen at this point, try harder Emily! Sparknotes is, clips from Ellen’s interviews with teenage/early twenties Taylor Swift always pop up on TikTok, with Ellen badgering Taylor to reveal who she’s dating and Taylor refusing to participate. EmRata commented on one saying how horrible it was, but I always thought Taylor and her team were kind of too powerful to not get pre-approval on the bits? Like if she was actually pissed she just wouldn’t do Ellen anymore. Swifties, let me know.
The Chris Harrison Interview: Let’s Talk About “It’s Time We Talk”
I thought about covering the Prince Harry 60 Minutes interview this week, but I decided that was too high-brow for Uncultured and I should stay in the sewers where I belong.
Which is why instead I’m bringing you intel on the other tell-all of the week, from the former prince of reality TV, ex-Bachelor host Chris Harrison.
I mentioned I was writing this to three higher-brow people, and not one of them knew who Chris Harrison was. I would have bet my Gucci sunglasses that he was a household name!
So as a refresher, Chris Harrison’s two-decade career with the franchise (The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise) ended quite ignominiously in 2021 after he made offensive comments surrounding Bachelor winner Rachael Kirkconnell’s attendance of an antebellum party during college. In a now infamous interview with Rachel Lindsay, the first Black bachelorette, Chris alluded to 2018 being a different time and complained about “the woke police.”
After the intense media fallout that ensued, Chris was ultimately axed from the franchise with a multimillion-dollar severance package to cushion the blow. He hasn’t spoken a word about the scandal. . .until now.
In the inaugural episodes of his new dating podcast with iHeart, The Most Dramatic Podcast Ever, Chris gives a lengthier apology and monologues about what was happening behind the scenes at the time.
I just want to say that listening to this was painful — there were a few interesting tidbits that I’ll share, but I had to break up the listen into like four sessions because of the amount of repetition and pauses so pregnant they were literally in stirrups on the delivery table.
Here’s what you missed:
There’s no playbook for getting canceled. Chris thought his standard Notes App Apology after the interview was foolproof, and everything would blow over. Basically like when Catholics confess their sins in that little booth and then get to repeat them again the next week with a clear conscience.
He found the crisis consultants he spoke with to be worthless and no one was prepared for a cancellation of that magnitude. He and his fiancee saw themselves in the Harry & Meghan doc — what you're always taught in situations like these is to stay silent, because anything you say will be used against you by the tabloids.
Chris also mentions losing 20 pounds during the scandal — I get that it sucks to be so stressed that you can’t eat but whenever people complain about shit like that I’m like. . .that’s my dream. Check your privilege lol.
That’s showbiz, baby. My favorite part of the episode was when Chris got all old-school Hollywood agent like, “Honey, in this town, you sell your soul to the Devil for a pack of Marlboros and a guest spot on Night Court.”
He knew that his high-paying hosting gig was a hot commod early on — he recalls sitting with one of the early Bachelorettes who had just finished her season, and told him to his face that she should come back the next year to host The Bachelorette. That’s like finishing your Russian Literature class freshman year of college and telling your professor you’ll be back in the spring to take the curriculum off her hands.
Before he was officially cut from the show but the sharks could smell the blood, reps from former contestants were already calling into production to put their clients up for his job. Chris had hoped his friend and Bachelor in Paradise bartender Wells Adams would replace him, describing the first-round draft pick as “the easiest call since Ken Jennings got Jeopardy.”
ABC landed on Bachelor alum Jesse Palmer, and I don’t particularly mind him, but he’s sort of just a Harrison pastiche. I’ve gotta agree with Chris here — Wells would have injected some much-needed botox into a franchise that’s aging about as well as Mitch McConnell.
He’s done with the Bachelor, but he still keeps score. Chris hasn’t watched an episode of the show since the finale of Matt James’ season, but he does pay attention to the ratings, attributing the 50-60% viewership decline to his departure. A petty king!
I’ll leave you with the best line of the episode: “I am sure there are a lot of people, well a few people, who are sitting in Hollywood right now, nervous as hell that I am doing a podcast. And I guess I would say to those people, ‘If you’re nervous, maybe you should be, because you probably know that I know.”
I don’t know if I’ll be tuning in on the reg to find out what they know he knows, but I love the mafioso sentiment, and I love the idea of a dating podcast instilling fear in your enemies. Good stuff.
Obligatory Golden Globes Recap
Y’all, I really must be a masochist if I listened to that podcast and sat through the 3+ hour Golden Globes telecast in one day.
Unlike the speeches, I’m gonna try to be fast because I feel like we’re coming up on time, so here are the highlights:
Host Jerrod Carmichael opened by dragging the HFPA. If you forgot, the Golden Globes didn’t even air last year after controversy surrounding the fact that the entire organization is a scam and had zero Black members.
Carmichael quipped, “One minute you’re making mint tea at home, the next you're invited to be the Black face of an embattled white organization.” The celebs in the room laughed nervously — they panned to Phoebe Waller-Bridge looking distressed — but it was fun for us at home and a nice break from the typical, “Steven Spielberg is here tonight!” crowd work.
Jennifer Coolidge had so much anxiety. Ahead of presenting an award, JCool broke out five minutes of spontaneous standup about how she initially didn’t want to present because she was afraid she would slip on the over-waxed floor and wouldn’t be able to keep up with the teleprompter.
Her friend’s advice? “Jennifer, why don’t you just wear a pair of Crocs.”
Drunk Mike White. Accepting the award for Best Limited Series on behalf of The White Lotus, a tipsy Mike White pointed fingers at all the celebs in the audience for passing on his show before it became a sleeper success.
Everyone ignored the piano. I think people were leveraging the fact that the Globes were in such hot water as a way to refuse getting played off the stage. I’m very much in the camp that you should prepare your speech — then you can have it down to a tight two minutes, have jokes you know will land. . .why risk it??
Natasha Lyonne trolled production by deliberately talking in circles before presenting her award after she had been expressly told to keep things brief as the show was already running over time.
That can’t be Austin Butler’s real voice, right? He won the award for Best Actor in a drama, and accepted using his now famous Elvis drawl, which he’s just adopted as his primary voice now like when Elizabeth Holmes started Theranos.
Some other notes: the fashion was kind of drab overall, Zendaya, Cate Blanchett, and Amanda Seyfried were all too busy to accept their awards, everyone on stage was starstruck by Brad Pitt gazing up at them from the front row, and I guess we all need to see The Fabelmans now.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: The Traitors (Peacock) — A new reality show that brings together “reality TV royalty” and civilians to essentially play an elaborate game of mafia.
Reading: “How Much Netflix Can The World Absorb?” (The New Yorker)
Listening: Jam Session (The Ringer) has an episode breaking down the Harry memoir, so I’d rather just listen to that than spend time reading about H’s frosty todger.
Another absolutely phenomenal info letter! Literally lol’d at the England trip throwback and for you affirming my dreams of being so sick/anxious I magically lose 20lbs. Keep it coming Ms Sharpe!!