If that's a pomegranate, then God bless it
A Bachelorette Bundle!
Charity’s season of The Bachelorette kicks off tonight at 9PM, a whole hour later than its historic 8PM start time. The show will now be preceded by Claim to Fame, a trashy reality show where the non-famous family members of celebs live in a mansion, play games, and try to guess each other’s identities. Yes, I watched the whole first season and no, it had no business being as fun as it was.
Anyway, I didn’t engage with Zach’s straw man season of The Bachelor so I have essentially zero knowledge of Charity going into Night One. From what I’ve heard, she’s like first lady Michelle Obama crossed with your cousin the Disney Adult.
To put you in the spirit, I compiled some tasty morsels of Bachelorette content I wrote this month.
Bachelorette Bios Roast !!!
I had the distinguished honor of writing the annual Betches Bachelor Bio Roast this year. It was kind of stressful because I only had like one evening and one hungover morning to adequately lambaste 25 men, but it was probably the most fun thing I’ve ever gotten to write. Enjoy!
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The best part of any Bachelor Nation season isn’t the Neil Lane diamond, awkward two-on-one date, or tense After The Final Rose special — it’s before the season even begins, when ABC drops the cast bios filled with “fun facts” that were written by a producer’s son’s third grade class, then randomly assigned to the contestants.
Season 20 of The Bachelorette stars Charity Lawson, who narrowly escaped ending up in a loveless marriage with Zach Shallcross and was thus presented with an even greater prize: choosing a husband out of 25 software developers so lacking in purpose that they would drop everything to appear on one of the most historically brutal reality shows and maybe get canceled in the process.
To prepare for their infamous limo entrances (the season starts June 26th!), we’re throwing red flags left, right, and center as we analyze the viability of Charity’s future 11-month fiancé.
Aaron B.
Aaron B. is a 29-year-old – you guessed it — software salesman from San Diego who watches VHS tapes of his glory days as a college linebacker every night before he goes to sleep. Then, when he wakes up to the xylophone alarm, he queues up a YouTube compilation of Mark Cuban’s most inspirational quotes so he can go full beast mode in his cubicle #grindset.
Beige Flag: He’s scared of wasps. Charity will be so embarrassed when she takes him to a picnic with some new couple friends and he knocks over the Chardonnay when a bee flies by.
Red Flag: He eats peanut butter straight from the jar, which is like what the female lead does in a romcom when she succumbs to her heartbreak at the end of the second act. Fine for the bit, but not fine for everyday behavior.
Aaron S.
Aaron is a 33-year-old firefighter from San Diego, California, who will try to woo Charity with his cringe Austin Powers impression. He secretly thinks that if he wasn’t so committed to helping humanity as a firefighter, he would’ve killed in Bill Hader’s spot on SNL.
Beige Flag: Likes to get his fro-yo delivered. I don’t think there is an item less conducive to GrubHubbing.
Red Flag: His ideal first date takes place on a cliff specifically. Charity, make sure your Find My Friends location is ON.
Adrian
Adrian is a 33-year-old realtor from Northridge, California, who definitely has anxiety about sharing his food after growing up with seven step-siblings — it’s really lucky for him that the date food is for set dressing only. He has a cheugy travel Instagram page that he thinks makes him unique, but he has to Google “cute captions Barcelona” every time he posts.
Beige Flag: He loves Topgolf. An annoying hobby but at least you know he’ll get along with your dad.
Red Flag: He’s recently undergone a huge fitness transformation — I love that for him, but if his idea of a date is going on a couples jog, I’m out.
Brayden
Brayden is a 24-year-old travel nurse from San Diego, California, who is definitely not ready to settle down with a wife. He thinks wearing beaded bracelets makes him look sensitive and free-spirited, when in actuality his ideal Tuesday night is crushing Nattys and playing COD with his four roommates.
Beige Flag: He loves a good cigar lounge. Bro, you’re a nurse! #SmokingKills
Red Flag: He is not into meditation. It’s not everyone’s jam, but the fact that you’re bringing it up specifically is weird. Like, are you carrying trauma from a Nine Perfect Strangers retreat that you still haven’t fully processed? Praytell.
Caleb A.
Caleb A. is a 29-year-old physician from Ann Arbor, Michigan, who decided to go to med school after his dreams of modeling for J. Crew catalogs didn’t work out. He currently works 80 hours a week, so if Charity has any hopes of an attentive husband or present father to her children, she can go ahead and throw those out a seven-story window now.
Beige Flag: He has a pet salamander with no name. Definitely means he struggles with commitment.
Red Flag: His hobby is music producing and playing guitar. Have you ever met a guy with a Soundcloud and wanted to continue that conversation?
Majorly Aggro Night One Drinking Game
I have it on good authority that tonight’s series opener is Sleepy the Dwarf vibes. Luckily, Betches let me make them a drinking game, because gamifying experiences is famously the only way I can get through life’s most painful moments. If you need my Hinge Date bingo card, DM me.
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“I’m not here for the foolishness,” asserts leading lady Charity in The Bachelorette Season 20 teaser trailer. And that’s unfortunate, because “foolishness” is exactly why the viewing public has tuned in. You didn’t have to do this to yourself, Charity. You’re a Columbus 11!!!
There’s been limited chatter leading up to The Bachelorette premiere since the general consensus is that Charity seems like a nice girl. If “nice” is the only adjective anyone can conjure to describe you, it’s an uphill battle to prove you’re not about to quarterback the least dramatic season in history.
For us at home, Night One™ is notoriously the toughest slog, especially with a by-the-book lead. So if you plan on Clockwork Orange-ing your eyes open until the new 11 pm end time, you may want to shirk the network’s infamous “2 drinks per hour” rule and imbibe with our aggressively-minded drinking game.
Act 1 – Take a sip of wine when:
🍷 Jesse Palmer gives Charity awkward fatherly advice
🍷 Charity forgets someone’s name immediately after learning it
🍷 A contestant white raps a diss track about Zach as his limo entrance
🍷 All the guys from the first limo crowd around the window to watch the entrances from the next and go “oh shit!!” every time someone new emerges, as if they didn’t know that there were more than eight contestants in a season
🍷 “My husband is in this room tonight.”
Act 2 – Take a shot of tequila when:
🥃 A contestant plans a mini “date” for Charity, like going into the driveway to play cornhole
🥃 Trauma dump to force emotional intimacy
🥃 An eager beaver “steals” Charity three times to “stand out”
🥃 A contestant gives Charity some dinky personal item and says “you can hang onto it for me, it’s a good luck charm” and Charity pretends to be touched before a producer throws it in a garbage bin off-camera
🥃 “Wow, I love that.”
Act 3 – Finish the bottle when:
🍾 Charity curtly asks, “can I walk you out?” after ripping into a contestant who’s revealed to be there for the wrong reasons
🍾 A contestant who decided to wear a costume gets increasingly uncomfortable as the night wears on
🍾 The first impression rose goes to Caleb (there’s a 10 percent chance!)
🍾 Out on the patio, Charity says she’s cold and instead of just giving her his jacket, her date takes that as an opportunity to awkwardly break the touch barrier
🍾 Rejected contestant despondently whispers, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”