I'm taking ownership & accountability
Love Is Blind Season 4 Reunion Winners & Losers
If you were as personally offended by Netflix’s unbelievably late delivery of the “live” Love is Blind reunion as Greg was by Kerry’s blubbering pleas (distasteful!) at the Roy estate in last night’s Succession, I’ve broken down the major wins and losses so you can save your time and energy for something more compelling, like maybe an intimate evening phone call with your estranged husband. Up to you!
Winners & Losers of Love is Blind’s S4 Reunion
Loser: Netflix
This one’s boring and obvious, so we’ll get it out of the way.
The livestream took an hour and twenty minutes to set up, followed by glitchy lags and a hot mic in the control room. When I did high school theater as a kid, a hot mic was always my greatest fear because I was uncontrollable shit talker. I’d be like, “oh no, is she sick?” when another girl was doing her solo and sounded flat as fuck. But honestly, some shit talking from the lighting guy would have been the juice that this dud of a reunion needed.
Glitches aside, the necessity of a live reunion is just unclear. All I can think of is that it’s fun to say “live.” It adds a modicum of gravitas, but the modicum was not worth the squeeze.
Winner: Media Training
I guess those 80 extra minutes before filming really gave the cast the time they needed to custom fit little bulletproof vests to their talking points.
The new “listening and learning” apology template has been replaced with “ownership & accountability,” which still doesn’t really mean anything but seemed to satisfy everyone?
This generation seriously loves to weaponize therapy speak, and every contestant who came under fire had a well-prepared spiel with all the buzzwords needed to placate the room. Kwame’s “three-layer” apology? Save the layers for the bean dip!!!!
Loser: Micah
How the mighty have fallen! Seated sullenly at the farthest end of the stage, Micah looked like your racist aunt who had a MAGA-themed 60th birthday party, but your mom still insists on inviting her to Thanksgiving because family is family.
And sorry if this is a cheap shot, but she looked old! Like, older than Tiffany. Evidently the stress of bombing on Love is Blind ages you like a president navigating the Iraq war. Who knew!
Winner: Irina’s Glam
Irina, the ultimate chaos goblin of the season, actually looked great. Like, did she book Chris & Mario for the Kim K special?
Loser: “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack
It’s baffling to me that Zack and Bliss viewed having a shared affinity for the song “I Hope You Dance” as such a rare twist of fate that could only have come from Ms. Divine Intervention (good drag queen name, btw) herself.
It’s bad enough for the song’s reputation to become forever enmeshed with Zack and Bliss, the two awkwardest people to ever live, but at the reunion Zack started talking about the singer like they were on a first name basis, which is frankly out of line.
I bet that’s the first dance song at like, 40,000 weddings a year, but I’d love the data on if that drastically decreases in the aftermath of the show.
Winner: Calvin Klein
A lot of free press for Calvin Klein! Chelsea is probably the biggest Calvin Klein fan of all time, which for some reason sort of feels like being a superfan of Vaseline or Ready Rice.
We found out the bizarre details of Chelsea going underwear shopping with her mom and then mailing the boxers they bought to production so that she could orchestrate a Calvin Klein date in the pods where she and Kwame sat in their matching underwear in their separate rooms.
If I did a themed date it would haunted house themed and I would convince a PA to hide in the guy’s closet and give him a good jump scare to lighten the mood when he started unpacking his childhood trauma.
Loser: Vanessa Lachey
I seriously believe that since the Ziwe show is cancelled, she should take over and put the Lacheys out of their misery. Vanessa was WILDING and we need someone who is confident and unflinching when it comes to proper interrogation techniques.
Like, if Zack of all people is the one asking the hard questions and stirring the soup, you know you’re in trouble.
In scenarios like these when everyone’s being boring, it’s up to the host to steer the ship, so Vanessa really needed to step up and take charge of her mediocre menagerie of Macy’s mannequins and their bland, tight-lipped responses!
Winner: Jackie
She kept her new man and she kept her old ring.
I was shocked that Jackie and Josh were still together, and even more shocked that production let her keep her engagement ring after breaking up with Marshall before the altar, which you’re defo not supposed to do.
On The Bachelor they make you stay together for two years if you want to keep the rock, so she really made out like a bandit, and she didn’t even get in trouble for calling Marshall fruity in her leaked texts.
Blinged out, booed up, and unscathed!