It was the worst idea in the world

Jun 16, 2022

In the spirit of transparency, I’m not feeling all that charmed by the world of pop culture this week.

Ryan Gosling is predictably hot as the Ken doll? Jerry Seinfeld cast a bunch of other famous white people in his Pop Tart movie? Jen Aniston didn’t actually eat the viral TikTok salad during Friends filming that everyone thought she did because she can’t digest chickpeas?!

I’m supposed to get out of bed for any of this???

More importantly, giving a special shoutout to my dear friend and roommate Nor who turns 25 today (old). She gives Geminis a good name! Malala follows her on Insta!

Villain Edit

Girlbosses, toxic cool girls, scammers.

I can’t stop thinking about Teal Swan.

Over the weekend I watched The Deep End, a four-part FREEFORM docuseries about a spiritual cult headed up by a lady who low-key looks and acts like the Red Woman from Game of Thrones.

Teal Swan is a YouTube star / “spiritual healer” who hosts intensive trauma workshops despite having no professional mental health background. So we're off to a really good start here.

I don’t want to spoil it, but here are some of the most psychotic details about this woman that will convince you to watch:

She claims she’s an alien who can read minds, has x-ray vision, and can hear inaudible sounds. She says with a straight face that when she sleeps on her side she hears sports talk radio — literally my nightmare.
Her most controversial teaching is that she encourages depressed people to visualize suicide and describes it as a “reset button” and a “safety net.”
She wants to be more influential than the Pope. Same, girl.
She claims she’s not a narcissist and in the same breath makes everyone sit around a room and describe what they think a dissenting cult member thinks of her while she writes down detailed notes.
She alleges that as a child she was part of not one, but two satanic cults where she took part in religious blood sacrifices. The odds of this. . .seem too good to be true. But then again, maybe once you’re in your first Satanic cult, your network expands and you’re organically invited to a second cult?

Highly recommend for when you don’t want to commit to watching a movie but are fine with spending four hours watching individual episodes back to back.

Flirty, Whole30 & Thriving

I can’t eat this, but how exciting is it to smell?

Speaking of cults, I’ve always thought that I’d be weirdly susceptible to them. When the NXIVM news broke that all these unsuspecting women had initially just signed up for a course on executive success and overcoming limiting beliefs, I was like yeah, that would one hundo p be me. You think you’re fast tracking yourself to CMO and next thing you know you’re in a sex cult.

So when I was in desperate search of a Kim K worthy diet this summer after weeks of crying into my jorts, the vibes of the infamous Whole30 program struck a chord.

It’s basically a more restrictive spin on Paleo (no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol) and is rooted in a lot of Goopy mumbo jumbo.

Here are some of the cultiest aspects:

Dogmatic Leader. Whole30 was founded by Melissa Urban, a sports nutritionist, after a stint in rehab. Like many cult leaders, she confidently perpetuates information that is scientifically disproven — like whole grains and legumes should be removed from a “healthy” diet.
Magical Thinking. One of the most popular pillars of Whole30 is the concept of “Tiger Blood.” This phenomenon is supposed to occur around Day 17 — you magically no longer crave Coco Puffs, “your energy is through the roof and your life is beautiful.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is a classic overpromise underdeliver.
Isolating Members from Friends & Family. Whole30 has also been criticized by experts for its inherently isolating nature, since food and drink is such a social experience. Personally I’ve been booked and busy as we say in the biz (humblebrag), and we all have at least one vegan in our friend group who manages to find some swiss chard at the restaurant to gnaw on.
Leveraging Celeb Members. Scientology used to parade around Tom Cruise and John Travolta to make itself more palatable, and Whole30 followed suit with Emmy Rossum and Busy Phillips. Not exactly A-Listers but I’ll take it.
Brainwashing. The Whole30 book gives you pre-prepared PR responses for when your friends and family (re: haters) inevitably criticize you for doing this annoying diet. It’s like when Meta created an internal chat bot for its employees to coach them through answering questions from family members about why they are working at such an evil company over Thanksgiving dinner.

ATEOTD, if I was going to join a cult, this is probably the safest, albeit blandest option.

If you successfully sign up 3 friends I’ll write you a personalized limerick.

Share Uncultured: The Low Brow Low Down

Viral Bible

Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.

I wish I was famous so that I could be featured in a viral DALL-E Mini, like trail cam footage of Danny Devito or William Defoe as a Pez Dispenser.

For context, before you assume I’m having another stroke, DALL-E Mini is a trending content generator that’s been dominating the Twittersphere. Essentially, users can input any ridiculous phrase they want into the program, and DALL-E will create 9 comic-book style image frames to wonkily capture it.

Here are a few examples, courtesy of @weirddalle.

I’m just waiting for brand social media managers to be all over this. I’m thinking like:

The Charmin Bears Host a Seance
The Green M&M at Gay Conversion Camp
Microsoft’s Clippy starring in Dear Evan Hansen

But knowing how cheugy brands are, it would probably actually be like “The Trix Rabbit Dabbing” or “The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Enjoying a Bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios In A Silly But Politically Correct Headpiece.”

Prekend Wrapped

What the fuck is a prekend?

Watching: Keep Sweet: Pray & Obey (Netflix) — I’m riding this cult train out.
Reading: “Why Do The Men of SNL Have Such Horrifying Apartments?” (Curbed)
Listening: Podcrushed. This is Penn Badgley’s new podcast that basically stole the idea of Mortified and talks about celebs’ embarrassing middle school moments. It’s wholesome!